Office Christmas Party Page #11

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# Tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh, tidings of comfort

# Comfort and joy! #

(TYRES SC REEC H)

- Oh, God.

- Yeah, I f***ed up. I did.

I lost a lot of people's jobs.

I hurt a lot of

good people tonight.

Oh, yeah, totally. Cool story.

Are we coming up

to your apartment building

on the left,

to the right, or...

We're not going

to my apartment.

Uh, yes, we are.

We are going to your apartment

to go to the safe.

There's nothing safe

about what we're gonna do.

Yeah, it's like you said,

you know.

We need to escape them,

so that's what we're gonna do.

- Red light.

- TRINA:
What the f***

are you talking about?

There's a red light!

That's a red light!

(TYRES SCREECHING)

- Oh, yeah! (LAUGHS)

- (GASPS)

We go right through 'em.

They're just suggestions.

- Can you look at that f***?

- Oh, the f***ing windshield.

Are you kidding? Not now!

That's the A.C., Josh.

We don't need that right now.

What about that?

Oh. No,

that's the recirculating mode.

How am I gonna run Zenotek

without this Genius Bar?

You can get up here

and help if you'd like.

Okay, my seat's

getting hotter.

Mary, why do you even

have a minivan?

- You don't have kids.

- I buy in bulk!

- TRACEY:
Oh! It's them!

- Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

good eyes.

Oh, God! What's that smell?

I'm gonna be honest with you,

I have been farting

this entire time.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(GASPING)

Oh, my gosh.

Okay, you know what,

take me to your

personal safe right now.

We don't need money

where we're going.

- Where are we going?

- For glory.

The Clark Street Bridge.

This time of night

it'll be up.

We're gonna jump the bridge

and never look back.

(BELL DINGING)

Okay, new game. Pull over.

Just pull over

or I'll tuck and roll.

- No, no, no. Trina, Trina.

- Just slow down.

Trina, I've been thinking

about this for a while.

We can make this jump.

I let a lot of people down,

but I'm not gonna

let you guys down.

We're gonna escape our

families and become anew!

Pull over right now.

Or I shoot you

in the f***ing brain.

Well, you can't shoot him,

because then

he's gonna crash the car.

Really, Savannah? Really?

Why don't you

put it in an email

and c.c. everyone, all right?

Make double sure

everyone got it.

You know what, you should

start a podcast, Savannah,

called "Savannah Says F***ing

Stupid Things Out Loud."

(HORN HONKING)

CAROL:
Clay!

JOSH:
Clay!

Hey, listen, I'm sorry!

I was never gonna

take that job.

Not good enough!

Do not jump that bridge.

I have to do this.

Carol's right, I'm a fuckup!

(HORN HONKING)

Sh*t!

Pull over, you f***ing idiot!

Or, the nice

supportive version?

Pull over, f***ing idiot!

No.

Hey, tell him to pull over,

lady!

Look. Pull over! Pull over!

Pull over! It doesn't work!

- It's not working.

- None of it works!

Hey, Clay,

you jump that bridge,

I'm going with you.

What? No!

- Yes, I am.

- (BOTH PROTESTING)

Did you say hit it

at 80 or 90, Vin Diesel?

- Put it into sport.

- Here we go.

Josh, I'm sorry that

I said you were safe.

- You don't have to do this.

- Yes, I do.

Josh, what are you

doing, man?

You go, we all go!

F***.

I love America!

I am not gonna die

in a minivan.

Hey, hey, hey!

Get off the wheel!

(CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYS)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHING)

(ALL GROANING)

We could've made that bridge,

panty hose.

Where's Clay?

It was on your person.

(YELLS)

What did we hit?

The collision severed

the primary fibre line,

as well as its backup,

paralyzing Internet, DSL,

and cellular

communications citywide.

So if you haven't ordered

your holiday gifts early,

you may not be able

to order them at all.

I quit, by the way!

You quit what? What, Savannah?

What'd you quit?

Just a couple

of normal girls here.

CAROL:
Move it, move it!

Clear!

MAN:
The Internet's down.

My brother needs a doctor!

Ma'am, you're gonna

need to wait your turn.

Will you find someone

that will help my brother?

All of you, just back up!

Back up. Make a single

file line against that wall

and she will be with you

when she has a f***ing minute!

- (LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

- (CHRISTMAS SONG PLAYING)

You know, you trying to jump

that bridge was really...

Brave?

That what you were going for?

No. Stupid.

I was gonna say stupid.

No. I... I would say brave.

- A little brave.

- Yeah. Hi.

- Hey, how is he?

- Oh. He's fine.

In fact, the doctor said

that the crash

actually fixed

a previous fracture.

He's got...

He's got this gift.

I don't... I don't get it.

- Oh. Thank God he's okay.

- Oh, well...

So, maybe you'll reconsider

firing everyone?

Once it gets out there

that we caused this crash,

the board finds out,

my ass is fired.

No one has a job.

- So...

- Carol?

Is now a good time to exchange

insurance information

for the car stuff?

It's not. You know, we

would've made it, by the way.

- At the speed you were going?

- Comfortably.

Please. To make that jump,

with that incline,

you would have had to

at least been going...

- 110.

- 95.

No, 95.

- It's simple math.

- Oh. Well, okay.

It might be simple on paper,

but you're forgetting the

wind, the weight of the Kia,

the four of us,

bird cages...

I prefer to call them bird

condos, and so do the birds.

Point being, you have

to adjust your numbers

to account

for real world conditions.

Simple. Or did they not teach

you that in hacker college?

You're right.

Thank you.

No, not about that.

Although hacker college

does sound awesome.

It's AnywAir.

I've been doing it wrong.

(EXHALES)

I... I've been treating

the power grid

as if it was

a seamless source of Internet.

It's not seamless, it's messy.

It...

But if there was

an opportunity

where the conditions

were just right.

If we were inside of a vacuum.

If it was still.

Oh, my God.

- An Internet blackout.

- An Internet blackout!

Let's get you back

to the office.

- Yes!

- Come on.

I'm gonna text you

that claims form, yeah?

(STAMMERS)

- I'm sorry, Mary.

- MARY:
Go save the company!

Mum?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Dad?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(WATER TRICKLING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Oh, my...

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh. Hey.

Hey.

Carla!

- Wassup?

- Morning.

I tased as many

as I could, but...

Yeah. Well, I actually thought

it was gonna be worse, so...

Uh-uh!

I see you, b*tch!

Uh-uh, b*tch, I see you!

Your office was locked, right?

Yeah, of course.

- What... What's happening?

- Did you guys find Clay?

- Sorry. Old habit.

- Sure.

Okay. So, what...

You're writing an algorithm

that can respond

to the grid in real time?

- That's gonna take...

- Done.

Forever.

Nate! How's that server bank?

Still covered in beer!

Five minutes!

I hope it's beer.

Hey.

Uh, about what happened...

All good.

Everyone has their thing.

I know it seems weird,

but I just crave discipline.

My family had

no set meal times.

Yeah, it's cool. I don't

need your origin story.

Promise me

you won't tell anyone?

- I'll do your taxes!

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