Nothing in Common Page #8

Every time I went in to take a pee,

you're holding a funeral for seahorses.

Why don't you get

the hell out of here?

I wanna know what

you did to my mother.

You want to know,

so I'll tell you.

From the very first night

on our honeymoon,

she laid there

like a wet rag.

She was frigid, David.

Your mother was frigid.

- Wouldn't do what I asked her to do.

- She didn't know anything.

Right out of the Catholic school,

those things repulsed her.

When you go to bed... When you

go to bed, you want to have fun.

I was her husband, goddamn it.

I wanted some pleasure.

So I went out and got

it someplace else.

Yeah, of course you did.

Your best friend is your dick.

And where did

I learn that?

That's great. The four of us

will go out to lunch someday.

You ran around and came here to sleep

like it was a boarding house.

That's where I grew up,

a boarding house.

Thank you. I found out what

you did to Mom and to me.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

It was tough, very tough,

all of those dreadful

things I did to you.

But that's how I was brought up.

And I did the best I could.

Tomorrow I'm doing a commercial about

a family that cares for each other.

I'm faking it.

My name is Michelle Wilson.

Call me Mishi.

Sometimes we have difficulty with

our black-and-white monitors.

See that bouncing black bar?

It helps when you go like that.

It disappears.

Not like that.

Up and down.

- Ready?

- Can't we watch over there?

- Sure.

- Quiet, please.

We're rolling.

Colonial Airlines, 4-8, Take 1.

Mark.

Snow, Bernie.

And action.

We're pulling back, it's a cold day.

We reveal Grandma

sitting by the hearth,

and she sipping tea,

and the phone rings.

Cut!

Cut!

"Cut"? Did you say "cut"?

No, no. I say "cut. " I'm the director.

I say "action" and "cut. "

If you wanna be a director, all you

have to learn how to say "action. "

You know how to say "cut. "

Do you hear me?

Okay, Bernie, what are you doing?

It's supposed to be gentle.

What are we going to do?

This woman is drunk.

- I know. Roger?

- Yes? Yes?

Didn't you do a spot

for drunk driving?

- I thought she could handle it.

- Here's a casting tip:

Next time,

hire a sober actress.

Not in front of

the clients, please.

You don't need a bullhorn.

She is hard of hearing.

She's drunk and deaf? How'd

she even know she got the job?

I did not hire

this actress, sir.

Don't be so testy.

This is the face

Colonial Airlines wants.

- So we will make it work.

- Yes, yes, we will.

We will pour coffee down her,

whatever it takes.

- And get me some coffee.

- Coming up.

Billy, do we have decaf?

- This snow is still too thick.

- Practice, Bernie.

- My father wants to have lunch today.

- No, I don't have time to have lunch.

Bernie, can we make

the flakes actual flakes?

It was just a little problem.

The coffee cup was wet and it slipped.

She's such a sweet old lady.

We're gonna give her a break.

I wanna show you the stage

where we have the terminal set up.

What are you doing with this?

Get this out of here. Check later.

Where's the kid?

Still in school?

We're not quite ready.

You can step out while we set up.

- What is this?

- A housecat.

You want something

more exotic?

- When did we get a housecat?

- Roger said get a cat.

- Lose the cat. Roger.

- Yeah?

Get it out of here.

A cat?

I thought it would be interesting

for her to say goodbye to it.

- Oh, that's a good idea.

- Yeah.

Let's do a commercial

about a grandma

who abandons a cat

in the dead of winter,

so she can romp with her grandkids.

Good idea, Rog.

We can get coverage of the cat

trying to get some nourishment.

The starving, scrawny cat.

Any other animals that Grandma

can torture before she leaves?

Maybe throw a squirrel

in the fireplace?

We don't want to work in

advertising anymore, do we? No.

- What are you looking at?

- Go smash this with a hammer.

Let's take a break.

We haven't had too many today.

- What are these people...?

- Just relax.

Come on. It's me.

Come on.

Why don't you

just go home, huh?

- What's the problem?

- I'm sorry.

I had a real bad night

last night. I'm sorry.

- You laying some bad pipe?

- No, it's nothing like that.

- What?

- My old man.

I don't talk to my old man so

I wouldn't know about that.

You remember the time we

were working at the mailroom?

Found out we were all gonna be

fired so we shredded all the mail?

Look at us now, huh?

These people believe that

we know what we're doing.

It's a laugh, isn't it?

Come on, we said we'd do

it as long as it was fun.

Why don't you just go home?

Go to Lincoln Park.

Let me take care of things.

If we have to reshoot, so what?

It's just a commercial.

Come on,

let me see those eyes.

Right.

All right.

You want coffee?

- Sorry about the cat.

- Just keep an eye on things.

- Is he coming back?

- I don't know.

He told me to keep

an eye on things.

- Ms. Wayne wants the...

- The reword copy. I know.

You don't make jokes

with me anymore.

You liked those jokes?

Yeah.

So did I.

Hey, Dad?

Dad?

Come on, Dad.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I called all week.

I'm tired of you hanging up on me.

I bought some groceries, Dad.

Dad, Mom is sitting like a zombie

trying to recover from her one date.

I don't even know what

you're doing in there.

Let me take you

out tonight, huh?

You pick the place. We'll go listen

to some of that music you like.

That's jazz, right?

Jazz music?

Come on.

Doesn't that do

something to you?

- Doesn't that do something

to you? - No.

- Can we go? It's 4 in the morning.

- What 4 in the morning?

Oh.

Dad, where are

your new glasses?

I lost my slipper someplace.

Dad?

Where are your new glasses?

They're being fixed.

They didn't fit right.

On behalf of the

Unlisted Jazz Band, that's it.

Wait a minute, Conrad.

One more time.

Max, give us a break.

It's closing.

I haven't even drank

my minimum.

All right, Max.

For you, one more time.

"When the Saints. "

One, two, one.

You didn't go in.

You didn't go in to

see the doctor, did you?

I'm gonna get your goddamn slipper.

Then I'm taking you home.

I'm not staying in

this lousy hospital.

I'm feeling fine.

I'm going home.

Let me out of this chair.

Let me out of this chair!

Let me out of this thing.

Get your hand off.

You wanna start with malpractice?

It's all right.

I'll handle this.

- You'll handle nothing.

- This has to be done tomorrow.

Tomorrow, bullshit. I won't

be here tomorrow morning.

If anybody touches my legs,

I'll brain the son of a b*tch.

You've got no choice.

No choice.

I knew he'd find

something wrong.

Because something is wrong

with you. Put this on.

I don't wanna.

Your ass hangs out.

Then don't sleep

on your stomach.

There's no sense hanging anything

up because I'm getting out of here.

The last thing he says

is don't tell his friends.

He doesn't want them

to know he's sick.

How serious is it?

He could lose his legs.

Definitely parts of both feet.

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