Office Christmas Party

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1

(FESTIVE HIP-HOP

SONG PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(YAWNING)

MAN:
Are you kidding me?

EZRA:
Oh, Josh!

Sorry I'm late.

That's all right.

Office holiday breakfast.

You guys have parties

at 10:
30 in the morning?

EZRA:
Less liability.

Apparently, people don't

get drunk before noon.

- Mmm.

- It's boring as sh*t.

But the partners

want us there, so...

Sure.

Anyways,

after a year of negotiation,

your divorce is finalised.

These are the terms

we agreed to.

The alimony,

the house. Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

It's only money.

It is only

all of the money.

But it's the season

for giving, right?

I know how you feel.

Oh, yeah? I didn't know

you were divorced.

Oh, God, no.

That'd be crushing.

- Hmm.

- But I get it.

On one level,

it must seem like, uh,

"I'm signing away

a huge chunk of my life

"that I'm never getting back."

JOSH:
Mmm-hmm.

That's it? No other level?

- No, that's it. Uh, initials.

- Oh.

Hey. There are good things

ahead for you, okay?

- Yeah. Oh.

- Come here.

- Thank you. Thanks, buddy.

- Merry Christmas.

- Hey, what's this?

- My final bill's in there.

- Is it?

- Oh, also my holiday card.

The wife had me

and the kids dress up

like members of One Direction.

Pretty fun.

Mmm. Dynamite.

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMEN ON PA)

Yes, Mum, it is all done.

I am divorced.

Well, you should tell Dad

that she is not coming over

for Christmas.

Why?

Because we're divorced, Mum!

Well... Oh, Mum,

don't worry about that.

I'm still gonna be fun.

I'm still gonna be

fun Uncle Josh, you know?

(STAMMERS)

Well, without doing that.

No, you can leave

the Santa suit in the attic.

Why? Because I'm an adult

and dressing up as Santa Claus

would be embarrassing.

Hi. Unless, you know,

you're doing it for charity.

Then it's... Then it's, um...

Sorry.

Tell Dad that I love... Oh!

That's lucky.

Just put me down

for five bucks, okay?

Hanging up, Mum.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey, Carla, good morning.

You see something over there?

What do you got?

I think that Starbucks

- attracts a bad element, Josh.

- Oh, yeah.

Listen.

Give me the green light...

- Mmm-hmm.

- ...and I'll shut it down.

Oh, I love that initiative.

It's awesome.

Could you sign me in

real quick, please?

I wish I could,

but they got us sending you

through these machines now.

Gonna replace my ass,

matter of time.

That's never gonna happen.

These machines

don't have your smile, Carla.

- Make that money!

- (MACHINE BEEPS)

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Josh, we have a situation.

Mary!

How do you always just appear?

You're like a human pop-up ad.

Did you read my latest memo

on appropriate work dress?

Uh, almost done.

Don't ruin the end.

Well, some people didn't.

And those people are Meghan.

(SIGHING)

Nobody listens to H.R.

Hey, Meghan?

I thought

that I have been clear about

the number of buttons that

can be unbuttoned on a shirt.

- You were serious about that?

- It's winter. Can we

put Dancer and Prancer

back in their stable?

Are you body-shaming her

right now?

Some people here

might find your outfit

offensive.

Well, some people might

find your outfit offensive.

And really confusing.

Oh, I thought it was clear.

This is a multi-denominational

holiday sweater.

It has Christmas,

Hanukkah, Kwanzaa,

the Buddhist day

of enlightenment,

and Boxing Day on it.

Everyone's included!

JEREMY:
Is everyone included?

What about, um, what about

something for the Satanists?

Jeremy, come on. I... I admire

the stand that you're taking,

but let's schedule

the protest rally

for after the workday,

shall we?

(STAMMERS)

And, Mary, let's let it slide.

Thank you.

Good morning, everybody.

(WHISPERS)

You can't silence us all.

I know why

you took a medical leave.

NATE:
It's hard for me

to bring her out in public

because she's so beautiful.

Hey, guys.

People put models

on this crazy pedestal, but

I think that's why, you know,

Becca fell for me,

because I just treat her

like a normal person.

TIM:
Good for you, man.

Hey, so, um, are you gonna be

inviting your fake girlfriend

to the holiday party later?

I mean, I just want to

make sure you have time

- to inflate her.

- (LAUGHS)

Okay, Becca's real.

And we're not gonna mix

business with pleasure.

Sounds like

he didn't invite her, dude.

Oh, my God, did you not...

Oh, no! I mean, I hope

she's not imaginary pissed.

You won't get any more

imaginary blow jobs.

- Right?

- (LAUGHING)

Tim. Drew.

Hey, it's a couple days

before Christmas.

Let's just try to keep it

positive till then, okay?

- We're totally positive.

- No, we're all about...

Totally positive

that he is full of sh*t.

- (DREW LAUGHS)

- Hey...

You bring it on yourself,

Nate.

You know,

I do have a girlfriend.

I know.

She's a human woman,

and we've done it.

Maybe just don't talk

about her so much at work.

It's just gonna make

those guys jealous.

You know, not only

are you their boss,

but you also have

a hot girlfriend.

- (CHUCKLES)

- You know?

- It's too much. I hate you.

- (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

- JOSH:
Have a good day.

- You, too!

Can you believe

corporate raised the price

in the vending machine again?

$2 for ginger ale?

They're trying

to crush us like ants!

No, there's a lot of

bad energy in this office.

(GRUNTS)

(DOOR JARRING)

(ROCK MUSIC BLASTING

OVER HEADPHONES)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(BEEPS)

Yo, Josh, what the f***?

What the f***, Tracey?

You changed the security code

without telling me?

Yeah, I'm working

on sensitive sh*t,

and I don't want prying eyes.

I'm prying eyes?

I'm your supervisor.

Chief technical officer,

lead systems engineer.

Yeah, well, I'm the only one

who knows

how to hack

the security panel, so

suck my dick.

JOSH:
Nice. Okay.

What are you working on?

Oh, it's too complicated

to explain.

What is that, subroutine

for duplex compression?

Don't tell me

that's what I think it is.

This is the future of Zenotek.

Hey, we should pitch this

to Data City!

(STAMMERING) That's a theory.

You want to peg

the company to a theory?

Man, you used to get excited

by big ideas.

Now you just bunt, and ask for

the same thing over and over.

I swing for the fences.

And I'm going to change

the f***ing game.

Okay. I need the specs for

the Data City pitch, please.

Already done. Here.

Great. That was fast.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Hey, are you okay?

- Yeah.

Really? Because you seem

a little off today.

You seem a little weird.

- Well...

- Oh, my gosh!

Today is the day, right? Hey!

Congratulations, you're free!

You gonna get a back tattoo

and some skinny jeans?

Funds are a little tight,

but... (INHALES)

It feels good to be free.

Yeah.

All right. Thank you for this.

- TRACEY:
Hey, J.

- Yeah?

I got you

for Secret Santa again.

I know. I got you, too.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, sweetie, that is so great!

Mummy's so proud of you.

Hey, could you put

your daddy back

on the phone for a second?

- Hey, Allison. Is he ready?

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