Office Christmas Party Page #5

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I was on my way

to the airport,

but I thought

I would stop by and

have a tour

of your bachelor pad.

Well, that didn't take long.

How did you know

about my divorce?

Oh, you changed your

emergency contact to "self."

And nobody single by choice

would live this close

to the freeway.

Is that robe

why your wife left you?

What do you want, Carol?

I want you to work for me

in New York.

You basically run this branch

without the credit.

I will double your salary,

you'll get job security,

and a boss who doesn't

end every memo

with a quote from Aerosmith.

I could never do that to Clay,

and I'm very happy where I am.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I don't see happy.

I see crappy.

And a rug that makes me sad.

Anyway, um...

I don't know,

just think about it.

When the branch closes,

and Clay has a trust fund

to fall back on,

what are you gonna have?

Not much.

- Merry Christmas!

- (DOOR CLOSES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Thank you.

- You got it.

Hey, man. Good to see you. Hi.

Eight years

- I've been working here.

- Turn around.

What are you hoping to find

anyway, Carla?

What's your dream contraband?

I just like making you

my b*tch.

- You can go.

- (SCOFFS) Thank you.

- CARLA:
Josh.

- Wow! You look like

Cinderella,

if she joined the TSA.

(CHUCKLES)

Very, very nice. Okay,

take a look at this, please.

Ooh, who's Mr December?

This is Walter Davis,

he's a VIP.

I want you to do me a favour

and let me know the second

he comes in. Can you do that?

You will hear

the sound of heavy flirting.

Or just a text.

That'd be great.

And are you

gonna join us later?

No, I doubt it. I have to

protect the front lines,

make sure

no crazy stuff happens.

But if it does...

(EXCLAIMS) I'm ready.

And you went with the yellow.

Smart.

Right? (CHUCKLES)

JOSH:
Hey.

- How's everyone doing tonight?

- Great.

- It's my birthday.

- Ah.

Really committing.

That's nice.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Hey, look at that!

- Hi.

- Hey, there, Susan.

- Nice reindeer, right?

- How you doin'?

Throw that in coat check

for me please.

Thank you. You look great. Oh.

- Hey, Josh.

- Hey, Dean.

You... You thought you'd bring

the kid, huh?

Yeah. We couldn't get anyone

to watch him.

But don't worry,

he has an iPad.

We could axe murder each other

and he wouldn't even notice.

He'll just sit there with

that dumb look on his face.

Yeah, that's the one.

Okay. Well, can you stick him

in my office for me?

- If you're cool with that.

- Sure. Well, not cool, but...

- Have a good time.

- Thank you.

All right.

Let's drop him quick,

because these edibles

are gonna kick in any second.

- (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey, Mr Parker.

- Hey, Rodney.

- Want a Zeno Punch?

- No.

- Foam finger?

- Uh-uh, neither.

And, you know,

we can skip this, too.

- Good spirit, though. Yep.

- Okay.

Could I have a beer, please?

Pretty great, huh, Jeremy?

Yeah, it's so weird, I feel

like I'm still at the office.

Yeah. Oh. Thank you.

(MARY EXCLAIMING)

(BLOWER WHIRRING)

(CLAY SUCKING TEETH)

(CLAY GURGLING)

(SPITS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

God,

I know I haven't asked You

for much in this life.

Granted, I was born rich.

And white.

And male. And straight.

Except for that one time.

But that's Las Vegas.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

But tonight I need You

to bless this party.

This party has to rock.

So we can get

Walter's contract,

so that everyone

can keep their jobs,

especially Allison.

I mean, she is losing it!

And she has

all my personal information.

And so that we can prove

my sister wrong.

Show her

that I am a good boss.

And will You say hi

to our dad?

And tell him

we really miss him.

(SNIFFLES)

And that I'm rocking

his Santa suit.

(SNIFFLES) Oh, and tell Prince

and David Bowie

how much they meant

to everybody.

I mean,

Labyrinth, Purple Rain...

They know.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

All right,

let's light

this f***ing candle.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas, Zenotek!

It's me, Santa Claus!

I'ma comin' to town

for an epic night. Yay!

Santa!

(SCATTERED CHEERS)

That's okay, we'll get there.

Watch this, Greg.

(GRUNTING)

Dean!

Clear. I'm coming around.

Oh, sh*t.

- (CROWD GASPS)

- (LAUGHING)

Oh, God.

CLAY:
It's okay!

It's okay!

That was part of it.

JOSH:
Okay, Santa,

what an entrance!

Oh! Right down

the chimney, folks!

Merry Christmas, b*tches!

Santa can't be hurt.

You doing okay? You all right?

- That really did hurt, yeah...

- Are you sure?

But you know what,

I had this for padding.

Holy sh*t.

What the f*** is that?

Tell me that's not

for something illegal.

No, no, no.

Don't worry, this is all mine.

I rented one of

those Money Tornados.

So for the bonuses later,

I'm gonna make it rain

like a hurricane.

Are you sure you're not

getting carried away?

This seems like a lot of money

you're spending.

Josh, this is Christmas, okay?

And if anybody knows how to

work within a budget, it's me.

All right? And speaking of.

There you go. Hi.

- Cool.

- Little Jesus.

- Did you rent a live baby?

- Yeah, for the nativity scene.

What? It's cheaper

than you think, okay?

Is it?

- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

- (MAN SHOUTS)

Oh, sh*t! DJ Calvis

in the house tonight!

Oh, God, no.

(JOEL CONTINUES YELLING)

Add my Snapchat:
DJ Calvis.

Joel's friend looks

just like Joel.

Ooh! Looks like some babies

getting made tonight!

I'm not looking

to get pregnant tonight.

Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Joel,

that's a red card for you.

Um, babies are not

getting made tonight,

not here on company property.

If you're going

to have intercourse,

please go beyond

the flood lamps

at the perimeter of the plaza

and into

the Rite Aid parking lot.

That's right.

'Cause we f***ing tonight!

- Joel. Language.

- (INDISTINCT)

This is still an office, and

even though it's dark outside,

the rules don't turn off.

The rules may not turn off,

but your inhibitions can!

I'm talking about take

your pee-pees out

and put 'em in some booties!

(SCATS)

And remember that tonight

the decisions you make

will have consequences

that will haunt you

for the rest of

your professional lives.

And, um...

And so have fun.

Yeah, Mary,

way to psyche everybody up!

Main takeaway:

If you're gonna f***,

do it in the parking lot.

- Turn it up!

- (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(CHUCKLES)

- (CHUCKLES) Hey.

- Hey! Someone cleans up nice.

Oh...

Yeah, I... I'm wearing the

same clothes, from earlier.

Oh, yeah. I was just making

a party joke.

I didn't want to go

all the way home

and then come back, so I just

sat in my car and worked.

Oh, also I was waiting for

my phone to charge.

Oh. So you're all charged up!

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS HUMOURLESSLY)

What?

I said you're all charged up.

Yeah, my phone.

Hey, the music is really loud.

Do you want to go

somewhere and talk?

- Uh, yeah.

- Okay.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

This is Zenotek.

Oh, sh*t!

That's Jimmy Butler

right there!

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