Nothing

---

The following is a true story.

The people are actual people.

Their names

are their actual names.

Everything has been thoroughly

researched and verified.

Dave and Andrew

are best friends.

They'd been best

since they were 9 years old.

Andrew was an extremely

nervous young man.

He was afraid

of just about everything.

Dave was totally self-centred

and could never

get things to go his way.

Neither of them

were popular with other kids.

And it wasn't long

before they realized

that their best chance of survival

was sticking together.

Tragically, Andrew's

anxieties grew worse

after his parents died.

Soon he became afraid

to even leave his house.

Like everything else

he attempted,

Dave's dream

of becoming a rock star...

was met

with unequivocal rejection.

Completely broke

and with nowhere else to go,

Dave moved in with Andrew,

who was himself

in desperate need of help.

With Dave there to provide

the basic necessities for living,

and Andrew there to provide

the support of a good friend,

Dave braved the outside world

and found employment.

And Andrew was able to stay

in the safety of their home

by working

as an online travel agent.

[Laughter]

After a life-long struggle

with society,

Dave and Andrew

had finally found happiness...

together.

Sadly, nothing lasts forever.

- I'm moving out.

- What?

- I'm moving out, with Sarah.

- With Sarah?

- Yeah, with Sarah.

Didn't I tell you?

- No.

- I'm pretty sure that I did.

- No. You didn't.

- I think I did.

- I swear! You didn't!

- And I'm telling you I did.

- You didn't!

- I did.

- Didn't!

You really didn't!

- Ah, I could've sworn I did.

Anyway...

- But you've only known her

for 2 weeks!

- What can I tell you?

We're in love.

- You can't leave!

- You'll be fine.

- No!

No, I won't! I'll kill myself!

[Sighs]

- You'll be fine.

- Why are you doing this?

- It doesn't matter.

- Yes! Yes, it does.

I just want to know

why you're abandoning me.

- I'm not abandoning you.

- Yes, you are!

- I'm moving on with my life.

[Traffic]

- But it's garbage day!

- Then you take it out!

- I can't!

- You'll be fine!

[Traffic, sirens]

Ladies.

- Come on, girls.

Don't speak to the strange man.

- Oh!

- Loser!

- Aw...

- I can do this.

I can.

I can do this.

[Airplane overhead]

[Truck's horn]

[Door closes]

Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh God!

Oh God!

[Woman on P.A.]:

Wire is what we are.

Wire is what we do.

- 'Morning.

- John Morfit, line 2. Line 2.

- [Man on P.A.]:
John Bigbutte,

please call reception.

[People snickering]

- Hey, how'd you guys do that?

That's, that's great!

I thought it funny when you

glued the chair to the floor,

but this - it's incredible!

Well done.

- That's just great.

Ah!

[All laugh]

[Sobbing]

- Hey, mister, are you OK?

- Ah!

- Mister?

- I... I...

I...

Iocked myself...

out!

- Don't worry.

[Airplane overhead]

- Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Little girl?

Hello?

Hello?

- It's OK, Mister.

You can come in now.

- Ah! Ah!

- Crawford wants to see you.

- What? Why?

Well, maybe it's

about the promotion?

I mean, I've really been busting

my ass around here lately, so...

- Uh...

yeah.

- That's probably what it is.

[Knocking]

You wanted to see me, sir?

- Dave!

Get your crafty ass in here!

You thirsty?

Want something to drink?

- No, I'm fine. Thanks.

- He's fine!

Heh-heh. I like that!

I like that!

So, uh...

You do know why

you're here, right?

- I think so.

- He thinks so!

That's great stuff!

Great stuff!

Who knew you had it in you?

- Well, l...

- Scrawny little ugly guy like you?

Little mousy guy,

hiding in the shadows,

eating cheese,

begging for crumbs?

Who knew?

But you're stupid,

aren't you, Dave?

- Huh?

- You're an idiot. A moron.

Jackass. Heh-heh!

End of the day,

you think it's morning.

- What?

- Did you think

we wouldn't find out?

- Find out about what?

About the promotion?

- Promotion?

For you?

- Well, I thought...

[laughs]

- You embezzle $27,369.27

from the company

and you want a promotion?

You're amazing!

- What?!

Hold on a second!

I didn't embezzle anything!

- Well, sure you did!

It's all right here.

- It's got to be a mistake!

- I don't think so.

I don't think

the authorities will either.

- Authorities?

- That's right, Dave.

Authorities.

- Is there anything else

I can get you?

- No!

No. Thank you. I'm fine.

- What about something to eat?

- No, really.

Everything's fine.

Maybe you should just leave.

- I don't know, Mister.

You were pretty shaken up.

Maybe I should stay and look

after you for a little while.

I am a Fireside Girl.

- No. I just don't like

going outside, that's all.

And I'm not very

good with people,

so I think it would be better

if you just left.

- I'm going to make you

something to eat.

- No!

Please, just leave.

- A**hole!

[Fire-truck siren]

- You lost your job?

- Baby, they got nothing on me!

I'm clean!

- I can't believe this is happening.

- Don't worry. I didn't do anything.

Besides,

I've got much bigger news

to tell you!

- Oh yeah?

What's that?

- I'm moving in!

[Car alarm]

Look, I know the timing

of all of this is a little weird,

but I think it just depends

on how you look at it.

You were always complaining

about how we never had time

to see each other.

Well, now Andrew's

out of my life.

And as far as the job goes,

well, I can always

get another job.

Maybe I could work

at your place!

I could be a short-order cook!

And we could spend our days

and nights together. Huh?

Baby,

you're not moving in with me!

I'm moving in with you!

- I embezzled the money

from your work.

- What?

- I used your password

to get into the accounting software

at your office.

And over the last two weeks

wired $27,369.27

to an account in Zurich.

Can you hand me that?

- You did?

- I made sure

all the evidence points to you.

You should probably

get a lawyer.

Thanks.

- This is some kind of joke, right?

Baby, you love me.

- You're a loser, Dave.

I never even liked you.

[Police radio]

- Oh!

Argh!

Goddamn it!

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn it! Damn it all to hell!

- "Tonga is the crown jewel

of the South Pacific,

"a paradise not only

perfect for romance...

[traffic overhead]

"But also to bring out

the adventure in all of us.

"In fact, I just got back

a couple of days ago myself."

[Doorbell]

Ow!

Hello?

- Are you still there?

- Yes!

- Is something wrong?

- No, no. Nothing.

Just the, um... sunburn

from the vacation.

Yeah, you've got to

put the lotion on,

even when it's cloudy.

[Traffic]

Especially when it's cloudy!

[Doorbell]

Uh, well, I'll make

your reservations

and call you back

to confirm everything.

Thank you!

[Doorbell]

Yes?

- May I speak with you

for a minute?

Is this the man?

You are so f***ed!

I'll make sure you spend

the rest of your life in prison,

you sick son of a b*tch!

- What?

What are you talking about?

- You kissed my little girl.

- No! No, I didn't!

I never touched her!

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