Newlyweds Page #2

---

Are you here? Are you at work?

- No, no. Tell him... tell him um...

Im taking a nap. - Okay.

Okay, and baby

please don't give him any money.

I won't give him any money,

I promise.

Yes, right.

I promise! I don't have any to spare!

I got married to Dara...

in a moment of... confusion.

I don't know, he sort of seemed...

dark and mysterious.

And then I grew up and he didn't,

and... I realized

He wasn't dark and mysterious.

Just mostly an alcoholic.

Hey there, Shakespeare!

Hey! Is Katie in?

I just wanted to ask her something.

You know, she is, but she's

actually taking a nap.

Ah. Look, just for the record...

I don't have any money to give you,

as you know.

And Katie...

I know already told you

she can't give you another cent. So...

why must you assume

Im looking a handout?

A gentleman can't just

pop by and say hello?

You know, the unannounced

visit from the ex-Husband

On a Sunday evening...

usually not ah...

the best idea...

as much as I am

always very happy to see you.

So. What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing.

I was just in the area.

Have an audition for

a Broadway play, actually.

Thou nature art by go death.

To thy law thy services are blood.

Yeah Dara is not a terrible guy.

He's just mm...

an actor.

Alright, look,

to be perfectly truthful here...

there was no audition.

I am a little low on funds.

So if you got a couple of bucks...

Id really appreciate it.

How are you even surviving?

I mean, where do you even live,

these days?

A girl...

she's out of town doing resell theatre

At the moment,

so she allowed me to crash at her place.

You know what I can do for you?

I got a bunch of sh*t here that was going

to give to St. Vincents for Paul.

Alright?

Maybe you can sell it on e-Bay

Get yourself, 50 bucks, 100 bucks.

Still works... so...

Okay... Ill take it.

Alright. Thanks buzz.

Always a pleasure.

I know buzzy was trying

to do the right thing

By giving me the

vacuum cleaner to sell...

but I don't own a computer, so...

Im not gonna have much luck

selling it on websites.

But Ill certainly try

and sell it on the streets.

Coast is clear.

Hey babe, look.

For the record..

I have no idea what you

ever saw in that guy.

Oh, I was very young.

I was, you know,

trying to do my tortured artist face.

How much did you give him?

Why do you assume

I gave him anything?

Because, I know you.

How much?

You know the uh...

The old vacuum cleaner? That I was

gonna drop off at St. Vincents, to Paul?

What?

Why?

Look, he can sell it on e-Bay!

He can get a couple

of bucks for that.

Oh my god, you're such a pushover.

He seemed desperate.

Why do you have such a soft

spot for my ex-Husband?

Look, I feel bad for the guy, alright?

Look, he had a shot at glory

with you and he blew it,

And now Ive got you.

So I am somewhat

empathetic for the cause.

When I married you, I inherited

your family, right?

So I got to deal with

the crazy Irishman,

I got your nutty sister,

her Looney husband,

And I am just trying

to do the right

Thing by all of them?

Okay?

Besides, Im sure if the

roles were reversed...

you would do the same

thing for me, would you not?

I don't know about that, actually.

You don't see me inviting

your psycho ex-Wife over, for tea.

Do you think that's true,

what we were talking about at brunch,

That we're a successful couple,

because we never see each other?

Yes, absolutely

I think it's important to maintain

A safe, but a distance,

because otherwise

Your gonna get

completely sick of me.

Wait, but, what if like

something happens...?

Where we had to

see each other a lot?

Like what if I got pregnant,

or something?

Are you pregnant?

No! No.

Are you sure?

Yes, Im sure.

I sure. No, because

I remember that one night

A month ago, we both had

a little too much to drink. I...

Im not pregnant

I was just...

it was a hypothetical.

If we suddenly like, you know,

had to spend a lot of time with each other.

Would we fall apart?

No, we would not fall apart,

But Im just a...

a little... confused...

That you... we were definitely on the

same page about children. I mean...

Yeah, I... I...

don't want children.

It was...

it was purely hypothetical.

All right.

That's all. Just, you know,

Want to make sure we'd be...

we could roll with it.

Absolutely, yeah. I mean... yes!

We can handle whatever

life throws at us.

Do me a favor.

How do you spell

vasectomy, though?

Hello? 'Hi, Im looking

to Buzzy ORourke.

Ok... ahh... is working, who is?

I'm his sister, Linda.

Right. His sister... okay um...

hi.

Oh, well his half-Sister anyway.

We have the same

piece of sh*t father.

Hey. Listen uh... can I come up?

It's pretty cold out here

And Im not exactly

appropriately dressed.

Sure um... Im actually about

to go to work, but...

Yeah, uh. Come up. Come up.

Hi, oh my god! Hello,

you must be Katie!

Hi.

And you must be Linda!

Oh my god, you are gorgeous!

Thank you, thank you. Wow.

You're welcome.

Oh, you know. I just wanted to say Im

so sorry that I missed the wedding.

Oh. Don't worry about it.

I really wish I could have been there,

But I... I just couldn't get off work.

You know how it is.

Ah, come in, come in.

Oh, wow! Look at this place!

Oh my god, it's huge.

You guys must be loaded!

Hey. Do you have something to drink?

Like a beer or something maybe?

Yeah, sure.

Oh thanks!

Cause you know,

I just got off the plane...

And... um... it's so err... stressful,

you know, traveling and everything.

And all that traffic in New York.

Is Heineken good?

Oh yeah, that's great.

Just as long as it's cold, um...

and you know, that's actually one of

the reasons I had to get out of la.

Thank you.

Cause ah... you know,

the traffic is just awful.

Yeah, totally, um...

did... did...

you tell buzzy that you were coming?

Cause he didn't mention it to me.

Really?, I mean, I called him

like a month ago

And told him that

I was thinking about coming.

Oh. Oh. What time does

he get off of work, anyway?

Um...

in a couple of hours, around 7.

Oh. Okay great! Well ah...

Im just gonna go take a shower, freshen up.

Is there a good place

I can put my stuff down?

Uh... yeah um... the.. The...

there's a spare bedroom,

over in back.

Perfect, Ill go get

out of your way.

I know you said you

have to get to work

And um... thank you so much

for letting me stay here. I just...

Yeah. And I want you to know, uh...

don't be worried...

Im only gonna stuck around

until I find my own place.

Beautiful, totally beautiful.

Um... you know, he had really

talked about having a sister,

I mean I, I sort of

vaguely knew he had one

I think we invited her to the

wedding but she didn't come.

So when she just arrived

and then expected to stay

I was a little surprised.

Hey! I have a surprise for you.

Guess who I rang our buzzer this morning?

Your sister!

My ss... oh sh*t.

Don't tell me that she

actually showed up.

Yep! Um... I just left

her in the apartment.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes