Office Christmas Party Page #12

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- Deal.

Great.

Oh, my God, the office.

Hey, guys, I got doughnuts!

I got, uh, jelly and glazed

and, uh,

some other stuff.

But no Cronuts,

that's a bastard pastry.

(SIGHS)

I still hate your rules.

But your dancing is

wild and free.

Like an unmanned fire hose.

(SNICKERS)

Put your pants on.

For now.

Now, we can't fix the Internet

if we can't

get on the Internet.

Everything is down.

Okay, well,

all the phones are working.

What about a dial-up modem?

Great. Now all you need

is a RadioShack

and a time machine.

- Oh, the G1 had it, right?

- There's one in Clay's office.

I got the desk. Get the desk.

Okay, give me the wires.

Plug it in here. Give me that.

Hey, I could use some of

that giddy-up in H.R.

if you two ponies

are looking for a new stable.

I am looking

for a new stable, Mary.

Thank you so much.

We'll talk later.

Mary, you're showing

a lot of neck.

Breaking your own rules.

It's a little skanky,

isn't it?

- Plug it in.

- NATE:
Plugged in.

Uh, I got this D.J. equipment,

if you want to

use that for something.

Okay, that's not gonna help,

but thank you.

All right, guys.

What now?

I press "Enter," it launches

the protocol, and then...

And then everybody gets

back on the Internet.

Hopefully.

Or I blow up the power grid.

- So be ready for that.

- Okay?

Don't worry about that.

Just hit "Enter."

Okay, guys.

Here we go.

Power's still on.

Yeah, I'm honestly

shocked by that.

No Internet yet, though.

It could take a few seconds.

If it works, you'll have

a connection alert.

- No.

- No, nothing.

- Nothing yet.

- (SIGHS)

- No? Anybody?

- No.

NATE:
No, nothing.

Josh?

No. Just give it

a little more time.

Maybe it wasn't ready.

Tracey, hey.

It's ready.

MARY:
Still dead.

Waiting for it. Still dead.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)

- Is that you?

- Got it.

- Got it!

- Oh, my God.

- Yep, I got it.

- Oh, my God!

- Was that you?

- I got it!

- Yeah, I got it, too!

- (NATE LAUGHS)

I got mine! Yeah.

Yeah, there's mine. Holy sh*t!

- Tracey!

- You did it!

(CHIMING)

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)

(ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY)

(JEREMY TAUNTING)

Work never stops.

You see that?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello, yes. I am happy for

you, but I do need you to

sign a personal

relationship disclosure form

before this rounds first.

No. No, I don't think so.

Hey, Mary, sign this.

Oh. Oh, you know what?

Um, I really like you,

um, but maybe we could get,

like, a cup of coffee first,

or something?

Yeah! Totally.

That's what I meant by,

"Sign this."

- You know what? Forget it.

- Okay.

(ALL CHEERING)

CLAY:
Glass of wine

in a family photo?

Look at him in that suit.

What a stud.

He wore that better than you.

Yeah, he did a lot of things

better than me.

You're right

to be pissed at me.

You know, I always got to do

whatever I wanted

and you always ended up

with the sh*t end

of the stick.

It wasn't fair.

I'm sorry, sis.

Thank you for that.

You never got to be

the fun one, huh?

- I mean, I could have. Right?

- Yeah.

- Sure.

- I have... I have a fun side.

I've seen it many a time.

I mean...

Off the top of my head, I...

Remember that Thanksgiving

that you taught everybody

the real rules of Monopoly?

With the bidding wars and

the strict time limit and...

- Yeah, that wasn't fun.

- I know.

Hi! My pain is at

a 9 or a 10 or 11.

Whatever on the chart, the...

That face?

So can I get some Dilaudid

in another one of

those little gelatine cups?

You can't buy those.

I looked it up.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMING)

Huh. The Internet's back up.

What the hell is a Zenotek?

- What?

- CAROL:
What?

Oh, my God!

She did it. She did it!

- Shut the f*** door!

- Oh.

I gotta tell you,

I was always like,

"Tracey, this doesn't

make any sense,"

and she was like,

"Words, words, words

"and some numbers."

But she did it.

Oh, my God.

Wait. So, this means everybody

gets to keep their jobs?

Everybody gets to

keep their jobs.

Yes!

God, I am gonna be CEO.

Because you deserve it.

And you throw

a great f***ing party.

Yeah. I did, didn't I?

- Oh! Walter.

- Walter.

- Oh, hello.

- Hi.

- Carol.

- Carol, nice to meet you.

There's my eagle. Hey.

I just want to thank you

for the best night of my life!

- Yeah? Yeah?

- (LAUGHS)

I'll see you on Monday.

Well, it looks like

we just hired Walter Davis.

Well, he'll fit right in.

Wow.

- Did you see that?

- (CHUCKLES)

CAROL:
Oh.

- What are you doing?

- Winner! (CHUCKLES)

- We weren't racing.

- Well, you weren't.

Why do you think they always

make you leave a hospital

in a wheelchair?

(ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY)

What are you guys

doing here?

Well, we can't

go to breakfast without you.

- Come on, we're celebrating.

- JOSH:
Come on, let's go.

I'm in. Breakfast is

the most important meal

- of the morning.

- Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa.

We good?

Yeah. We're good.

- I'll go back down.

- Your ankle is broken.

- Excuse me. Excuse me.

- CAROL:
Yes.

- Oh.

- You left this in your room.

Oh, I did.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

And also this.

Oh, thank you, Doctor. Here.

No.

- Wanna get out of here?

- Let's go.

Oh, no. I'm not getting in

that. I ordered us an Uber.

MARY:
Carol?

I don't mean this in a creepy

way, but get in the van.

Yeah, we got to keep

this train rolling.

- No.

- WOMEN:
Yes.

No! You cannot have alcohol

on your medication.

Uh, f*** that.

Drinking is medication.

Doctor, this is a...

This is a work breakfast.

There will be

no alcohol at all.

(MOUTHS) Okay?

- Yeah.

- (JOSH CHUCKLES)

I saw that.

Doctor, I assure you.

I am in charge.

There will be

no more partying.

(MOUTHS)

I'm literally standing

right in front of you.

I'm literally right here.

I just don't know what it is

you think that I'm not seeing.

Doctor, I would never disobey

medical advice. (MOUTHING)

Just go, just go.

JOSH:
It's an office thing.

Here we go.

- Merry Christmas.

- Let's go.

JOSH:
Let's roll it

to the car.

Okay, Happy Holidays.

MARY:
Thank you for

your service, Doctor.

Okay. (GRUNTS)

Okay. You need any help

working your way out of here?

Please, Josh.

I was born in a U-Haul.

(TYRES SCREECH)

Hey, Carol!

- Are you Carol?

- What? Uh, no.

Are you sure?

You look like a Carol.

Can you not hear me? Carol!

Carol!

Ugh.

(MOBILE PHONE CHIMES)

Cancelled?

- Bunch of b*tches!

- (MARY WHOOPS)

MARY:
You know red lights

are just suggestions.

KELSEY:
Are you smoking a

marijuana cigarette right now?

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)

- (HORN HONKING)

CLAY:
Yeah! See, we made it

through. Let's do another.

(FARTING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, not again.

(LAUGHTER)

Let me do it again.

Let me just do it again.

I can do it.

Oh, damn it. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Sh*t, sh*t!

If you want to make it

in this world,

learn to lie better.

Your mother's never

coming back.

Merry Christmas!

Okay, I'm gonna suck my dick.

JOSH:
She's gonna suck

on this one, guys.

Guys, can we go back to one

for sucking my dick?

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