Not Another Happy Ending Page #5

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Thanks Tom. Thanks. Listen, I know that Jane

and you haven't always seen eye-to-eye...

...but I'm sure she'll be

really happy to see you again.

Where is she?

Oh she's not here yet.

But the quiz doesn't start til eight.

Oh, well, plenty of time then.

Oh, plenty of time...

That was quick. I wasn't expecting

you for another ten minutes.

Oh I was just around the corner.

Where you going?

East End please. The Walter Scott.

No problem.

What do you think?

Lovely.

Me and the lads discussed it.

We're going to make her captain.

When she was a little girl, every penny her

mother gave her she put in the piggy bank.

Saving up, you know, to go to Disneyland.

Every birthday it was Mickey Mouse...

...Mickey Mouse, Disneyland, Mickey

Mouse, you know. Every birthday.

Well... until the seventh birthday.

Her mother took her to Woolworths

for her present, a gift.

And, well they were late getting back.

I lost it, Tom, you know. I was...

'I want my dinner on the table' and...

That was the night I walked out on them.

If only that was the worst

thing I did that night.

Excuse me. Where are we going?

The Rabbie Burns.

I said The Walter Scott.

You sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Hey. There's no need for that.

They're both iconic pillars of our

national literature, arguably responsible...

...for the over-romanticisation

of Scottish history...

...that persists to this

day. Easy mistake to make.

Alright, please. Just please hurry. Please.

Hello it's Benny Lockhart here.

If you leave a message then I'll get

back to you soon. Okey-dokes. Bye.

Do you know why they were late back?

Yeah.

Yeah of course you do

because it's in the book, isn't it?

Her mother dropped dead in Woolworths.

Her mother was lying dead in

the Pick And Mix aisle and her...

...daddy was spending her

Mickey Mouse money on booze.

I swore I would never touch

another drop after that. Not a drop.

You look familiar. You on the telly?

Err no. I've done a few interviews but...

You're that writer, Jane something.

My wife read your book.

Oh yeah?

Aye, what's it called again?

'Happy Ending'.

'Happy Ending', aye. She was

greeting her eyes out by the end.

And you wrote it? That's amazing.

God you must be a right miserable cow.

Do I know you from...

I'm out of fags.

What? Hey, no. Come back!

We need to get to the...

Pub.

Hey!

Years later...

...I discovered that the police brought

her back. Two minutes after I'd left home.

Two minutes, Tom.

You know, I realise that I can

never make it up to that little girl.

That seven year-old Jane.

Can't do it. But if we win tonight, Tom...

If we win tonight, I'm going

to take her to Disneyland.

Aye, I don't mean the shite one in

Paris. The real Disneyland. No offence.

None taken.

Gentlemen, ladies, can you please

take your places for the quiz final.

She'll be here. She'll be here.

Nothing's going to happen.

Not again. No. No.

Help! Help!

You know what? I'll see you in a second.

Tom.

Roddy. Call it off. Call it off.

Bring her here immediately.

She's gone. We've lost her.

In Cambuslang.

Sorry!

Captains, last call. Can you please bring

your team lists to the adjudicator's table.

Benny...

If I don't get your list

you'll forfeit your place.

Benny, come on.

Come on Benny.

Two more minutes, lads.

Benny... I'm.. I'm sorry.

It's okay, son. It's not your fault.

Well, actually...

Right, okay. That's enough.

Let's get on with this.

Welcome, ladies and

gentlemen to the grand final...

Dad.

Dad.

Question one...

Who was William Shakespeare's wife?

The indisputable winners...

Benny and his Jets!

Whooah!

Fact is...

...we're not dog-killers. What's

the worst thing we actually achieved?

Kidnapping a pot plant.

There's our fatal flaw.

At heart, we're nice guys.

I'm going to tell her everything.

I will not do nudity unless

it is essential to the plot.

Oh, you must be joking.

Jane?

Just go away.

I've got to talk to you.

Please open the door.

Hold on a minute.

Willie?

You need to hear about our

great deal on home insurance.

- Have you ever thought about what would...

- Jane? Your meringues, Jane.

...happen if your house caught fire?

Sh*t.

Jane! You okay?

Sh*t. Sh*t. Sh*t.

Sh*t!

Sh*t.

I...

Stop looking!

What the hell are you doing here, anyway?

I came to apolo... Whoah.

Is that my novel?

No, no, no. Give that back. Give it back!

I paid good money for this.

I'm going to read it.

You don't get to read

anything until it's finished.

Okay.

Here.

Thank you.

Good to know you can behave

like a grown-up once in a...

Where's the rest of it?

Hey, come out of there!

You thieving bastard! Give me back my novel!

How could you do that?

I can't believe you. Even you.

So what did you think?

It's merely the first couple

of chapters so who can say?

However...

...putting to one side

that you're a whining...

...overpaid author who clearly

got lucky with her debut...

...I'd say this is a very good start.

Well...

...coming from a never-even-has-been

owner of a third-rate publishing company...

...I'd have to say thank you.

Naturally...

...I have a few notes.

Naturally.

For instance...

The first page...

I don't get it.

I'm just going to get the phone.

- Willie?

- Hi Janey.

Hi. How's the trip going?

Did you meet Soderbergh?

There was no meeting.

I've been stuck in the

arse end of nowhere...

...couldn't get a cab, I've been walking

for nine hours in the rain, my phone died...

...I've only just now found a phone.

Oh Willie.

I'm cold and wet and feeling so...

...so miserable.

You know, the funny things is, even

though the trip turned out so badly...

You know, it made me realise a

few things. I miss you, Janey.

You're the best thing in my life and...

I love you.

Janey, let's get married.

There we go.

He's sick.

Oh come on, he's just

taking the piss now.

He said he loves me. You heard him.

Actually I didn't. Maybe it

was in your vivid imagination.

And I love Willie too. He makes me... happy.

Any chance of that cup of tea, doll?

He's a sweetheart.

Priscilla? Listen, sweetheart...

...get out the big pen.

Time to bill the bastards for my first

draft. I just finished the script.

A lifetime with Willie Scott.

If that doesn't make her

miserable, nothing will.

Look, I know things haven't worked

out for the two of you but...

Surely you don't really actually totally

completely want her to be unhappy?

Of course I don't. I mean...

...Oh tu comprends

pas.. It's tricky, okay?

Whatever.

...which is why Shakespeare

never left New York again.

Okay, chapter twenty-one. Read it or...

...be punished. Yo.

He's only gone and changed the ending.

Wow. All you did was to change the title

and she thought you were a complete wanker.

That's Juan Kerr.

He was a nineteenth century

South American revolutionary.

This is going to break her heart.

Yeah well great.

Now all you've got to do is make sure

she reads it. Mission accomplished.

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