Not Another Happy Ending Page #4

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I didn't know she had a dog.

She doesn't.

We could buy her one and then kill it.

It wouldn't be a cute dog.

And you don't think that's a little bit,

how can I put this, psychotic?

Yeah, you're right. She hasn't got a dog.

But she has got a screenwriter.

I'm not helping you

kill Willie Scott, am I? Tom?

Damn it. She's still baking.

Back, you cupcakes of Satan.

Okay. Here goes.

I hate these things.

Yeah, I prefer the Routemaster

Two Six Seven Oh myself.

It's a bus joke. Sorry.

No, no. I get it. It's

just I've never really...

...met anyone else who

made a bus joke before.

Hello Jane.

Hello. What do you want?

I'll tell you what I don't want.

I don't want a cupcake.

So. Two writers living

under the same roof...

...how's that working out?

I imagine it's fantastic:

...Sharing ideas, the ebb and flow of

discussion. Willie must be a great boon.

Oh yes. Yes, he is.

So what does the

Big Man make of the new novel?

You're right. It's not fair

to ask you. I should ask him.

No, no, no. He loves it. He just loves it.

Naturally he has notes...

Naturally.

Willie has not asked to

read one single page, has he?

He's very busy with his screenplay.

Ah yes, the adaptation. How's that going?

Terrific. Oh it's going terrific... Iy.

You don't know, do you?

He doesn't discuss it with you.

What's your point?

He's using you.

That's rich, coming from you.

Come on, it's common

knowledge he wouldn't be...

...adapting 'Happy Ending'

if you hadn't insisted.

Willie Scott's writing career

peaked sometime around 1998.

He's a talentless hack...

...without a brain or a conscious...

...who doesn't give a damn

about your or your novel!

- Yeah.

- Behind you.

Hey.

Willie!

Is that fruit cake?

Oh, yes. It's frozen. I brought

a couple of spares. It's for your nose.

Look, I'm sorry about Willie.

He shouldn't have hit you.

Even though you did deserve it.

He caught me off guard.

Usually I don't go down

after the first punch.

Usually it's about the third or fourth.

How did I get here?

I made Willie carry you.

No you didn't.

What's wrong now?

It's not very manly, being carried

upstairs by another bloke.

He's not still here, is he?

No, I sent him outside to calm down.

Look, Jane. There's

something I need to tell you.

Something I've never said before.

What's the capital of Ethiopia?

We're in the finals, actually.

So that was it.

That's what you needed to say?

No. No, no.

I... What I meant to say is...

'Happy Ending'.

At the end, when things became...

you know... with us.

And the title...

I never told you... the book.

It's good.

It's like the saddest music I've ever heard.

What the hell was that? What are you up to?

I'm not up to anything.

Yes you are. All this 'sad music'

crap, and filling my head...

...with doubts about Willie. Why

would you do that, why? Unless...

Unless... Oh, I know why.

You want me to sign a

new book deal with you.

Well, if you can hear me through the

obvious concussion, pay attention.

It is. Never. Going. To. Happen.

I have a concussion?

Oh get off. Get off this bus.

You know what?

You really think I'd want you back?

Why? Why would I do that to myself?

You're distant at the best of times.

And when you're writing your characters

were more real to you than I was.

So, no, Jane. I do not want you back.

I do not want you back.

So, how's the screenplay coming along?

Hmm?

Your screenplay? I was just thinking

we haven't really discussed it much...

...at all... and since, well, I wrote

the novel, maybe I could, you know...

What I mean is, we should

have more ebb and flow.

That's not a bad idea.

You know the scene in the

book where her father...

...goes on a bender and doesn't

turn up for the mother's funeral?

Yes. I remember.

Would you miss it?

What? What? You can't...

Willie, I think we need

to talk this through.

I know what this is about, Janey.

You haven't written a word in two weeks.

So you want to talk, instead

of dealing with your blockage.

How many times? I am not blocked.

There was this writer I knew, got stuck

on a 'Long Lost Sibling' story arc.

Thought it was going to end his

career but... but he beat it.

Do you know how?

How?

He wrote naked.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Seriously.

The idea is you release

yourself from the restrictions...

...of the everyday so that you can express

your ideas in an uninhibited fashion.

Oh, okay. I think you just

want to be able to sit there...

...and write while you stare at my tits.

They are great tits.

It's not a weapon, Jade.

There's some blood on this stick.

Tom.

I've got some business to take care of.

I want it on record that

this is going too far, okay?

She's only just started rebuilding

her relationship with her dad.

I'm just trying to help

her finish her book.

And she'll thank me in the end.

First we get rid of Willie,

then we work on papa.

So Mr Scott, Willie, our senior development

executive has been looking for a...

...a very special screenwriter

with a distinctive voice...

...for a project which she

has slated for next year.

Yeah?

When she heard you were

adapting Jane Lockhart's

'Happy Ending', she was

excited. We were all excited.

What company is this again?

I mean have you spoken to my agent or...?

Yeah. Thank you Priscilla.

You too. Ciao, ciao, ciao.

Sure. She put us right on to you.

But if you're too busy right now,

perhaps we should just leave it?

Oh no, no no. No.

No, no, I'm excited. It's...

...You know it's not just adaptations

that I do. I have my own material you know.

Terrific. Well...

...you can share all that

with our senior VP Bob...

...and our head of deputy

acquisitions Vonda who...

They're going to be over there next

Friday. You live in London, right?

Well, err.. mainly. But you know I've got

my place upcountry too you know, obviously.

Well apologies, but it may involve

dragging you out to the middle of nowhere...

...but we're scouting Steven's next pic.

Steven? Segal?

Soderbergh. He'll probably

drop by to say hi if that's okay?

Aye, that would be fine.

Taxi's here.

Where's my ticket?

It's in your bag where

you put it two minutes ago.

Jane, this is an important trip for me.

These people are

working with Soderbergh.

They called me and

that just never happens.

You're right. It doesn't.

And it's all because of you.

The truth is, they would never have asked to

see me if I hadn't been adapting your novel.

Oh, that is rubbish.

Look, you're a great writer.

Yeah, you're right.

Where's my treatments?

Did you tidy them?

Willie. Breathe.

How you feeling?

Good.

Sharp?

Sharp, aye.

Gordon?

I'm prime., yeah. Mind you,

I'm a bit worried because...

...we don't know what

he's going to ask us.

It's a quiz. It's a quiz Gordon.

Oh right.

Mr L?

Tom. Good to see you mate.

Big night, eh?

Big night. Big night,

aye. This is the final.

The winner gets a holiday in America.

And two tickets to Disneyland.

Wow, that's wonderful. Good luck with that.

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