Office Christmas Party Page #10

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you want to be.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

- I don't care.

- TRACEY:
What?

- Oh, boy. This woman...

- What is wrong with her?

Really?

Guys! I don't know

what to do.

Clay's not picking up

his phone.

I think I can locate him.

This is so amazing

to me, guys.

We can actually

connect with, you know.

Yeah. Yeah. There we go.

- Amazing.

- Absolutely.

They're full of sh*t, okay?

They're not your soulmates.

They just hacked

your Facebook.

- That's horseshit!

- Unbelievable. So uncool.

- Hey, wait!

- No, no, no, girls!

WENDY:
I knew you didn't like

the Gilmore Girls.

Okay, I'm gonna need

both of you assclowns

to hack into Clay's phone

so we can find him.

(SCOFFS) Come on, why would

we help you, dude, seriously?

Yeah, why would

we help you?

Because I'm your f***ing boss,

and I'm telling you to.

- He can't touch him!

- I'll allow it.

Ooh, there's a car on fire.

Did the Bears win?

What are you looking at?

(CHEERS AND LAUGHTER)

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, if everybody's fired,

let's burn this place

to the ground, baby!

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey! Hey, what department

are you in?

I don't work here.

Let's do this, baby!

Who's with me?

- F***.

- (GLASS SHATTERS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

If I tell y'all

one more time to back up,

it's gonna be a problem.

I'm not playing with y'all!

Carla! Carla!

I need you to go upstairs

and lock this sh*t down.

We gotta go help Clay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

f*** that!

The security guard was the

first one to go in Die Hard.

Carla, this is the one

you knew would come.

Be our John McClane.

I'm on it.

Hey.

In case it gets dark.

Who wants to get tased?

Okay, where's your car?

I took a cab. I thought

we were gonna take your car.

No, I took the El.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Let's go get our Santa.

- Great!

- Oh.

Come on! No, don't.

It's a lift and pull.

You're jerking it!

Jesus Christ, let me do it.

- I'm pulling out.

- Oh!

All right. Yeah, it's...

It's locked.

Thanks.

- Get in. Come on.

- (JOSH GRUNTING)

What'd you get

all over your seats?

Oh, no, it's from the parrots.

Relax, it's not poop.

It's some...

It's genital secretions.

It's mating season.

- Oh.

- Should be dry.

Okay. Nate says

Clay's on the South Side.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

He is not gonna

f*** this up for me.

The board will vote me CEO.

That is happening.

So let's just do this, okay?

- Can this thing handle snow?

- Oh, please. It's a Kia.

It's what God would drive.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(HORNS HONKING)

(SNORTING)

Oh!

Guys, you know, the thing is,

I told everybody

they were gonna be okay,

but then they weren't.

And so, I broke a Christmas

promise, which...

Is basically the worst thing

you can do.

I mean, it is so stressful

being the boss.

Nobody ever talks about that.

No. No, not at all.

And if you want to

complain about it,

everybody's like,

"Oh, boo-hoo you, rich Santa."

Yeah, no one gives a sh*t!

I can't call people up

and be like,

"Oh! I'm having

a bad pimp day."

See, you understand.

I get clients calling me 24/7.

Middle of the night, 3:00 AM:

Brring, brring, brring!

"Hey, I need anal,

like yesterday."

Yeah, the same with me!

Except instead of anal,

it's data storage.

Or, "I'm, like, chairing

a PTA meeting.

"Can you have someone blow me

in the gymnasium?"

Yeah, absolutely.

It never ends.

Or, like, "Hey, your girl

just stabbed me in the leg

"and now I'm bleeding out

in the alleyway."

I don't relate

to that as much.

It's mental, right?

How much people lean on you?

And my sister wanted me

to be a failure,

and I was, so she's

not gonna let that go.

That's the problem of

working with family, though.

- Yeah.

- You can never escape them.

You can never escape them.

But you know what,

you're gonna be fine, man.

You know why?

'Cause you've got

all that money, honey.

Yeah, that's the thing.

I don't, actually.

I spent it all trying

to keep the branch open.

All I have left

is just $300,000 cash.

You have 300 grand.

Oh, my gosh. Whenever

I'm that low in my account,

I'm just like, "Kill me."

Uh, so where is the money?

- It's on my person. It's safe.

- It's in your personal safe?

JOSH:
Okay, we're close.

No, no, this is it! This is...

There's a spot! Right there.

You passed it!

(TYRES SCREECH)

Careful. Easy.

Oh!

That's how you park a minivan.

- CAROL:
Jeez!

- Very impressive.

Okay, Nate, are you sure

about this address here?

Yes. 92765 Union Street.

That's where the pin is.

Uh, Red Square Club.

Brian, I can see you

f***ing on my desk!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SIGHS) Uh...

- I'll go see what's going on.

- Okay.

This is it.

Oh, my God.

Well, maybe he deserved it.

Who knows?

Here we go, guys.

Come on.

Quickly? Because I don't know

what's gonna happen in there.

Last year I filed

a sexual harassment complaint

against myself.

- Against yourself.

- Mmm-hmm.

Andrew, in the copy room,

he was changing the toner.

And I pretended to drop

something on the ground

so that I could bend over

and graze his butt

with my nose.

And I did.

(SIGHS)

- That doesn't seem that bad.

- And then I said,

"If you don't f*** me, buster,

I will ruin you."

Hmm. That's harassment.

That's why he quit.

You seem like you feel better.

Here we go.

Wait! No, guys,

we can't go in there

looking like this.

Hey, Carol?

Why don't you

give me your coat?

- How we doing tonight?

- Private party. Members only.

(STAMMERING)

Well, I'm a businessman.

These are

my business ladies

of the night. You hear

what I'm saying to you?

They only come out at night.

- Okay. Okay.

- Mostly for parties.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

MARY:
It's a beautiful

language.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Nice, Carol.

- (SPEAKS RUSSIAN)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Seems like

an appropriate setting

for an emotional rock bottom.

Oh, there's a back room.

Hi.

How you doing? Have you

seen a guy in a Santa suit?

F*** you.

I don't tell you anything.

- All right, now listen here.

- Nuh-uh-uh.

- (MAN GRUNTS)

- (TRACEY GASPS)

- (BONE CRACKS)

- (GRUNTING)

Hi. Me again. Where's Santa?

F*** you. (GRUNTS)

You do not want to die at

the hands of Lululemon here.

It'd be real embarrassing.

You're a large guy,

and she's made of nothing

but salad and Smartwater.

(STRAINING)

Nope, no tap outs.

(GRUNTING)

Back door? Thank you.

- B*tch.

- What?

(GRUNTS)

Was that too much?

- Just a little.

- I loved it.

JOSH:
Let's go.

- Hey!

- Oh, God.

Oh. Go. I got this. Go, go.

- Okay. Enjoy.

- (EXHALES)

Come on, let's party.

CLAY:
Vin Diesel

ain't got sh*t on me!

JOSH:
Clay!

What did he say?

I think I know

where they're going.

Let's get the car. Come on!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Let's go!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, Mary?

Mary, get in the car!

Damn it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

# God rest ye merry gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay

# Remember Christ the Saviour

# Was born on Christmas Day

# To save us all

from Satan's power

# When we were gone astray

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