Not Another Happy Ending Page #2

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Willie.

Hello?

Thursday or Friday for the manuscript?

Grease-proof paper.

I just want to check.

You're certain it will

be finished next week?

I told you, one more chapter...

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you baking?

Oh my God, she's baking.

She only bakes when she's blocked.

Largest planet in the solar system?

Jupiter.

Who did Ali beat to become...

...World Heavyweight

Champion for the first time?

Sonny Liston. Come on, the quiz is gonna

be harder than this. Get serious.

Who was Shakespeare's wife?

Hi dad.

Darling.

Who was Shakespeare's wife?

Anne Hathaway.

And at the end of the third round,

the leaders are Benny Lockhart...

...and his Jets with twenty-two points.

Join us for the second half in ten minutes.

Monsieur L.

Ah Tom.

Good to see you again.

- Good to see you.

- How are you?

Aye, good. Where you been hiding?

From your daughter mostly.

Oh I understand that. Never

talked to me for years...

...but for good reason.

Hey, what you having?

Nothing. He's not staying.

Come on Jane.

What are you doing here?

My favourite author is being adapted...

...by Scotland's most talented

screenwriter. Will Scott.

Huge fan. Naturally I want

to know how he's getting on.

Well, I mean I may not be

the most talented but...

...who else are you going to pick?

Where is my novel?

I'm working on it.

So you're not suffering

from El Torro Blanco?

The what?

- So you're not b-I-o-c-k-e-d?

- Why are you spelling it?

It's nothing to be ashamed of and there

are plenty of strategies to overcome it.

I'm not blocked.

- For instance, stimulants and narcotics.

- I'm not blocked.

For a while there, Hunter

S Thompson was permanently unblocked.

I'm not blocked.

Until you deliver that manuscript

you're still under contract to me.

So, whatever's going on, snap out

of it and get writing. 'Bye, Jane.

'Bye Jane.

Oh, he's not gone, has he?

We never got the chance to

talk about my screenplay.

Hi.

The French really appreciate my work,

you know. Connoisseurs de Cinema. Oh aye.

We should have him

over for dinner. Your wine.

Bathroom.

I know you, don't I? Where was it we met?

Chapter Two. I'm in the

opening chapter of course...

...but I'd say you only really

get to know me from Chapter Two on.

Darsie?

What do you think?

I think I'm talking to my protagonist.

I prefer heroine.

What are you doing here?

It's a very intense narrative.

I personally have suffered a broken

engagement and two bereavements, so far.

Yes, I know. Sorry.

Oh no, please don't apologise.

I think it's going to make me

a stronger person in the end.

The end? Yes, so you're

going to go back and finish it?

I can't do that, not without you.

Why can't you finish it,

Jane? What are you afraid of?

Get a hold of yourself, will you.

Gets me every time. Three times now.

It's that ending...

Don't talk to me about damn

endings. Do your marking.

Okay. It's silly.

Oh, Jane says hi.

That poor lassie.

She must have lead such a

shocking life to write like that.

What are you saying?

Ah well, the lonely page,

the endless introspection...

...the mind plagued by funky thoughts.

It's how writers tick, isn't

it? No misery, no poetry.

Yeah?

Did you speak to Jane Lockhart?

Yes, she's happy. Very happy. Happier

than she's ever been, apparently.

And the novel?

Tom? Hello? You still there?

Tom?

I have a problem I believe may

be suited to your particular talents.

Let's say...

...a miserable writer...

...through the supreme efforts of her

publisher and her own meagre talent...

...becomes successful and

happy. Are you listening?

Hello, sir.

Amber. Roxanne.

Out on a school night, sir?

This your boyfriend, sir?

Say nothing, just keep very still.

You don't want to antagonise them.

Can we get back to my problem?

Okay. Yeah, miserable writer becomes

successful and happy. I get it. And?

And being happy she is unable to

finish her latest miserable novel.

So, in order to help her, the selfless

publisher embarks on a course of action...

...to return her to the

fragile mental state...

...in which she wrote her

highly profitable debut.

You want to make Jane Lockhart's life a

misery so she'll finish writing her book?

That is seriously messed up. Do

they teach you this stuff in France?

We study a broad curriculum.

So, how do we make someone

completely totally miserable?

Why are you asking me?

I've dedicated the last ten years

to encouraging young minds...

...planting hope and aspiration...

Benson, put it away! Stand in the

corner! Face to the wall! Little shite.

Okay, maybe I have some

experience in the field...

The trick is not simply to upset her.

You have to get her in the right mood.

It's a special kind of

misery you want. Melancholy.

That dull sense of dissociation

and alienation that's the source...

...of every artist's creativity. It's

like drain unblocker for novelists.

Keats. John Keats. You're

plan involves actually poetry?

I think by definition

that makes it a sh*t plan.

Alright, settle down you lot,

settle down. William Wordsworth.

Wordsworth was, of course, the first

of the Romantics to use a MacBook Pro...

Careful. You're going to kill that thing.

You know, it was a birthday

present from my dad.

He showed up out of the

blue with a card and...

...a baby money plant and

he said, "I owe you darlin'.

I owe you the world."

And then...

...and then he left...

...and I didn't see

him again for six years.

How many 'p's in 'deprivation'?

Just one.

One.

Coffee cake. That was your mum's favourite.

I know.

Your mum was a big fan of cake in general.

She always made a cake for my birthday.

Aye.

D'you remember when you were six?

Your mum and I took you to Edinburgh zoo

and the monkeys threw rotten fruit at us.

I slipped on a bit. Fractured

my foot in three places.

Those monkeys were laughing

at us. Do you remember?

Yeah. I remember.

That's in your book, isn't it?

'Happy Thing'.

'Ending'. It's called 'Happy Ending'.

And, yes, the main character

does go to the zoo with her dad...

...but he's not you, and they're

not monkeys, they're penguins.

Do penguins throw fruit?

It's different. It's a story, not real life.

You know, they're not the same.

Whatever you say. Damn monkeys.

How's the new book doing?

Oh it's cooking.

And Tommy?

Don't call him Tommy. His name is

Thomas Duval. He's from Saint-Tropez.

A place they named a fake tan after.

You call him Tommy you make

him sound like he's from here.

Like he's... normal. With his

'ouiii' and his stupid stubbly face.

See a lot of Thomas Duvals round here?

There was a Jean-Claude Darcheville,

he played for Rangers.

Anyway, forget about Tom. I'm about to

sign with a new publisher. Klinsch & McLeish

y'know with the red and white covers?

I liked him. I liked Tom.

Dad.

I mean, nobody else wanted your wee book,

did they? I mean, he showed faith in you.

No, he showed faith in my book.

You know he changed my original title?

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