Not Another Happy Ending

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Roddy! School.

Morning.

Get that would you?

If you're not giving me a lift

I'll have to get another minicab.

Tristesse Books.

I've got 'Wuthering Heights'

with my Year Tens. Hello. Yes?

Tristesse Books? Tom Duval?

Oh, yes, come in. Just down the hall..

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah,

he's a wonderful writer.

Very unremittingly bleak. No,

Tristesse doesn't publish him any more.

Do you know what? He had a

little disagreement with Tom..

Yeah, she's one of

my favourites. Yeah.

Yea, she was long-listed for the Booker,

you know? Right after she was sectioned.

No. She... she left too. Jane Lockhart.

What are you doing?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to...

I was just touching it.

Not like 'touching' it, that's like

molesting. Like I'm some kind of pervert.

Which I'm not.

So, Young European Publisher of the

Year, Runner Up? That's really impressive.

I have a swimming certificate.

Who the hell are you?

Jane Lockhart.

I wrote 'The Endless Anguish of My Father'.

Ah. Yes.

Follow me.

I'm busy, so I'll keep this

brief. I read your novel.

I'm afraid it needs work. A lot of work.

Please. Sit down.

But it has potential,

so I'm going to publish it.

I'm offering you a two-book deal.

It's going mean a lot of rewriting...

...definitely a new title

- and neither of us will get rich...

...but I think you have it in you

to be a writer and, unfashionable...

...as it may seem, that's what I

came here to find. I believe you are..

...crying.

Sorry.

I didn't mean to start...

It's just, it's been so long. So

many rejections and I have a board...

You have a board?

Of rejection letters.

I call it my Board of Pain.

Well that's completely normal.

It is?

I'm sorry. He was like this at university.

Everywhere he went crying women.

You lot are supposed to be

charming. Charmant, n'est-ce pas?

- I told you, never speak in French to me.

- Don't you dare. - No, no, no really...

I've never been so happy in all my life.

Jane. There is no need to be nervous.

Nervous? Me? No. No. No. I'm not nervous.

Not me. Okay, a little bit nervous.

You'll be fine.

Sorry it's just usually I need

a run-up before I start editing.

Like tea. A walk. Regret in the shower.

Or we could just begin.

Okay. Okay, yes.

So where do you want to begin?

Well, call me crazy,

but we could start at the beginning.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Crazy Frenchman.

What?

I don't know. Great.

So you're in a good mood.

I'm always in a good mood.

- No you're not.

- Yes I am.

- Are you?

- Yes.

Oh.

Well, actually I'm

reading it right now...

"I shut my eyes and sank into the water

letting it caress over my face and hair..."

I was just, you know, passing,

and thought it might...

...have come back from the

printer's and it actually has...

"Beneath my feet I felt crumbled pages.."

I don't believe this.

I'll call you back.

'Happy Ending'? 'Happy Ending'!?

What happened to 'The

Endless Anguish of My Father'?

What happened? You know how important this

stuff is. You changed my title! To that?

I told you. The very first

time we met. I said it must go.

Yes but we never discussed it.

I knew how you'd react, darling.

Oi, careful. That's my

Young Publisher of the Year award.

Runner-up!

What's wrong with you?

Who are you?

What?

All that time we spent

together working on the manuscript.

No-one's ever got me the way you...

I don't know you.

Look, it was a terrible

title and I changed it.

What's done is done. Let's move on.

How can it be so easy for you?

Perhaps because I am not a

moderately talented writer whose...

...loser dad left her with an inability

to stop worshipping her own pain.

Come, sit down. Let's

talk about the launch.

You know what?

Our deal is one more book.

And then what's done is done.

Let's move on.

'Most childhood summers

are long and blue.

Mine wasn't like that. And certainly

not the summer when mam got sick...'

She'd taken me to Woolworths

to choose my birthday present...

...and it wouldn't be like last

year when dad just slipped the...

...Barbie under his coat and walked

right out of the door with it...'

Thank you for coming down.

One more. There you are.

And this is to...?

It's great to be here to

present this award for...

...Best New Writer to an outstanding

debut. 'Happy Ending'. Jane Lockhart.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

What we have here, is a real writer.

Someone who can go to some pretty

dark places. But I get it, Jane.

Writers. We both understand what

it is to face El Toro Blanco...

...the terror of the

white bull, the blank page.

And every day we face

it. Together. Right, Jane?

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jane Lockhart.

Thank you.

Yeah?

I'm starting the final chapter.

You'll have the manuscript

by the end of the week.

About bloody time.

Ah Tom, as ever my

little ray of sunshine.

Well, moan all you like,

I've never been this-

Annoying?

Happy. You bastard. Happy.

So, one more chapter...

- Yes.

- And we never have to see each other again.

Yes.

Better get writing then. A bientot, Jane.

Au revoir, Tom.

Willie. I'm off out for a bit.

Sure.

Just look at the chapter..

Listen, I don't care what you think.

I'm telling you, this is not an

opening chapter. It's an Ice Age.

You can't talk to me like that.

I was voted one of Scotland's foremost

novelists under the age of thirty.

And that's why I won't

allow this piece of crap...

...to be published with your name on it.

You have my notes. Fix it.

Bye then Nicola. See you at the launch.

If you try to make me cry,

I'll inform Inland Revenue about your yacht.

Hi.

Hi.

If we have to talk figures, can you do

that thing where you use vegetables?

Imagine this tomato is my cashflow.

How many new writers have you

thrown money at this year?

I only throw money at good writers.

Good Scottish writers. I'm very patriotic.

And what does it matter?

One hit pays for all the rest. And

I have a bestseller in the wings.

Jane Lockhart. Yes.

So how's the new book shaping up?

I have no idea.

She won't let me read a

word until it's finished.

Relax. It'll be just like the first one.

I read that she was moving publisher.

Klinsch & McLeish - with the

red and white covers? That's big time.

Klinsch & McLeish. You know

what they're called in the trade?

Clench and Release. They're

not right for my Jane.

- For Jane.

- So talk to her. Persuade her to stay.

But I don't want her to stay.

After she delivers her new

novel, I want her to go. Far away.

Oh for God's sake, Tom, Tristesse Books

is on the verge of compulsory liquidation.

And, I've had an offer.

Well you're a very attractive...

Shut up.

They want to invest in you.

I don't need Pandemic Media.

I have Jane Lockhart and this

time she's going all the way.

Are you sure? Because

if she doesn't deliver...

...your tomatoes look like ketchup.

She'll deliver. She may be a

miserable pain in the arse...

...but when she's writing,

she's like a guided missile.

Tea-spoon?

Willie? Willie, will you get that?

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