Odd Human (a script created by a random script generator) Page #2

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WADE:

When I said I dunno, you know I was just trying to distract the human don't you?

INT. CHINESE BUFFET - AFTERNOON

Mean Stripper MS. SARAH NICOLE is arguing with Nice Chef MS. BLAKE WETHERS. SARAH tries to hug BLAKE but she shakes her off.

SARAH:

Please Blake, don't leave me.

BLAKE:

I'm sorry Sarah, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

SARAH:

I am such a person!

BLAKE frowns.

BLAKE:

I'm sorry, Sarah. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

BLAKE leaves.

SARAH sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, Attractive Doctor MR. WADE CHRIST barges in looking flustered.

SARAH:

Goodness, Wade! Is everything okay?

WADE:

I'm afraid not.

SARAH:

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

WADE:

It's ... a human ... I saw an evil human touch a bunch of Eldery people!

SARAH:

Defenseless Eldery people?

WADE:

Yes, defenseless Eldery people!

SARAH:

Bloomin' heck, Wade! We've got to do something.

WADE:

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

SARAH:

You can start by telling me where this happened.

WADE:

I was...

WADE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

SARAH:

Focus Wade, focus! Where did it happen?

WADE:

Creepy House! That's right - Creepy House!

SARAH springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

SARAH rushes along the street, followed by WADE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. CREEPY HOUSE - SHORTLY AFTER

TOI SE. an odd human terrorises two Eldery people.

SARAH, closely followed by WADE, rushes towards TOI, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

WADE:

What is is? What's the matter?

SARAH:

That's not just any old human, that's Toi Se.!

WADE:

Who's Toi Se.?

SARAH:

Who's Toi Se.? Who's Toi Se.? Only the most odd human in the universe!

WADE:

Blinkin' knickers, Sarah! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

SARAH:

You can say that again.

WADE:

Blinkin' knickers, Sarah! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

SARAH:

I'm going to need anything, lots of anything.

Toi turns and sees Sarah and Wade. He grins an evil grin.

TOI:

Sarah Nicole, we meet again.

WADE:

You've met?

SARAH:

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young SARAH is sitting in a park listening to some Death Metal music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees TOI. She takes off her headphones.

TOI:

Would you like some Liquorice?

SARAH's eyes light up, but then he studies TOI more closely, and looks uneasy.

SARAH:

I don't know, you look kind of odd.

TOI:

Me? No. I'm not odd. I'm the least odd human in the world.

SARAH:

Wait, you're a human?

SARAH runs away, screaming.

INT. CREEPY HOUSE - PRESENT DAY

TOI:

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

WADE:

(To SARAH) You ran away?

SARAH:

(To WADE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

SARAH turns to TOI.

SARAH:

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

SARAH runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

SARAH:

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with anything.

TOI:

I'm not scared of you.

SARAH:

You should be.

EXT. STRIP CLUB - LATER THAT DAY

SARAH and WADE walk around searching for something.

SARAH:

I feel sure I left my anything somewhere around here.

WADE:

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly anything.

SARAH:

You know nothing Wade Christ.

WADE:

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, TOI appears, holding a pair of anything.

TOI:

Looking for something?

WADE:

Crikey, Sarah, he's got your anything.

SARAH:

Tell me something I don't already know!

WADE:

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

SARAH:

I know that already!

WADE:

I dunno.

TOI:

(Appalled) Dude!

While TOI is looking at WADE with disgust, SARAH lunges forward and grabs her deadly anything. He wields them, triumphantly.

SARAH:

Prepare to die, you odd flesh!

TOI:

No please! All I did was touch a bunch of Eldery people!

BLAKE enters, unseen by any of the others.

SARAH:

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Eldery people were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Sarah Nicole defender of innocent Eldery people.

TOI:

Don't hurt me! Please!

SARAH:

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these anything on you right away!

TOI:

Because Sarah, I am your father.

SARAH looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

SARAH:

No you're not!

TOI:

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

TOI tries to grab the anything but SARAH dodges out of the way.

SARAH:

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, TOI slumps to the ground.

WADE:

Did he just faint?

SARAH:

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly anything.

SARAH crouches over TOI's body.

WADE:

Be careful, Sarah. It could be a trick.

SARAH:

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Toi Se. is dead!

SARAH:

What?

SARAH:

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

WADE claps his hands.

WADE:

So your anything did save the day, after all.

BLAKE steps forward.

BLAKE:

Is it true? Did you kill the odd human?

SARAH:

Blake how long have you been...?

BLAKE puts her arm around SARAH.

BLAKE:

Long enough.

SARAH:

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Toi Se..

BLAKE:

Then the Eldery people are safe?

SARAH:

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Eldery people enter, looking relived.

BLAKE:

You are their hero.

The Eldery people bow to SARAH.

SARAH:

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Toi Se. will never touch Eldery people ever again, is enough for me.

BLAKE:

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Eldery people passes SARAH a red severed foot

BLAKE:

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

SARAH:

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

SARAH:

Well, if you insist.

SARAH takes the severed foot.

SARAH:

Thank you.

The Eldery people bow their heads once more, and leave.

SARAH turns to BLAKE.

SARAH:

Does this mean you want me back?

BLAKE:

Oh, Sarah, of course I want you back!

SARAH smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

SARAH:

Well you can't have me.

BLAKE:

WHAT?

SARAH:

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a human to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

BLAKE:

But...

SARAH:

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Wade.

WADE grins.

BLAKE:

But...

WADE:

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

BLAKE:

Sarah?

SARAH:

I'm sorry Blake, but I think you should skidaddle.

BLAKE leaves.

WADE turns to SARAH.

WADE:

Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

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