Office Christmas Party Page #4

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I have six parrots with

very expensive medical issues.

You know this.

I'm gonna have to

put one down.

- Nobody is losing their jobs!

- Yeah.

That is a Josh and Clay

Christmas promise.

Your promises are dog sh*t!

- Boy, they turned quick.

- Yeah, they sure did.

Jesus. Incest and rape?

I mean, that is dark.

That could be

a different Clay.

And Carol.

We got to land this pitch.

JOSH:
Okay, everybody knows

what we're doing?

Sure. We're just pitching to

save our company. No biggie.

And we're proving that

my sister doesn't f*** me.

- If anything, I f*** her!

- All right.

Yeah, listen, I get

the spirit of that, but...

We at Zenotek put the "client"

in client-server

model service distribution.

And this is a leave-behind.

And we have

some new innovation

that we can talk to you

about later. Later.

You got to...

You got to go with us.

Okay.

Thank you for the pitch.

Just give me a beat, and I'll

let you know my decision.

Okay. When you say "beat,"

you're talking about an hour

or a day? A full day?

Certainly before the holidays,

I'd imagine, right?

Listen, it's Christmas, so,

I'll be honest.

Your servers are good.

Dell's servers are good.

- So...

- You're gonna go with us.

- I'm gonna go with Dell.

- F***!

- Why?

- Don't.

I... I know your product.

My problem is

with your culture.

Our culture is great.

WALTER:

That's not what I hear.

Word is you're closing

branches and making layoffs.

- That's not true.

- No, that's barely true.

A mixture of

fabrication and rumour.

Look, I get it.

You got to make money.

And every quarter

you got to make more money.

And if you got to

fire some people

and cut back on some benefits

to make it happen,

that's what business

is now, right?

And as long as the board

has gotten its bonus

and the stock is

ticking up? Come on.

Sir, that's not who we are.

If you came to our offices,

you would see that.

You should come

meet our people.

Yeah, we're a family business.

TRACEY:

Everyone loves everyone.

I mean, Clay and his sister,

they're so close

it's almost inappropriate.

We would love the opportunity

to prove you wrong.

I'm sure you have wonderful

cubicles and great carpeting,

but I've done

those tours before.

I'm gonna pass.

Um...

Thank you so much.

Oh, we got that.

Oh, no, they've already put it

on my room.

And in addition

to the breakfast

my company

won't pay for anymore.

Good luck, guys.

Great. That was uplifting.

He's saying we suck.

Our big closer

was a thumb drive.

Yeah, but we don't suck.

We just need a way

to show him that.

How are we gonna do that?

We're gonna

invite him to our cancelled

wine and cheese night?

No, we should take him out

for real.

I mean, you heard him.

His company

won't even buy him breakfast.

He's an old school guy

who drinks scotch at lunch.

We should take him out

and show him a great time.

So we'll hook him up

with Don Draper,

then go out and get

a couple of steaks and an STD.

CLAY:
No, no, no.

You're both right.

We show him a great time

at our office

Christmas party tonight.

What? I didn't say that.

- It's not the worst idea.

- Right?

Of course it is.

We don't even have

an office Christmas party.

Carol said no

to all discretionary spending.

She wants to lay off 40%.

You want to double that?

My sister doesn't do anything

at 40%.

She's just

cutting off our legs

so we can't run away when she

wants to f***ing

curb-stomp our face.

This is the way

we close Walter.

We throw the best Christmas

party he's ever been to.

He loves it, he loves us,

he sees we care about people,

he falls in love

with our culture,

he wants to work with us.

This is how

we save everybody's job!

I like it, Josh. Say yes.

He's walking away,

unless you have a better idea.

(SIGHS)

That's your approval sigh.

Walter?

We have one more

pitch for you.

Do you party?

I used to.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Okay, so we have to throw

a massive party

from scratch in

five hours.

Yeah. And we got an office

full of pissed-off employees.

You guys, I got this. I have

a black belt in partying.

That's why I got kicked out

of boarding school

and two intensive care units.

Listen. Did you see this?

"It's F-ing Christmas, B's.

"Let's get mother-F-ing drunk.

- "Attendance mandatory."

- Yeah.

Lawsuit!

Mary, it's for

the greater good, okay?

Oh, Joel, would you

do me a favour?

Would you get Fred up

to Clay's office?

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- Thank you.

- Wait!

- Yup.

I don't know if it's helpful,

but regarding

the music tonight,

I happen to have a friend

who's a pretty good D.J.

Great. Bring him.

- See, we already got a D.J.

- Yep.

Um, so let me

get this straight.

Now we're having

this great party

and we're getting

our bonuses at it.

Yes, Jeremy,

because you deserve it!

Maybe you shouldn't have

promised them bonuses.

No, first rule of business:

Shoot for the moon

and you'll land on the sun.

I'd love to know

where you read that.

And let's just focus

on closing Walter.

You know, Carol burned

this place to the ground.

We are planting

the seeds of a new dawn.

Smitty? Clay Vanstone.

No, I'm not dead. That was

just a rumour,

although well-founded.

How much alcohol

can I legally buy from you?

(TYRES SCREECH)

Move out of my way.

I swear to God, I will drop

this on your back. Move!

You know what?

Merry Christmas,

you sweet motherf***er. Ah!

- You're coming, yeah, Smitty?

- Yes.

- Yes! Okay. You want this?

- No.

All right.

I'm keeping this lamb.

We need something else,

something that will

make us look cool.

Does anybody know anybody

who knows the Kanye West?

TRACEY AND JOSH:
No.

But my girlfriend

does P.R. for the Bulls.

Okay, does your girlfriend

have a friend who knows

the man that makes us

call him Yeezy?

TIM:
(CHUCKLING) Nate,

what's up, man? Did you see?

Significant others are welcome

at the party. Look at that.

Looks like we're finally

gonna meet Becca.

Yeah!

Um, oh, shoot.

Uh, except she's working late

tonight. Modelling.

Is she shooting the cover

- of Full of Sh*t magazine?

- (LAUGHS)

You know what?

She's gonna be there.

You guys!

Nate's girlfriend's coming!

NATE:
Sh*t! Match, match,

match. Match! Come on.

Okay. Um, what are we gonna do

with these after the party?

Raffle.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

For a failing branch,

we're surprisingly productive.

Yeah, I just wish Carol

could see this.

Uh, no, Clay,

that would be very bad.

Yeah, you're right.

All right,

go put on your party suits.

- Yeah.

- Tonight's gonna be

a great night.

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JOSH:
Clay, I told you,

I don't need to do

any pre-game for...

- Carol.

- Pre-game for what?

For the, uh, work session

we got tonight.

(STAMMERING)

And to complete...

We're closing

Walter Davis, you know?

It's going really,

really well.

- Hmm. (CLEARS THROAT)

- Phase one's complete.

Why don't you come on in?

I thought you were

going to London.

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