New York Minute Page #6

and captain of her cheerleading squad.

Please welcome Jane Ryan.

Keep it together. It's okay.

Oh, my God.

You may proceed...

...Miss Ryan.

- Please.

- Right.

Oh, man.

Well...

...as many of you all know...

...the economy is...

...very, very important to all of us.

Take the word "economy."

You have "eco,"

which stands for environment.

You know, which we're all

real big supporters of.

And we have "onomy," which...

...is pig Latin for "money."

Money, economy.

Right.

- Go, go, go. Good luck.

- Okay.

- Are you coming? Come on.

- Yeah.

Well...

...for as the...

...the famous,

famous Canadian professor...

...Avril Lavigne...

...stein once said, and I quote:

"Why'd you have to go and make things

so complicated?

I see the way you're acting, like you're

somebody else, gets me frustrated.

Life's like this:

You fall, and you crawl...

...and you break, and you take

what you can get.

You turn it into honesty...

...and promise me I'm never

gonna find you fake it.

No. No.

No."

- Oh, thank God.

- Roxy?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

that's all the time I have for... So...

...will the real Jane Ryan please stand up?

Reinaldo!

Trey, what is going on?

Apparently, the dog groomer delivers.

Are you okay?

What are you doing here?

Well, aside from completely

humiliating myself...

I'm sorry. I wanted to read

the speech for you...

No. Please. Here. I can take it from here.

Are you sure?

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Jane Ryan.

Roxy, behind you!

Nassau County Department of Truancy.

This girl, Roxanne Ryan,

is now in my custody.

And that girl, Jane Ryan, is an accomplice

in her criminal activities!

And she stole my stupid ugly mutt too.

I don't know what is going on here,

but that "mutt" is mine.

Come here, ugly doggy.

- And I order you to give him back.

- Yeah, you and what army, lady?

- Officer!

- Me?

Arrest that man!

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my baby.

Fly.

Every time.

- Hey, that's my mom's dog!

- I think it started.

It doesn't look like Cats.

Everybody, freeze.

Someone please explain to me

what is going on.

I think I can do that.

See, this guy over here...

...that man who thinks he's Chinese...

You're not.

- And his mother are criminals dealing

in pirated music, movies...

...and probably Gucci handbags.

I don't know.

- Probably.

- The guy with the eyebrows.

- We know him. He drove us over here.

- He didn't tell us he was in the play.

A cop and an actor.

And how, may I ask, did you two

get involved in this?

- I think I can shed some light on that.

- You see...

...senator, it was this crime fighter here,

Officer Lomax...

...who tracked down the Bang family

and wouldn't rest until justice was served.

So really, we're just witnesses

to his sting operation.

- Yeah! What she said.

- Is that true, Officer Lomax?

Did you engineer this collar?

Well, I don't want to gloat, senator,

but I think "mastermind"...

...might be a more appropriate

choice of words.

I love you.

Just a second.

I assume that wasn't the speech

you intended to give this afternoon.

- Not exactly, but...

- No. No. It wasn't.

But you should have heard the real one.

It was amazing, and I know this, because

I heard her practice it 1000 times.

And trust me, she would have won

this thing hands down.

I'm sorry today didn't work out

the way you planned.

See, I thought today was about the speech,

the fellowship...

...my academic future.

But instead, it was about something

much more important.

It just took me a few wrong turns

to see it.

- That was something else, wasn't it?

- Honey, I loved it. I loved it!

Yes. You gotta... Come on.

Gotta give it up for the Cats!

Who let the cats out?

Get your hands where I can see them.

- Who let the cats out?

- You're not even a real cop.

Zip it, Odd Job.

Thanks to you, that's all gonna change.

Let me do it.

- So you're not mad?

- Are you kidding?

I can't believe what you did for me today.

- Listen...

- I want to apologize...

...for saying the things I said earlier.

It's just...

...I was having a meltdown.

Everything was going wrong.

That's because every time I tried to fix it,

it got worse.

The point is...

...we haven't spent the day together

in a really long time...

...and I've really missed you.

I've missed you too.

And I'm so, so sorry

if I ever made you feel...

...like you had to take Mom's place.

She would have been really proud.

Both of us.

It was really great bumping

into you today.

Maybe we could bump again.

Did I just say that?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

And I'm glad you did.

- So how about you just give me a call?

- Okay.

Yeah.

Jane Ryan?

Bye.

Bye.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Hudson McGill.

Listen, I am so sorry about everything

that happened today...

You know what?

I think you handled yourself really well

today, considering everything.

The McGill Foundation

would be really honored...

...if you would represent us

at Oxford University next year.

But...

- I don't understand.

- I found these.

This would have been an amazing speech.

It's not just that you wanted to win...

...it's that you absolutely refused to fail.

And you didn't.

You deserve this fellowship, Jane.

You really do.

- Congratulations and good luck.

- Thank you.

- Can you believe it?

- I'm so happy.

I don't...

- Thank you.

- No, thank you.

One, two, three, four!

- Hey.

- Hi.

So have you given any thought

to visiting me in London?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm not gonna

be able to visit you.

It's not gonna work out for me. Sorry.

It's okay. I mean, your whole life's here.

I get it.

Jane, I'm playing. I'm moving. I'm actually

transferring schools there next year.

Really? Seriously?

- Are you excited?

- Yeah.

I've got this great idea for the video.

It's, like, Roxy, and she's dressed

as a cucumber, and...

Well, maybe I should just be happy that I'm

going to London on tour with you guys...

...and keep these thoughts to myself.

- Agreed.

Open up! Police!

Cut it, guys. Cut it.

Sorry to break up the party here, kids.

But you see, I got this little VW Bug

parked out there in a loading zone.

License number 2 Quilted Laxative 4

Santa Kansas Limerick.

Where's Roxanne Ryan?

You've got to be kidding me.

I am.

I just stopped by to wish you

bon voyage...

...and maybe get an autograph.

Of course you may, Officer Lomax.

Thank you, ma'am.

Hey, lggy Pop, crank the juice on that half

stack, and let's hear what this band can do!

You heard him. Let's roll the guitars.

Nice work, son.

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