Office Christmas Party Page #3

---

Shut up. Listen, essentially,

this branch is failing.

6.5% is not failing.

Yes, it is.

We're doing

better than Orlando.

I mean, half those jack-offs

had mono last year, right?

(LAUGHING)

Well, I closed the

Orlando branch. This morning.

What?

(FARTING)

I am sorry.

Damn it.

I hate tension, and I...

I farted.

- Wow.

- You are not

selling enough servers.

You have no new ideas

and there is no new revenue.

- I have something new.

- Really?

- No, you don't.

- Yeah, I do.

- (WHISPERS) It's not ready.

- (WHISPERS) It is ready.

- It's not ready.

- It is ready.

- CAROL:
Uh, we can hear you.

- Yeah, sorry.

We can.

It's a completely silent room.

- Go ahead.

- (STAMMERS)

What's the most annoying thing

about the Internet?

- Pictures of people's kids.

- Linkedln invites.

My girlfriend's always on it.

I have a girlfriend.

The lack of Asian

male representation in porn.

Grumpy Cat.

It's like... It's Garfield.

Oh, you know that orange

with the human dick?

Oh, my God,

what is this, Shark Tank?

Can you just get

to the point, please?

- It's getting on the Internet.

- Mmm.

TRACEY:
So we can already

connect to the Internet

through standard

electrical lines

and obviously we can do it

through the air.

But what if we could combine

those technologies?

- (CHIMING)

- With Zenotek AnywAir,

you can pull

the Internet wirelessly

from anything that's connected

to a power grid.

Your appliances.

Street lights. A light bulb.

You're never out of range, and

you're never low on signal.

It's AnywAir.

(PERSON CLAPPING)

CLAY:
We're in the future.

And you can deliver that?

I'm still figuring out

some coding issues, but yes.

Well, how long

have you been figuring?

- Four years.

- Four years?

All right, well, that doesn't

sound very real to me.

Well, if it was real,

I wouldn't have to invent it.

- (CHUCKLES)

- I'm sorry,

- what's your name again?

- Tracey Hughes.

And if you forget again,

it's on all of the recent

patents for Zenotek.

Mmm-hmm.

You know what? I'm gonna sit.

Not because you told me to,

but because I

prefer it.

So...

CAROL:
Mmm-hmm.

- Is there anything else?

- MARY:
Actually, yes.

This is a sample cheeseboard

for our holiday mixer tonight.

I know it's a little heavy

on the Gouda...

That was the MVP last year.

Uh, I do have a feisty Cheddar

on the bench.

I think that pairs better with

the mulled non-alcoholic wine

myself, but what do I know?

Wait, wait. I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

You're having

a Christmas party tonight?

Oh, it's not

a Christmas party!

It's a non-denominational

holiday mixer.

More inclusive.

Well, whatever the f*** it is,

it's not happening.

Yeah, it's definitely...

Well, it's not "happenin"'

because it happens

at 5:
30 in the afternoon.

It's just a small thing

that's really important

to all of us, but

- trust me, it's gonna suck.

- (CHUCKLES)

No, it's not gonna suck,

because it's cancelled.

What?

All branch Christmas parties

are cancelled.

It's a waste of money!

Come on.

What are you guys not getting?

All right, it's cancelled.

(MOUTHS) It's not.

Clay! I mean it.

Me, too, Carol. Guys,

the holiday mixer

is cancelled.

- (MOUTHING)

- CAROL:
Yes.

Hey! It's cancelled, Clay!

The thing is not happening

at all. (MOUTHING)

CAROL:
I'm not messing

with you.

Hey! Stop doing that!

Hey, idiot,

I'm looking right at you.

I saw that! You whispered

to the farty cheese lady.

Well...

Don't make me pull rank, Clay.

It is cancelled.

(SIGHS) Fine!

Then this meeting

is cancelled! Huh?

Damn it! (BREATHING HEAVILY)

I was keeping it light

in there.

That was light, huh?

You have to give her a break,

Josh. She's hated parties

ever since she started

not getting invited to them.

Please. That party's the least

of your problems.

Is that Dad?

No, Carol, I just have

some random guy's

ashes in my office.

Got it online.

Yes. He wanted them here,

with me, at his branch.

I thought they were gonna

divide him equally.

It's not my fault

that he always liked

hanging out with me more.

I don't care.

I got this company.

Moving on.

We have a lot of

big cuts to make. Okay?

Obviously, bonuses

are cancelled.

You know,

there's a lot of people that

are relying on those bonuses.

I suppose you're still

getting your bonus, though.

Secondly, I'm laying off

40% of your staff.

(EXCLAIMS) Forty?

Forty? We have 200 employees.

That's like, 60...

- Some...

- That's 80. It's 80.

Eighty. That's, like,

80 employees.

Uh, you got to give us

a little bit of time

to turn this around.

Fine, then you have until

the end of the quarter.

- That's two days.

- Is it? Oh, well.

This is unfair.

You wanna talk unfair?

How about Dad skipping

my Harvard graduation

to go with you to the X Games?

And you weren't even

competing.

You just sponsored

some guy's wakeboard.

He got the bronze.

Which is brown gold.

(CAROL SCOFFS)

All right, so I've made a list

of my first round of layoffs.

So you might wanna get a pen

- and start writing these down.

- No. Let me see that.

- No. No.

- Give me that.

- No!

- These are my employees!

- (CAROL GRUNTS)

- Guys, are we sure about this?

Say you won't

make budget cuts.

I swear to God, Clay!

Here comes the loogie express!

- Don't you dare!

- Say, "Everybody's

- "gonna get a bonus," or else.

- You motherf***er.

Suck that back in. You suck

that back in! You mother...

- JOSH:
Clay.

- (BOTH GRUNTING)

- Oh, my God!

- (GRUNTING)

Why do you do this

to yourself?

You know I took

nine years of Krav Maga.

Carol, you know,

he's turning blue.

Yeah. Our family,

you got to tap out.

- Tap out. Tap out.

- (COUGHING)

- (PANTING)

- JOSH:
Okay.

- All right. You okay?

- (COUGHING)

Dad gave you a free pass

your entire life,

and you're not

getting one from me.

The only way you're gonna hit

your targets this year

is by cutting jobs.

- (PANTING)

- Hey, what if we landed

the Data City account?

(SCOFFS)

- Data City? Walter Davis?

- That's right.

You do know that

he's already met with HP,

Cisco and Oracle.

Yeah, but he hasn't

heard our pitch.

- No.

- (PANTING)

Josh and I have been

drilling into it for weeks.

Yeah. Months. Whole team.

And we have a meeting

- with him this afternoon.

- Yeah.

All right.

Well, I'm on a flight

to London tonight.

So if by some miracle you guys

can close Walter Davis

and his $14 million contract

by the time

I land at Heathrow,

the jobs are safe.

Done!

And you'll see,

you're gonna look so stupid.

Then we'll finally

have something in common.

Goddamn it! She's so mean!

People are saying "cuts."

What kind of cuts?

(STAMMERS)

Oh, nothing's official.

Guys, I can barely

afford my rent.

I'm sleeping in a closet.

JOSH:
Don't panic.

You can't replace

the new guy, right?

You're probably gonna go

with people that are older,

- more expensive?

- Don't overreact.

I just bought that used Lexus,

Josh. I can't give it back.

I put rims on it, man!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes