Office Christmas Party Page #2

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- You f***ing motherf***er!

If I hear you let

your stripper girlfriend

put my children on her

motorcycle one more time

I will Gone Girl you so hard!

- (SOFTLY) You can go in.

- I'll just go in. Thank you.

CLAY:
No, no, no.

Don't try and sell this

as some win-win situation.

This is not

my first rodeo, okay?

- Is that Data City?

- No.

(WHISPERS) No.

Rick, do you want

this deal or not?

Because if you want him,

you're gonna

have to pay for him.

It's almost the playoffs,

not the second week

of the regular season.

Perfect.

It's the right choice.

I am running a train

on this league.

I... I don't think that

that means

what you want it to mean.

I'd love to talk to you

about the Data City pitch,

for later on this afternoon?

Yes, but first I want

your opinion on something.

We've got kind of a crisis.

This is what corporate

wants us to give

everyone for Christmas.

Just this.

Yeah, can't hand that out.

And I'm already

feeling kind of a

"f*** you" vibe down there,

definitely not

Christmas spirit.

I can't argue with you there.

Good. I want to

Secret Santa the sh*t

out of the staff meeting.

Come on.

(SIGHS)

Can we work and walk?

You're not cold

without a big coat on?

No, I gain fifteen pounds

every winter

so I don't have to wear one.

- Huh. That's a healthy choice.

- Not really.

Hey, are you bringing anybody

to this wine and cheese thing?

Uh, no, I'll be there solo.

Good. Smart. So you can

focus on Tracey, right?

Tracey and I work together.

What are you talking about?

I'm just saying. I can't be

your work wife forever.

Hey, how fast do you think

you'd have to go

- to make that jump?

- Uh...

- Boy, I don't know. In a car?

- Yeah.

I just never

thought about that.

You know,

your mind's like a drunk baby.

What do you think, 80 or 90?

What would Vin do? Vin Diesel?

Or Tyrese?

They'd never make it, right?

It's suicide. Unless

you were going 120, you put

a bunch of free weights

in the trunk to even it out,

you know,

then you just catch air.

Boosh!

"F*** you, gravity,

and you, Dom Toretto!"

Then... (WHOOSHES)

...just a smooth landing,

like a baby's buttocks.

I'd love to pick

this up indoors.

You know, I've only ever seen

the first film,

so I don't know

if I'm much help to you

in this conversation. So...

Are you serious? Why am I

just hearing about this?

We've worked together

for eight years.

They only get more fast!

More furious!

I love this place.

So, what would people want?

Would they like... Ooh!

Is this UV?

Is UV good or bad? I forget.

- (GROANS)

- Not good for the eyes, no.

CLAY:
Does it do

anything here?

Probably. Is this for

- teeth whitening?

- WOMAN:
No.

Okay, what about this, right?

Everybody gets

stressed at work...

- (VIBRATING)

- ...around this time of year.

JOSH:
Huh.

That could get you

a sexual harassment suit.

What? Why?

Not everyone likes d*ldos

for Christmas.

This isn't a dildo.

It's a body massager.

Yeah, well, it's a circumcised

purple penis.

It could be considered sexual.

Why is it like that?

Everything here

could be considered sexual.

Hey, what about this

for Alan from legal?

- (TRIMMER WHIRRING)

- Well, Alan's bald.

(SIGHS) It's so hard

to shop for the bald.

Who are they?

What do they want?

Hair.

You know, maybe we should just

go get some gift cards.

That's exactly

what we should do!

"Here's a gift card

because I don't know you

"and I don't care and I won't

get in trouble for it."

You know,

when my dad ran this company,

Christmas was

actually a big deal.

At the Christmas party

every year,

he would dress up

like Santa Claus,

get everybody f***ed up.

Yeah, you could back then.

He would throw gifts

into the crowd.

Derek Peterson shattered his

femur for a rotisserie set.

And that was before Boston

Chicken was, like, a thing.

- I've heard those stories.

- He took care of them.

That's what I want

for my people. You know?

And I want that drone.

Clay, let me ask you

a question.

You think that my management

style is... Is too careful?

Uh, do you think that I bunt

instead of swing

for the fences?

I want to be completely honest

with you, Josh.

I wasn't paying attention, so

I didn't hear your question.

- I can repeat it.

- I'd rather you didn't.

Because I can tell by

your face that it's serious.

And I want

to tell you seriously,

it's almost Christmas. Relax.

- You want some of this?

- I think so.

- I don't think you do.

- You sure?

I think you better get moving.

CLAY:
Uh-oh. Here he goes!

- (NERF GUN WHIRS)

- CLAY:
Huh?

- Eat that! Eat it, Clay!

- (EXCLAIMS)

- (CLATTERING)

- Careful, careful, careful!

(DECORATIONS CLINKING)

- (EXHALES)

- We're good.

Oh, no!

- (OBJECTS CLATTERING)

- (CROWD GASP)

Oh...

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

- (CROWD MURMURING)

- Hey!

Ooh, somebody

is getting fired.

Hey, uh, Allison? Right?

- Yeah.

- I'm Fred.

I just joined accounting.

Hi.

(SIGHS) Um, so, I saw

that photo on your desk.

Are those your kids?

- Yep. They're two and four.

- Oh.

I'm a single mum. Ugh.

That's great.

- I was raised by a single mum.

- Really?

Yeah. If you ask me,

Tupac was right.

(MIMICS TUPAC)

"Ain't a woman alive

"that could take

my mama's place."

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)

ALLISON:

I don't know that song.

Oh, sh*t.

Allison.

- Where's Clay?

- He's unreachable.

He's participating

in a conference... Summit...

Elon Musk, uh,

tech participation... Relay.

Let's try that again.

Allison, where's Clay?

- He's Christmas shopping.

- Okay.

I would like

all department heads

in the conference room

in five minutes.

Tell him to stop

looking at me.

ALLISON:
Look away.

Ooh. No, he's cute. Oh.

Actually...

It's like the calling

never stops.

MEGHAN:
I know.

It's so annoying.

(KELSEY AND MEGHAN

CONTINUE INDISTINCTLY)

CAROL:
Ugh! You have

got to be shitting me.

So the bartender says,

"We don't see many gorillas."

And the gorilla says,

"Well, at $12 for a martini

I can see why not."

You know a lot

of gorilla jokes.

- Yeah.

- Excuse me.

What's going on?

Something's off.

Yeah, everyone's working.

CLAY:
Oh, shitster.

It's my sister.

There she is!

My sister from another mister!

I'm kidding, our mother

didn't start having affairs

until the mid-90s.

What are you doing here?

Well, we were just going over

your fourth quarter earnings.

And I wondered

if I was missing something.

Probably.

Clay, why don't you

have a seat?

Uh, no. It's my branch,

so I prefer to stand.

Fine.

Allison, would you please

remove Clay's chair?

- Uh, sure.

- Thank you.

Sorry.

Thank you, Allison.

So we were all

a little bit disappointed

not to hit 7% growth

in this last quarter.

But 6.5% is right on industry

standard for the fall.

Mmm-mmm. You need to hit 12%.

- Twelve?

- Twelve is the new seven.

- What?

- Since when?

- (ALL MURMUR)

- Since Dad died

and the board made me CEO.

Oh. You mean interim CEO.

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