Not Another Happy Ending Page #3

---

- Did he?

- Yes.

Was it a good title?

That's not the point.

What was it?

What was the original title?

Uh.. nothing. Nothing. It doesn't matter.

Oh tell me. I mean I

like that kind of stuff.

You know, stuff that other people

don't know. Makes me feel closer to you.

Okay. But.. okay. I was going to call it...

'The Endless Anguish of My Father'.

For f***'s sake! 'The

Endless Anguish of My Father'.

I knew it was about me, I knew it.

No, it's not about you.

It's a character I made up.

People at work looked at me

differently when it came out.

I knew it. I'm away back to the depot.

No, you never read it.

You're not allowed to be...

...hurt until you've

actually read the damn thing!

D'you not think I'm hurt my

own dad hasn't read my novel?

I will read it. I'll read just as soon

as I get over my 'anguish'.

Dad?

Target acquired. Over.

It's a pot plant, Roddy.

Not a North Korean reactor.

Just warn me if either

of them comes back.

Roger that. Understood loud and clear.

That is a solid copy.

Right. Time for some low-level unhappiness.

'Twilight Sad'.

Hey Roddy, are you there?

Maverick to Iceman, we are Oscar Mike.

Five klicks from extraction point.

We have a clean visual... bollocks.

Err, Tom? Tom? She's back.

What?

She's coming up the stairs.

Sh*t.

Damn it, man. Get out of there.

Abort! Abort!

Oh that's horrible. She's really upset.

I'm not looking at that.

Yes. Ow. What was that for?

You're enjoying this too much.

It's for her own good.

And it's not as if I

actually killed her plant.

- So what do you think?

- I think this is the end of Les Miserables.

Yes. You should write

something like that.

Oh, yes, thank you. Great suggestion.

Bit French? People dying

of consumption and all that?

I'm a bit more Urban Scotland.

Primal Scream. Unhappy 90's childhood.

- Sorry?

- She wasn't talking to you.

I wasn't talking to you.

- Willie?

- Hmm?

Do your characters ever... talk to you?

Sure. All the time. That's why I've

got this. Drowns out the bastards.

See, when I'm writing, I like

to hear the one voice. Mine.

Charming. Quite the hero.

You still blocked?

101 Ways to Beat Writer's Block?

Beat Your Block To A Pulp?

What Would Jesus Write? Seriously?

Okay. Okay, so what's the deal?

Are you going to stalk me

until you finish my novel?

Yes, I believe that's how it works.

Now, can we talk about the last chapter?

What about it?

I'm a romantic heroine.

I don't want to end up unhappy.

It's not that easy. You don't

really get to choose your ending.

It has to follow from what came

before, or it doesn't feel true.

Please. I want it all to turn out okay.

Jane, don't let us down, darling...

Jane Lockhart?

I thought it was you. Shona

Heywood, proprietor of Mocha Books.

Can I just say it's such a pleasure to meet

the woman who helped pay for my new kitchen.

It is, it's her. It's her.

I just loved 'Happy Ending'. It's so sad.

I can't wait for your next one.

- What's it called?

- Is it finished yet?

Well, it's going to be, err...

It must be difficult. I

mean, so much to live up to.

How do you come back after the

extraordinary success of 'Happy Ending'?

We are interrupting the muse.

I'm sure you're eager

to get back to the page.

Oh yes.

And I have my eye on

a gorgeous bathroom.

Please, take that, with my compliments.

- I just need to run that through the till..

- No!

Blocked?

Dad.

Come in.

I was just making strudel.

I can't stay anyway. Err...

I just wanted to say...

I had it in my head,

what I was going to say.

I don't suppose you're

ever stuck for words.

Listen. We don't really know each other.

And I would like to get to know you.

And I'm making a mess of it again.

The other day, in the cemetery...

I was out of order. I was and I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry

darlin'. Right, that's it.

I've said it and, err,

I'm going to go and meet...

...the boys for quiz practice.

I'm off, okay. I'm off.

Dad?

It's okay. Look, I know how

complicated all of this is and, err...

Can I be on your quiz team?

I think maybe you're a bit

busy for a daft quiz team.

Please. I'd like to. Get to know you.

Really?

Really.

Great. Great. We need you.

Rory's showing signs of early

dementia. That would be great.

Welcome to the family.

Thanks. Thanks so much.

Please excuse Doctor

Klinsch, she does have...

...a tendency to pee her pants

when we sign a new author.

That was just the one time.

Okay. Klinsch & McLeish.

I can't quite believe it.

I'm going to be published in one of

those classic red and white covers.

It's obviously it's not just about

the covers but they're so pretty.

Your list is amazing too.

I mean, you publish Glen Buchan.

Ah Glen. Fabulous writer.

And you know that you

have something in common.

Really? No. What? You think so? God,

he's up there with Rushdie and McEwan.

Quite possibly. No, what

I meant was that you...

...were both discovered

by your former publisher.

Tom?

Yes, it didn't last. They

went their separate ways...

...before the first novel

was published. By us.

Well, yeah. Sounds like Tom.

Anyway, enough of the past.

Here's to the future.

It's exciting.

Blocked in this too, eh?

I'm so sorry. Would you just excuse us, me,

for one second? Where's your bathroom?

Okay, what are you doing here?

Well, I've figured out what's going on.

You can't write the ending

because once it's finished...

...you'll have no reason

to see Tom ever again.

Oh that is such a load of rubbish.

Jane dear? Is everything alright?

Err yes. Yes, fine.

I'll just be out in a minute.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm about to

leave Tom and sign with a new publisher.

Oh, and one more minor detail...

I'm not writing my ending. I'm

writing yours. And I'm not you.

No, of course not. And your

first novel wasn't a barely...

...fictionalised account of your

relationship with your father.

Oh, and remind me, what's your

middle name again? Jane Darsie Lockhart.

Well that means nothing. And anyway...

...I was thinking of changing

your name, so you can..

Still here.

Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Now then young lady.

Ready to go with a real publisher?

Let me get this straight.

You only take on writers you love?

Writing I love.

How interesting.

No, no it isn't. Can we get

back to making Jane miserable?

Fine. If that's what you really want.

Have you thought about what

will happen if you succeed?

Yes. I win.

Yes. But you'll lose her.

Who cares? It's not as if she wants to stay.

Motivation. The heart of

self-improvement. A. Achieve your dreams.

Avoid negative people,

things and places.

B. Believe in yourself. What you can do. C.

Consider things on every angle and aspect...

One of us really needs to get laid.

Oh God yes.

We should, next week.

There's a girl at the chippy.

Q. Quitters never win.

And winners never quit.

So choose your fate. Are you going

to be a quitter or a winner? R...

Okay. Here's a thought.

We could kill her dog.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes