Office Christmas Party Page #8

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why don't you take

that doll, too.

Great. Bye.

MAN ON PA:
May I have

your attention, please.

Due to inclement weather, all

flights have been cancelled.

Sh*t!

- (PASSENGERS MUTTERING)

- (CAROL GROANS)

(WHISPERS) F*** you!

(CROWD CHEERING)

CLAY:
Zenotek, you having

a good time now?

You ready to kick

this up a notch, huh?

(ALL CHEERING)

Hit me with the horns, Calvis!

Old school.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

Make some noise!

Yeah!

- (UPBEAT HIP-HOP PLAYING)

- (ALL CHEERING)

(VOCALIZING)

(RAPPING) # Here we go now!

Is this not

the best f***ing party

y'all been to? Come on down!

# Here we go now!

Here we go now!

# Here we go, here we go!

Let me clear my throat

Yeah, get on up here.

Give it up for Walter!

My main man, Walter!

(MIMICS CLEARING THROAT)

ALL:
Goddamn!

Get on up here, Mary!

Give me the mike. No, no, no.

Give me the mike.

- Give it up for Mary!

- No, no.

- Mary, everybody, yeah!

- (CHEERING)

You got to stop.

(RAPPING)

# When I say H, you say R

- # H.R.! H.R.!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

# When I say H, you say R

- # H.R.! H.R.!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

# And when she says H, you say R

- # H.R.! H.R.!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

Yeah! (EXCLAIMS)

(CLAY MIMICS CLEARING THROAT)

(RAPPING) # If y'all want

to party like we do

# If y'all want to party like us

# Let me hear you say,

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

(CROWD RESPONDING)

# If y'all want

to party like we do

# If y'all want to party like us

# Let me hear you say,

"Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!"

(VOCALIZING)

Okay, that's part of it. Yeah!

She's what makes

this company great,

just like every motherf***er

in here!

(ALL CHEERING)

# When I say freeze,

y'all freeze one time

# Freeze!

# Now let me clear my throat

# Special dedication going out

to all the ladies

# And all the brothers in here!

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(ALL CHEERING)

TRACEY:
This is fun, right?

JOSH:
This has turned

from charming

into life-threatening.

I cannot believe that

they are still not responding.

At least my death

will give my parents

something to talk about

at the meal I'm gonna miss.

- Going to your parents' place?

- Every year.

This is where not having

any family actually pays off.

I get the whole city

to myself.

It's like some kind of

awesome plague came in

and spared only me

and the Chinese restaurants.

This is useless.

- You gonna be solo, huh?

- (CHUCKLES)

There's not gonna be

a stocking on your mantel

for Jimmy Butler

at your place?

- What are you doing?

- Nothing?

Just asking. You know?

You could have dated me, Josh.

But you freaked out

and ran away.

I still had PTSD from

my marriage just ending, so...

(SCOFFS)

You'd been separated

for a year.

- I f***ed up.

- Yeah.

Because you're an idiot.

I'm sorry.

I have been feeling

shitty about it.

We should've done this

a long time ago.

- Yeah.

- Right?

(JEREMY LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

- Hey, Jeremy.

- Huh?

Hey!

- Hey, man.

- What's up, guys?

Wow. Good thing I wasn't

going number two, huh?

Yeah. Leave you to it.

- This is my territory!

- JOSH:
Got it. That's clear.

(BARKING)

CLAY:
They can't shut us down!

We're never gonna

get shut down!

(RAPPING)

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- # Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- # Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

(CLAY CONTINUES RAPPING)

It's a Christmas miracle.

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- # Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek!

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

# When I say Zeno, you say Tek

- # Zeno-Tek! Zeno-Tek! #

- (CROWD RESPONDING)

I love this party!

I love this company!

And I want to work

with you people!

(ALL CHEERING)

What did he just say?

Did Clay just close Walter?

Huh, he really is Santa Claus.

- Yeah!

- (CROWD CHEERING)

So, Carol. You know,

- that's my grandmother's name.

- Mmm.

- No, I did not know that.

- Yeah.

Oh.

It's kind of an old-timey

name. Don't really hear

Carol much anymore.

It's like... (IMITATING

ELDERLY WOMAN) "Hi, I'm Carol.

"I gotta get home

before I miss my stories."

"Hi, I'm Carol. I heard about

Pearl Harbor on the radio."

"Hi, I'm Carol. I died

in the beginning of Up."

(CHUCKLES) That movie?

Sorry, I'm just nervous.

My first night on the job.

On the ol' J.O.B.

- It's your first night?

- Yeah.

Driving?

First night driving

the ol' Ubes.

(CAROL SIGHS)

It's a pretty sweet gig,

though. Make my own hours.

You know, I could hook you up

if you want to be

an Uber driver.

I'm good. I already have

a job. Thank you very much.

Yeah, but you could be CEO

of your own car!

I am a CEO.

Of Uber?

Oh, my God.

Is this Undercover Boss?

Is that a camera?

Am I on ca...

Are you wearing a disguise?

No.

This is not Undercover Boss.

I am not the CEO of Uber.

I am the CEO of Zenotek.

Please just drive.

(STUTTERS) No sh*t.

I just dropped off,

like, four people

at that party tonight.

I'm sorry?

They gave me three stars

like a bunch of b*tches.

Excuse me.

What did you just say?

- I said they were b*tches.

- No, no. What party?

The party at your office.

Everybody's like, "Oooh."

- You son of a b*tch, Clay.

- Yeah, bunch of b*tches!

(STAMMERS) Can you just...

- Can you move? Move!

- (HORNS HONKING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

The English band,

the Optic Monkeys?

You were supposed to see them

with your friend Lindsey,

you were like, "I can't go,"

because you couldn't get

a babysitter?

Did you hack into my emails?

Get the f*** out of here.

And never use

that British accent again.

Allison, are you okay?

No! I'm not okay.

My ex-husband

is dating a stripper,

Drew is cyberstalking me,

and Fred from accounting

is like a human f***ing

AMBER Alert.

Don't I deserve to date

someone who is nice?

Of course you do.

Allison,

you're an amazing person.

You basically take care

of this whole office.

And you do it every day,

even though most people

don't seem to notice.

- (SIGHING)

- So, yeah,

you deserve someone nice.

Baby,

I got your text.

Ooh, I missed you.

Come on, let's dance.

Just hang in there.

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Go, Rodney! Go, Rodney!

(ALL CHEERING)

(YELLING)

Nate!

Hey, man.

Larry from shipping here

actually has

a really great story

that he wants to tell you.

I was in the bathroom

washing my face,

and this girl came in, like,

"I'll give you a handy

for $40."

And the next thing I knew,

my penis was in her hand

and then she starts...

Okay, Larry, I know

how a hand job works.

I had no idea

you guys were together.

Wait, what are you

talking about?

So Becca gave Larry a hand job

in the men's room.

Goddamn it!

WOMAN:
Ooh, ooh!

I'm going next.

I'm inspired! I'm going next.

- No, I called it. I called it.

- No, no, wait.

- I'm so happy for you!

- MAN:
Oh, sh*t.

I was about to do my balls!

Hey! What about

the 3D printer?

- Yes. Yes!

- Yeah?

I'm going first,

I'm going first!

(WOMEN SHRIEKING)

(WOMEN CHEERING)

(CAROL GASPS)

(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

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