Not Another Teen Movie

I just hope it doesn't cause any

permanent damage.

- How long have you been here, anyway?

- A while.

- You missed yourprom?

- Yeah.

The thing is, when I made that bet--

There he is. It's Freddie.

He's wearing a tux.

What's up? I met a whole other

person inside ofyou.

There's a whole otherperson

inside ofboth of us.

Would the whole otherperson...

...like to dance?

Yes.

- Morning, sweetie!

- Daddy!

- Why are you in here?

- Why am I in here?

It's her birthday, Dad.

Happy birthday, sweetie.

- What's that buzzing sound?

- I just need a minute, here.

Maybe it's that construction.

Where's my little angel?

Happy birthday, honey.

Grandma? Grandpa?

Rosco!

Rosco, go.

- Hello.

- Father O'Flannagan?

I brought your special friends

from the center!

- Happy birthday!

- Janey's making faces.

It smells in here.

Okay, make a wish, dear.

No.

This isn't a typical high school.

At John Hughes, there are no cliques,

no exclusive social groups.

You're accepted for you,

not who you hang out with.

We'll divide into groups

so you can get to know your peers.

Let's get all you jocks

in one group...

...and get you slutty girls

over here by me.

Hey, how you doing?

Welcome.

You losers should

hang out in the back.

That clearly includes you.

Come on, get back there.

Take a look at the kid

standing beside you.

They're your only friends

for the next four years.

Okay, let's move it, people!

- You need to start dating.

- I don't date. You know that.

Janey, you know Dad's rule.

I can't have sex before you.

I don't conform to

typical high-school norms.

I read Sylvia Plath,

listen to Bikini Kill and eat tofu.

- I'm a unique rebel.

- More like you're a lesbo.

Mitch, leave your sister alone.

Thank you, Daddy.

If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher,

that's her decision.

Go! Fight! Win!

Nice combination, Crissy!

I've been meaning to get that fixed.

Later, Dad.

I'll be late to pick you up.

Why? A job interview?

No, honey.

I'll probably just be way too drunk.

That's good.

No drinking and driving.

Oh, I'll be driving.

I'll just be too drunk to remember.

Okay. Bye, Daddy.

Bye, pumpkin-head.

- Oh, my God!

- Get out of the road!

Oh, my God, it's Jake.

- Hi, stud.

- Hi, Jake.

- I love that thing with his eyebrows.

- Those sideburns.

Oh, my God, there's Jake.

He's so popular.

He just looked at me.

- Here. You can keep it.

- Tiff.

Hi, Jake. It's all wet.

Melanie.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Arthur.

Here's Ricky!

Hey, Ricky.

How was your weekend?

Friday night I stood

outside your window in the rain...

...screaming your name.

Then I spent Saturday and Sunday

making you this great...

...l've-been-desperately-trying-

to-tell-you-that...

...l'm-madly-in-love-with-you...

...mix tape for your birthday.

A mix tape?

That's so sweet, Ricky.

See you in English.

Catch you guy later.

What happening?

Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending

to be Asian, and sh*t.

That cracker is white!

Can't he see that, yo?

Did you get any action this weekend?

- I visit grandfather.

- I played with my sisters.

We're pathetic.

How will we ever lose our virginity

by graduation?

- We're freshmen.

- What's with the attitude?

- Not easy to get lucky here.

- Girls are sensitive.

They're not looking for sex.

They're looking for love.

Love me! Harder!

Amanda Becker.

She is so perfect.

Keep dreaming.

What's up, Reggie Ray?

I can't wait until Friday's game.

What about your head? You have

a blood clot the size of a grapefruit.

Five more concussions and you'll die.

You should take it easy.

- Don't listen to him.

- Austin.

Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore,

isn't first-string anymore.

We know what happened last time

Jake called the plays.

And now, ourhometown hero...

...first-string quarterback,

Jake Wyler!

Malik, could you hold these books?

Sure. Why not?

I am the token black guy.

I smile, stay out of

the conversation...

...and say things like "Damn,"

"Sh*t," and "That is whack!"

What's she doing here?

She graduated four years ago.

- Hi, Jake.

- Catherine.

Can I ask you a question?

Why is it when I tell a guy

to put it anywhere...

- ...they always stick it in my ass?

- Damn!

Way too much information.

Oh, no. Too much information

would be telling you...

...that after they're done

I take a huge dump.

Sh*t!

On their chest.

Oh, that is whack!

Priscilla, there you are.

Jake, I need some

T- to-the-fourth-power-Y.

Some time to talk to you.

God.

It made sense to me, Priscilla.

You're leaving me for this guy?

I'm sorry, Jake.

We met over spring break.

I'm not ordinary.

You're leaving me for this guy?

His name is Les...

...and he's the most beautiful thing

I've ever seen.

And so is his bag.

Janey Briggs,

please report to the office.

Being a foreign exchange student

is scary...

...adjusting to a new school,

a new country.

But you'll find that the students

are very accepting.

- I am so happy to be in America.

- You have a sunny disposition.

- You got your schedule?

- I don't need it.

I come to school to be

object of lust...

...for poor nerds who cannot get

American p*ssy.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

Janey, come in.

This is Areola,

our foreign exchange student.

Janey will show you

to your first class.

Hi.

- I like your backpack.

- Grazie.

Dude, I heard there's an undercover

reporter posing as a student.

Dude, no way, dude.

Do you know where

Mr. Keller's English class is?

- Down the hall, on your left.

- Sweet, dude.

For the thousandth time, I said,

"Swallow that thing."

Am I right?

How could Priscilla dump me,

Jake Wyler?

Who does she think she is?

I got two words for you, Jake:

Prom queen, material.

Austin, she's an illusion.

You take away the makeup,

the clothes...

...the way she wears her hair,

the smell of her perfume...

...that cute face she makes

when she's tonguing my balls...

Look, she's replaceable.

Given the right look,

the right boyfriend...

- ...any girl could be prom queen.

- I smell a bet.

Jakey, Jakey,

about to make a big...

...mistakey.

I'll pick the most

hopeless girl at this school...

...and I'll bet that you

can't turn her into prom queen.

You're on, Austin.

I'll bet you lose that bet...

...but learn a much more

valuable lesson, and win.

In life, that is.

You're both on.

All right.

Let's find you a prom queen,

Mr. Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.

What about her?

Baby's got back.

Hunch, that is.

No, way too easy.

- I have no pigment

- Any girl with a guitar is hot.

I need sunscreen

Even a hippie albino.

She could be prom queen.

What about the Fratelli sisters?

So they're slightly disfigured

and connected.

But combined, those two make up

one pretty decent chick.

- I'd do them!

- I know, Reggie Ray.

I'm looking for somebody

really messed up.

I'm talking about a real shitbomb.

Well, bombs away.

No, no, no, anyone but her!

Not Janey Briggs.

Guys, she's got glasses

and a ponytail.

She's got paint on her overalls!

What is that?

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