Odder Human (sequel to Odd Human)

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INT. PLAYGROUND - AFTERNOON

Overly Awkward lawyer MR. STALLONE ALONE is arguing with Nice Chef MS. Blake BLUNDER. STALLONE tries to hug Blake but she shakes him off.

STALLONE:

NO!

Blake

I'm sorry Stallone, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on.

STALLONE:

I am such a failure!

Blake frowns as she slowly walks off.

Blake

I'm sorry, Stallone. I just don't feel like I love you.

Blake leaves.

STALLONE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, caring Yoga Instructor MRS. CHARLIE WEATHERS barges in, looking attractive as ever.

STALLONE:

Goodness, Charlie! Is everything okay?

CHARLIE:

I'm afraid not.

STALLONE:

What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

CHARLIE:

It's ... a human ... I saw an evil human squish a bunch of Teenagers!

STALLONE:

Defenseless Teenagers?

CHARLIE:

Yes, defenseless Teenagers!

STALLONE:

Bloomin' heck, Charlie! We've got to do something.

CHARLIE:

I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

STALLONE:

You can start by telling me where this happened.

CHARLIE:

I was...

CHARLIE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

STALLONE:

Focus Charlie, focus! Where did it happen?

CHARLIE:

Mall! That's right - Mall!

STALLONE springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

STALLONE rushes along the street, followed by CHARLIE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. MALL - SHORTLY AFTER

GEORGINA BARKER an odd human terrorises two Teenagers.

STALLONE, closely followed by CHARLIE, rushes towards GEORGINA, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

CHARLIE:

What is is? What's the matter?

STALLONE:

That's not just any old human, that's Georgina Barker!

CHARLIE:

Who's Georgina Barker?

STALLONE:

Who's Georgina Barker? Who's Georgina Barker? Only the most odd human in the universe!

CHARLIE:

Blinkin' knickers, Stallone! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

STALLONE:

You can say that again.

CHARLIE:

Blinkin' knickers, Stallone! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most odd human in the universe!

STALLONE:

I'm going to need anything, lots of anything.

Georgina turns and sees Stallone and Charlie. He grins an evil grin.

GEORGINA:

Stallone Alone, we meet again.

CHARLIE:

You've met?

STALLONE:

Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young STALLONE is sitting in a park listening to some Piano music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees GEORGINA. He takes off his headphones.

GEORGINA:

Would you like some jelly tots?

STALLONE's eyes light up, but then he studies GEORGINA more closely, and looks uneasy.

STALLONE:

I don't know, you look kind of odd.

GEORGINA:

Me? No. I'm not odd. I'm the least odd human in the world.

STALLONE:

Wait, you're a human?

STALLONE runs away, screaming.

EXT. MALL - PRESENT DAY

GEORGINA:

You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

CHARLIE:

(To STALLONE) You ran away?

STALLONE:

(To CHARLIE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

STALLONE turns to GEORGINA.

STALLONE:

I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

STALLONE runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

STALLONE:

I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with anything.

GEORGINA:

I'm not scared of you.

STALLONE:

You should be.

INT. THE POUND - LATER THAT DAY

STALLONE and CHARLIE walk around searching for something.

STALLONE:

I feel sure I left my anything somewhere around here.

CHARLIE:

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly anything.

STALLONE:

You know nothing Charlie Weathers.

CHARLIE:

We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, GEORGINA appears, holding a pair of anything.

GEORGINA:

Looking for something?

CHARLIE:

Crikey, Stallone, he's got your anything.

STALLONE:

Tell me something I don't already know!

CHARLIE:

The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

STALLONE:

I know that already!

CHARLIE:

I dunno how to spell the word "ffiupjlghifben9t-".

GEORGINA:

(Appalled) Dude!

While GEORGINA is looking at CHARLIE with disgust, STALLONE lunges forward and grabs his deadly anything. He wields them, triumphantly.

STALLONE:

Prepare to die, you odd carrot!

GEORGINA:

No please! All I did was squish a bunch of Teenagers!

Blake enters, unseen by any of the others.

STALLONE:

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those Teenagers were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Stallone Alone defender of innocent Teenagers.

GEORGINA:

Don't hurt me! Please!

STALLONE:

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these anything on you right away!

GEORGINA:

Because Stallone, I am your father.

STALLONE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

STALLONE:

No you're not!

GEORGINA:

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

GEORGINA tries to grab the anything but STALLONE dodges out of the way.

STALLONE:

Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, GEORGINA slumps to the ground.

CHARLIE:

Did he just faint?

STALLONE:

I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly anything.

STALLONE crouches over GEORGINA's body.

CHARLIE:

Be careful, Stallone. It could be a trick.

STALLONE:

No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Georgina Barker is dead!

STALLONE:

What?

STALLONE:

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

CHARLIE claps her hands.

CHARLIE:

So your anything did save the day, after all.

Blake steps forward.

Blake

Is it true? Did you kill the odd human?

STALLONE:

Blake how long have you been...?

Blake puts her arm around STALLONE.

Blake

Long enough.

STALLONE:

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Georgina Barker.

Blake

Then the Teenagers are safe?

STALLONE:

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable Teenagers enter, looking relived.

Blake

You are their hero.

The Teenagers bow to STALLONE.

STALLONE:

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Georgina Barker will never squish Teenagers ever again, is enough for me.

Blake

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the Teenagers passes STALLONE a healing severed green finger

Blake

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

STALLONE:

I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

STALLONE:

Well, if you insist.

STALLONE takes the severed green finger.

STALLONE:

Thank you.

The Teenagers bow their heads once more, and leave.

STALLONE turns to Blake.

STALLONE:

Does this mean you want me back?

Blake

Oh, Stallone, of course I want you back!

STALLONE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

STALLONE:

Well you can't have me.

Blake

WHAT?

STALLONE:

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a human to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

Blake

But...

STALLONE:

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Charlie.

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