Office Christmas Party Page #6

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Who's Jimmy Butler?

Two-time All-Star. Best player

on my fantasy team.

F*** you, Butler! (GASPS)

I don't know why I said that.

Oh, f***.

These are great.

You know what?

Why don't you

give me your number

and I'll text these to you.

Excuse me. Hey. Hi.

- Jimmy, hey, this is Josh.

- Hey. How you doing?

So you the big man

around here, huh?

I'm not that big, no.

I'm feeling small right now.

Look at this. Good for you.

Here's the big man!

Jimmy Buckets. Clay Vanstone.

Thanks for coming

to our Christmas party, man.

Of course.

I've been trying to expand

the Jimmy Butler empire

into the tech space.

I'm thinking

Jimmy Butler dating app.

- Maybe Butlerbook?

- I like it.

- Jimmyface?

- These are all good ideas.

Do you want to see the first

processor that we ever made?

It's as big as a mini-fridge

and it used to set fires.

It's upstairs with

the good tequila.

- Of course.

- Casamigos.

(WHISPERS)

I'll save some for you.

Geek yourself out!

He's really into technology.

Will you remind me,

how do you know

Jimmy Butler again?

Remember, I told you my friend

does P.R. for the Bulls?

- Yes! Yeah.

- Right.

I thought that bringing

a famous basketball player

would help with Walter.

- Ah.

- You're cool with that, right?

Why wouldn't I be cool?

It's the greatest idea

in the world.

Of course I'm cool.

- Very cool. Please.

- Okay.

Yeah. Mr Cool.

I graduated valedictorian

from Cool University!

Good old C.U.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.

"C.U." later!

Oh, Josh.

(TYRES SQUEALING IN DISTANCE)

(CHIMES)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Savannah?

I think you mean Becca, right?

(CHUCKLES) Uh...

I'm gonna be honest,

I've never done this before.

Although my mum

and I have watched

Pretty Woman, like,

a million times.

Oh, I love that movie!

It's why I'm doing this.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.

It feels kind of dirty.

(CHUCKLES)

You feel dirty?

You're my third client

tonight. It's only 9:00 PM.

Oh, really?

So, um, you just have

to pay my manager,

and then we're, like, good.

Oh, yeah, um...

Got it right here.

Hi. Nate.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

- Nate?

- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Trina. (CHUCKLES)

I don't do handshakes,

I do hugs. Get in here!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, my gosh,

you guys are gonna have

so much fun tonight.

I can feel it.

- You're already a couple.

- Hope so.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Already.

- Is this for me?

- Um, yes, ma'am.

Oh, my gosh. Look at him.

Prepared. I love that.

I'm not even gonna count it.

- You know why?

- Mmm-mmm.

- 'Cause we're friends, right?

- Yeah.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah,

we're not f***ing friends.

Oh, my God.

So if you're thinking

of f***ing with me,

or with my girl,

don't. Because I'm hella

stressed out right now.

This week has been

a scheduling nightmare!

My iCal crashed,

and now all my appointments

are set in 2019.

And in Hebrew.

It's a flawed program. I've

been saying this for years.

- Shut up.

- (WHIMPERS)

My point is,

if one more person

pisses me off... One more...

I don't know

what's gonna happen.

(NATE WHIMPERS)

I don't know

what I'm gonna do.

- We're clear?

- (SNIFFLES)

Okay, so now, um,

just have a good time.

If you use handcuffs,

have a spare key, okay?

Jesus, we do not want to go

through Thanksgiving again.

Um, hey, if you need me

in the next hour,

I'll be at Whole Foods.

Okay.

Alexei, open my f***ing door!

Come on.

Let's go meet your friends.

I can close it myself!

I'm a woman in 2016. Jesus.

(CHEERY MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Clay, incoming.

I just got a text from Carla.

Walter's on his way up.

This is it.

Okay, okay.

So we need an employee

to sit on my lap

right when he comes up.

A cheerful one.

Definitely not Jeremy.

Uh, sure, great plan.

Great. Good, good. Here.

You try and get this on.

JOSH:
Hey, Walter!

- Welcome to Zenotek.

- How are you?

I'm so glad you came.

Good to see you.

Can I take your coat?

- No, no, I'm good, actually.

- You sure? Okay.

All right. Walt, what would

you like to get started with?

You know,

we got a photo booth.

It's like getting your

picture taken in a tiny house.

We love it.

Oh, uh, Jimmy Butler is here!

Jimmy Butler from the Bulls

is here.

What? Come on! Where is he?

Do you want to take a selfie

with him? Everyone's doin' it.

You know,

I'm a Cavs fan, actually.

- Oh.

- There's a good team.

- This was a mistake.

- Hang on. Hang on.

No, no, no. Come on.

Now, a mistake would be

to miss the salmon station.

Do you like salmon? Huh?

You want to swim upstream with

me and go try some salmon?

What does that even mean?

You know what? Let's start

with a drink. Come on.

Yeah. Are you thirsty? Clay,

you want a drink with Walter?

One vibrator, please.

- Okay. Here you go.

- (EXCLAIMS)

- It's really a body massager.

- No, it's a vibrator.

- (TRACEY TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

- Hey, Josh!

Oh, hey, Jeremy.

This is Jeremy,

our customer service manager.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Mary just f***ing cited me!

Okay?

I thought this was a party.

If I want to dick tap Alan,

I'm gonna dick tap Alan.

That's a timeless gag!

- Never not funny!

- Okay, off you go.

She is like a poisonous

f***ing cloud of sh*t gas,

like, just seeping into

everybody's good time.

Every word she says makes

my f***ing haemorrhoids throb!

- I want that on the record.

- It is.

He's in customer service?

Yeah, he's much better

on the phone.

That's really where he shines.

Here we go.

Hey, can we get a scotch?

Um, Macallan, right?

Uh, no, dude.

It's the eggnog luge.

Oh. Just the eggnog.

Okay. Great. Well...

Uh, looks like fun.

Ladies first.

- Josh, I insist. After you.

- Well, I'm not much on eggnog.

TRACEY:
Don't listen

to this guy. He's Mr Fun.

He'll do anything for

the party. So, come on!

Hey, everybody!

Josh is gonna do the luge!

No, no. I don't think so.

It's not for me.

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

It looks like

they want you to do it.

Should I do it? I'll do it.

I'll do it, I'll do it.

Okay, let's do it.

This the luge right here?

Here we go.

Here we go... Here we go...

(ALL CHEERING)

JOSH:
Mmm-hmm.

Mmm.

Oh, God.

(LAUGHING)

Whoo! Okay, Walter, your turn.

Where'd Walter go?

I totally got you

deep throating him.

Oh, well, look at that.

That's beautiful.

Where'd Walter go, huh?

Clay, did you see Walter?

I don't know about

that whole throne thing.

I mean,

nobody liked the gifts,

everybody was complaining

and the lap-sitting got weird.

Oh, no.

CLAY:
What's happening?

JOSH:

Well, it's just not working.

If you took away

everybody's drinks

and turned up the lights,

it just looks like we're

at work. You know what I mean?

We need to get amped up.

We need to

get them interacting.

You guys should do what you

did at the party last year.

No. Not doing that. Come on.

No, that was lame.

No, no, it was f***ing

awesome! People loved it!

It wasn't. And they didn't.

Do it for the company.

All right?

I'm gonna go give Walter

party mouth-to-mouth.

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