Office Christmas Party Page #9

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Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me.

(BELL RINGING)

CLAY:
Raise your hands if

you're keeping your jobs!

Raise your hands if you're

gonna get a bonus!

CAROL:
Excuse me.

Clay?

Clay!

Oh, f***.

Hey, sis.

Hey, hey, hey.

Carol, before you get mad,

listen to what I did.

I said no party!

That's all I said.

All you had to do was nothing,

and you couldn't even do that!

Couldn't even do that!

Carol, Carol, Carol!

This is not

what you think, okay?

This is all for a reason.

(CLAMOURING)

Listen. We threw this party

for Walter Davis,

and we closed him, he wants

to give us his business.

- We did it.

- CLAY:
See?

I'm not a failure. I'm a good

boss. The party worked!

- Walter Davis?

- Yeah.

- Is at this party?

- JOSH:
That's right.

Where is he?

I don't know. Where was he?

He was just on the stage.

Oh... Guys? Guys!

That's not good.

(WALTER GROANING)

Here we go!

CROWD:
(CHANTING)

Do it! Do it! Do it!

No, no, no. Shh!

- What are you doing?

- Hey, that was my idea.

- Not relevant.

- Walter? Hey, buddy!

Why don't you come down

using the stairs?

No. Clay, it's like you said!

I want to do something

that scares me. To feel

alive!

Maybe not right now.

What did you guys do to him?

Let go of those lines, buddy!

I'm the king of I.T. buyers!

Whoo!

(CROWD GASPS)

- Oh!

- CAROL:
Sh*t!

Oh!

Oh, God.

(CLICKS TONGUE) So close.

(GROANING)

Hey, Walter.

You were like

an eagle up there.

You were free. You did it.

Did we win?

Yeah, we won.

WALTER:
(MUFFLED)

Zenotek! Zenotek!

That poor guy.

What a day he's had.

First he gets fired

and now this.

- Wait, what?

- Did you say fired?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, he got fired at the close

of business today.

He told me, like,

two hours ago.

They shipped

his whole branch overseas.

What?

I confirmed it with

my H.R. Facebook group.

And they know everything.

Excuse me. Just to clarify,

because I'm detail-oriented.

So you didn't get a contract

with Walter Davis

because he didn't have

a contract to give.

Carol, before you get mad,

here's the thing...

He wanted to work with us.

- So...

- Clay. Clay!

Yeah?

I'm not mad.

You're not?

I mean, I was mad when Dad

gave you this branch

just as a reward

for taking six years

to graduate with

a degree in... What is it?

Canadian television theory

with concentration in Drake.

CAROL:
But this

doesn't make me mad.

- I feel relieved.

- All right.

- Because it's over.

- (CHUCKLES)

- I'm shutting you down.

- Yeah, no, because it's late.

Allison got a clean-up crew

- for tomorrow.

- CAROL:
Uh-huh.

No, Clay.

I'm terminating this branch.

I'm such a d*ckhead.

I started to like this place,

and then I get f***ed.

I get f***ed!

No, no, no. Stop it, stop it.

Carol, let's take one beat.

Look, look, Carol. Carol.

I f***ed up, okay,

so blame me.

But these are good people.

You can't close this branch.

This is Dad's branch.

Well, you know what?

He shouldn't have

given it to you to f*** up.

Oh, and, uh, good luck

trying to be Mr Fun Guy

when you have to fire

all these people.

WOMAN:
Whoo!

I'll see you in New York.

Wait, what?

Did your little friend

not tell you?

He's coming to work for me.

Yeah, right.

I never said yes to that job.

I don't recall you

ever saying no.

Clay.

Clay, I never sa... Hey.

Clay.

Oh, hey, Clay... You told me

you had a two-drink limit.

Yeah. You're right.

Now, y'all didn't forget

about DJ Calvis!

- (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

- Whoo!

(ALL CHEERING)

WALTER:
(MUFFLED) I want

to go back to the party!

Whoo!

Hey! What the hell?

I hired you to pretend

to be my girlfriend,

then you go and give all

my co-workers hand jobs?

You hired me

to impress your co-workers,

and he was pretty impressed.

- Listen, I want my money back.

- Well...

I'm sorry, what was that?

I couldn't hear you

over my gun.

- I, um, I want my money back.

- Oh.

I'm sorry. Customer services

are not available right now,

but perhaps

I can address your grievance.

(STAMMERS NERVOUSLY)

Um, everything's fine.

Would you say like

a five on Yelp,

or like positive three?

Five.

Five? Alexei!

NATE:
Uh...

This is so funny.

Do that thing where you pull

his a**hole through his face.

Don't please. Sh*t!

Santa's gonna get

f***ed up tonight!

(YELLS)

Who wants to party with Santa?

Who the f*** is that?

SAVANNAH:
You know what,

that guy is really rich.

And he's really stupid.

Well, then what are we doing

with Spelling Bee here?

Get outta here. Go!

Hey, Santa! Wanna party?

Yeah.

Tracey! Tracey! Hey.

Tracey!

WOMAN:
Hey!

Tracey?

Tracey, are you in here?

Oh, pardon me.

Hello?

Oh.

Josh, it's happening.

(EXCLAIMS)

Good for you.

Hey, Tracey,

which one are you in?

Hi. Carol offered me a job,

but in no way did I say...

Josh. I get it.

She offered me a job, too.

- What? She offered you a job?

- Yeah.

Triple the salary.

An apartment

overlooking Central Park.

I got double and moving costs.

(SCOFFS) The real difference

is I said no.

Listen, I'm not fighting

with you about this.

It's silly.

I didn't take the job.

Yeah. But you didn't

not take it, either.

Because you need a safety net.

Hey, that's who you are.

I'm happy for you.

You should go to New York.

Is that what you want?

You want me to go to New York?

There's a real

human centipede situation

happening in the men's room.

Tracey, please. Don't go.

Whoa, this is almost the whole

marketing department in here.

- Can I get a drink?

- ALAN:
Josh, Josh.

Josh, where's Clay?

Asswipe loses everybody

their jobs and runs.

How much did he spend

on this party?

He could have just given

that money to us.

Clay sucks.

We should just kill him,

like on that podcast.

Put the Red Bull down.

Respectfully, f*** you guys!

Sorry,

that was too much, but...

Clay cares more

about people

than anyone I've ever met.

He was gonna pay

your bonuses tonight

with the last of his money.

What?

Yeah, he's broke.

Clay is broke.

Who do you think paid

for that bouncy house

in accounting?

Training that dog

to deliver the mail?

The zip-line?

Doughnut Fridays?

It was all Clay!

He spent all of his money

trying to keep

this branch afloat.

And whenever I questioned him

about it, he would say,

"Treat your employees

like they're your family

"and they'll do great things

for you."

You guys,

Clay just left to get drugs

with Becca and her pimp.

Wait... Who's Becca?

- Nate's whore.

- Hey, that's his girlfriend!

Nope, she's right.

Becca's a prostitute.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, nice.

Oh. Nope.

Clay left to go get drugs

with a pimp?

Yes. She has a gun

and a serious mood imbalance.

F***. Carol!

We have a problem.

Yeah, you have

lots of problems. Good luck.

Carol, excuse me.

Carol! Listen.

Clay has gone to get wasted

with a psychopath,

and he's got $300,000

strapped to his chest.

Ooh, that really does sound

like a big problem...

For Clay.

You already lost your dad.

If you lose Clay,

you'll have no one.

Trust me, that's not a place

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