Office Christmas Party Page #7

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Is he crying?

I wanted to give you

this pamphlet

which has

a lot of good information

about the signs and symptoms

of sadness.

When I'm sad,

I like to remember something

my grandma used to sing.

(SINGING IN GERMAN)

It's about ducklings.

(CONTINUES SINGING IN GERMAN)

Mary, you wore a blue coat,

right?

- No, I wore my beige poof.

- Oh, that's it.

It's probably not a big deal,

but I saw Meghan rifling

through all the pockets.

No, no, no, no.

My Bath & Body Works coupons!

Walter.

Clay Vanstone, remember?

- Hey.

- How are you?

- I want to show you Zenotek.

- Ah. Yes.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

You're a very

expressive dancer.

Oh, thanks.

Let me know if you want me

to dance, like,

sexy or something, you know?

- Yeah. No, we're good.

- Okay.

Uh, hey, there's actually some

guys I want you to meet.

SAVANNAH:
Okay, great.

Let's just work out the money

thing first, though, yeah?

Uh, I already gave Trina $200.

Oh, yeah, that's just

for the first hour.

If you want me

for the rest of the night,

it's gonna be another $2,000.

- Two grand? No. No way.

- Yeah.

(STAMMERING)

The website clearly said

it was $200

for the whole night.

Do I look like

I'm $200 a night?

Okay, fine.

I'll go to an ATM, okay?

Okay. Give me your watch

as collateral.

It's my grandmother's.

I don't care.

Sh*t.

Holy sh*t.

(EXHALES) That was

just how daddy likes it.

Mmm-hmm.

Check it out.

- You're a fireman.

- (BOTH LAUGH)

Must be really nice to have

a day care centre at work.

Yeah, yeah. Clay set this up

when I was pregnant.

I think he just

wanted an excuse

to have Play-Doh

in the office.

- Shall we?

- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

- You are such a good mum.

- Aw.

Thanks.

I, uh, bet you'd make me

finish all my homework

before I could

go outside and play.

Yeah, especially

if you were being naughty.

Do I need to be punished?

Well, I guess that depends

on your homework.

I bet you'd make me

brush my teeth

so I don't get any cavities.

Oh, we're still doing this.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

I've been a bad boy, Mummy.

Okay, um, do you have

some kind of weird fetish?

What? No!

No, I'm so sorry,

I didn't mean to give you

that impression.

- I just got carried away.

- Oh.

I just really like you.

Yeah. I really like you, too.

(BOTH MOANING)

Something's happening

in my diaper.

- Okay. F*** this. I got to go.

- Huh?

- This is my nightmare.

- What?

- So, yes, I'm in hell.

- No, uh...

- So I'm gonna go.

- Mummy!

I mean, Allison. Don't leave.

Save that sh*t for the fourth

date like a normal person!

Sorry.

(MUTTERING)

All right, Nate, this is what

you've been saving for.

Who designed this?

- Come on!

- (CASH MACHINE BEEPING)

Sh*t! F*** me!

(MUTTERING)

Yes.

- (TYRES SCREECH)

- (NATE YELLS)

(HORN BLARES)

(NATE PANTING)

I'm okay! Merry Christmas!

(SIGHS) Okay. You ready?

Okay, you look ridiculous.

Is it the hat?

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Who's happy

about the holidays?

Okay. Okay. (LAUGHS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hey, so, um, you d*ckheads

want to buy some cocaine?

(STAMMERS)

Yeah! We'll do that.

One cocaine.

Want to do it with us?

(CHEERING)

(COUGHING)

Yeah! Yeah!

(BOTH SCATTING)

I believe in taking risks,

Walter.

Zenotek, my company,

believes in taking risks.

You know what

we should do tonight?

We should do something

that scares us.

Makes us feel alive!

Do you think you could

swing across the dance floor

with those lights?

What's that?

Like, if you grabbed

every single strand,

do you think that

you could swing

and then time it just right

and grab all of those strands,

then, like Tarzan, make it

all the way to my office?

Merry f***ing Christmas.

You know what?

This has been really great,

and I thank you, but,

- it's time to hit the road.

- (GLASSES CLINK)

Oh. Um, you can't leave yet,

'cause we're just

getting started!

(SNOW MACHINE HISSING)

Hey! You got snow machined.

That's meant to be lucky.

It tastes bitter.

It's just paper products.

Let's get you cleaned up.

Great, great.

So I guess we'll just take two

and call you

in the morning, then?

- Is that, uh...

- Yeah, don't call me.

TIM:
You on Snapchat?

DREW:
We'll be up here if you

want to come back up here.

(PANTING) I need some air.

Oh, also I have

your Secret Santa.

Oh. Okay.

What are you doing?

Pissing off Mary.

# GreatestPartyEver. #OpenBar.

How do you spell "Hanukkah"?

Wait, who are you

sending that to?

Oh, you know,

everyone in Chicago.

(GIGGLES)

TRACEY:
You've never

been up here?

JOSH:
No.

TRACEY:
This is where

I usually am

during the sexual harassment

seminars.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's colder up here

for sure.

And it's, uh...

Oh, man, it's higher.

Maybe let's go...

Let's go lower.

And warmer. Come on.

- Uh-oh.

- No. No, it never locks.

Wait, no. It never locks!

I bet you're also

never up here

- at night, right?

- No.

It's all right,

I came prepared.

So did I.

Your Secret Santa.

That's a lot better

than where I'm keeping mine.

(LAUGHS)

Excuse me. Mr Vanstone?

- Have you seen this?

- Hi. I'm Rodney.

(STAMMERING) We haven't met

yet. I'm an intern here.

I just wanted to say

Merry Christmas.

- Yes, you can have a job.

- Are you serious?

Yeah, party hire.

Junior associate. Congrats.

Oh, my God.

Mr Vanstone, thank you!

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much.

- Oh, my God. Yes?

- Hey, Rodney!

We're gonna get you

a new name.

Done! I'll call my parents.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey. You okay?

Ha! I was down.

I was having a bad day.

But now I'm lifting.

I'm seeing things. My mind.

The ideas are flying

through my mind!

- I'm feeling strong.

- Okay, good.

- High five. Ha!

- Sure.

Ha-ha!

You can't keep Walter Davis

down forever, baby!

(BOTH CHEERING)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Let's go get f***ed up.

Okay, but not too much.

When I drink,

a lot of bad things happen.

You know, my sister's horse

goes missing.

My car is covered

in horse hair and blood.

Fingers get pointed.

Smoke PCP as a favour.

Beach burns down.

That ain't never been

my problem.

Come on! Let's go get a drink!

Yeah!

- (ALL CHEERING)

- Oh, sh*t!

(YELLING)

(WALTER YELLING)

(YELLING)

(ALL CHEERING)

WEATHERMAN:
We're expecting

blizzard conditions

for 12 to 24 hours...

Just get me on a plane.

Get me on any goddamn plane,

all right?

I have enough miles

to orbit the sun.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

All flights are grounded

until the snow clears.

There's nothing more I can do.

Well, refer me to someone

who can do something.

That would be God, ma'am.

Oh, Her.

Have a great holiday.

Sh*t.

Did you eat my Cinnabon?

No.

Where's your mother?

Bathroom.

- What's your name, sweetie?

- Darcy.

Oh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hi, Santa.

Yes, Carol Vanstone.

I'm here with Darcy.

I know. Terrible name.

And she's being

a little sh*t here

in the first class lounge.

So I think we should cancel

all of her Christmas presents

this year.

Yeah. And while she's asleep,

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