Oh! Oh! Cleopatra

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The Masquers Club expresses its

appreciation to all these members

for contributing their time and talent.

And now we greet you,

as our heroes do,

with laughter or a smile,

hail, friends, let's laugh a while.

Professor Sweinstein claims that any

person swallowing one of these pills

will be immediately transported

back in retrospective life,

to become whatever character

in world's history he chooses.

But who can explain this phenomenal

scientific theory more clearly

than its sponsor, our honoured guest

Professor Waldo J. Sweinstein.

Thank you gentlemen. Rather than repeat

any more claims for my theory,

I would much prefer to demonstrate.

To do this, I must have a subject.

And I will be very grateful,

if one of you gentlemen would mentally

select a character in history, and,

by swallowing one of these pills

be whisked back into the bygone ages.

Won't you submit to

the experiment, Mr. Hiers?

I'm sorry professor, but...

I'm too forward to go backward.

Perhaps Bill will try it.

No. I've played all those follows.

I know their secrets.

How about you, Jimmy?

Mhm, not for me, Bill.

I might land back in Scotland.

How about you, Hale?

Back through the ages?

No, my wife won't even

let me away for a week-end.

What do you say, Alec?

I'm sorry but I must decline.

They usually fall off my knife.

But, gentlemen, think.

Unless I have a subject,

I cannot complete my demonstration.

You know, Bob, I think

I'll go for one of those pills.

Pills, nothing. What you need

is a good bromo-seltzer.

No kidding.

I've always wanted to

go back into the past.

You know, I've always had a yen to play

Shakespeare's Antony opposite Cleopatra.

Yeah, well if you think I'm going

to Cleopatra, you're crazy.

No, I'm serious.

I can see myself now as Antony.

Friends, Romans, countrymen.

Cannons to the left of me,

cannons to the right of me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You're

all mixed up. That's Huckleberry Finn.

Boy, you better stick to being a

comedian, that's what you better do,

because you'll never make a Shakespearian

actor. Now with me, it's different.

You know, I got the makings

of a great tragedian in me.

Say, It'll take more than a box of pills

to make a Shakespearian actor out of you.

Yeah? Well, let me tell you something,

if we weren't busy on a picture,

and had to rush right

back to that studio,

I'd swallow a hunk of those pills

and I'd show you a Julius Caesar

that was a Julius Caesar.

- Aw, no you wouldn't.

Oh, yes I would.

- Oh, no you wouldn't.

Oh yes, I would.

- Oh, no you wouldn't.

Oh yes, I would.

Oh, no you couldn't play Mark Antony.

- Oh, yes I could.

Oh no you couldn't.

- Oh, yes I could.

No you couldn't!

- Yes I could. - No you couldn't!

You know, this thing

could go on all night.

Give me one of those pills.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Ah, Cleopatra, I see thee again.

Cleopatra, thou art beautiful.

Ah, your hair, your eyes,

your nose, your lips, your...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait for me, Cleo, wait for me.

Gallia est omnius divisa in partes tres.

To say nothing of e pluribus unum.

Oh night, wondrous night.

Ah, great Caesar, were not

nights like this made for love?

Yeah, sure, it we could get rid

of Amos and Andy back there.

Away, slaves.

- Yeah, scram, boys, scram.

Can't kid me, Cleo,

that stuff's been cut.

Oh, great Caesar, thou art

the fairest lover I've ever had.

Let's have that again.

Thou art the fairest

lover I've ever had.

Just a gigolo,

everywhere I go.

Oh, wouldst thou couldst

stay here for always.

Yeah, great idea, Cleo. Great idea.

But I'm afraid it can't be done.

You see, I gotta dash back to Rome.

You know, the boys in the Senate

are cutting up a little.

Why?

- I don't know, something about a melon.

I think they're going

to cut a melon, that's it.

Oh great Caesar, art thou

afraid of republicans?

Why shouldn't I be? After the

trimming they gave me in the market.

Oh great Caesar,

what stock did thou sellest?

Now let me see, I got rid

of my Grecian railway,

also my Chariot Wheel and Buggy,

but I'm holding on

to my Roman can.

Not going to take that away from me.

That's why I'm going Democratic.

Oh great Caesar, would thou for

Democrats leave thy little Cleo?

Well, not if you got a

little more democratic.

Almighty Caesar, lend me your ear.

- Lend me your ear.

That guy's always trying to borrow

something. Speak your mind, kid.

A messenger has arrived from Rome

and wouldst have speech with thee.

I'll bet you anything in the world

that's Wheeler.

Hail, Antony.

Hail, Romans.

By gosh, it is Wheeler. Can't I

get rid of that guy for a minute?

Hail, Caesar.

There lies the noblest

rummy of them all.

To hail with little Caesar.

- To hail with you, too.

Speak your piece, Mark,

and make it snappy.

I've got a little important

necking to do.

The Senate's investigating

your administration

and here you are

getting sunburned.

Hi, kid.

Oh, dear.

Hey, who is this gazabo back there

who keeps looking at us all the time?

That's August the third.

- Oh, August the third.

I thought it was the house detective.

The way he's leaning against that

column, I think he's a columnist.

Oh, pardon me,

I thought I was home.

I was afraid of that. Why don't you grab

the 5.15 chariot and get back to Rome.

I'll stay here and take care of any

important business you might have.

Mark, thou art a chiseler

of the worst kind.

Ah, a robin.

No, 'tis the call for the banquet.

Banquet?

Yes, it is my birthday.

Surely thou will come to the banquet?

Will I come to the banquet? I hope

to tell you, Cleo, I hope to tell you.

Bring on my birthday cake.

And let there be music.

What, thou too, Brutus?

Ah, the three Rhythm Boys.

Hold. It will be better for Caesar

if we use these Roman candles.

Hey, lay off that lunch hook.

Cleo belongs to me.

She likes me as much as she

does you, don't you, kid?

I like thee both.

Well, you gotta choose between us now,

you can't be a sister to both of us.

Why not fight it out among thyselves?

- That's not a bad idea. What'll we do?

Go thee into the lion's den and fight,

and he who wins, shall win my hand.

What do you mean, fight lions? Nothing

doing, nothing doing. No lions for me.

Make it rabbits, though,

and I'll take you up.

You coward. Daniel went into

the lion's den and came out alive.

Yeah, but don't forget,

there's a big difference between

the lions now, and the lion's den.

Ah, my birthday cake.

Quite a donut, quite a donut.

- Yes.

I hope there's enough to go around.

Listen, I got a great idea.

Suppose we all dive into the cake

and the one that gets the

biggest hunk, gets little Cleo.

No, I have an idea.

He who really wishes my hand

shall have a chariot race.

A chariot race?

A chariot race, chariot race,

that's good, that's good.

Yes, and he who wins shall be

my house guest for a week.

Toots, make it six months

and I'll go for them lions.

Ah, no, sir, no, sir,

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