Oh, Mr. Porter!

---

# I want to go to Birmingham

and they're taking me on to Crewe

# Oh, Mr Porter,

what a funny man you are #

And as the managing director

of this railway,

I have pleasure in asking the wife of

the Minister of Public Communications

to christen our new engine.

I now christen you the Silver Link.

As Minister of Public Communications,

on behalf of my wife and myself,

we wish to place on record the pride...

..we feel in being selected...

..to perform this ceremony.

In all the years I've been in office...

..I can recall...

..no happier occasion...

No, no, no. Don't stop him.

The work of the railway must go on.

That's all right. I'll listen to you.

- What's our Willie doing here?

- Come here, my man.

So you're a wheel tapper, eh?

That reminds me of a story

about a wheel tapper.

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years.

One day, somebody asked him why he

tapped a wheel and guess what he said.

He said, ''I'm blowed if I know.''

He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years

and didn't know why!

You'll only think me a little stupid

but why do they tap them?

Oh. Well, er...

Well, you see, it's like this, madam.

If I tap the wheel with a hammer

and hear a clang,

then I know the wheel's there, you see.

Yes, but supposing it doesn't go clang...

Well, then I know the train's gone.

- That's the lot.

- Thanks.

- Dark trousers with white pinstripe!

- Here.

Ditto. Cleaning number 1-34-9.

Those are mine.

I've never been so humiliated!

My own brother,

a common wheel tapper!

- But, my dear...

- Can't you get Willie a better position?

- But we've tried him in everything.

- Then I shall insist he resigns.

- You mean leave us altogether?

- Certainly.

- He doesn't need to do that.

- No, he could do other things.

- Exactly. He can come and live with us.

- What? In our house?

Better that than tapping wheels.

- But...

- My mind is made up.

He gets a decent job or he lives with us.

- Yes, but...

- Undo that thing and don't argue!

Don't be hasty.

I'll see the superintendent at once.

That's more like it. I'll go and fetch Willie.

I daren't, sir. He should be fired.

The board hates incompetence.

But if he's fired,

my wife's going to have him live with us!

Oh, life wouldn't be worth living.

- You have my sympathy.

- Sympathy's no good. I need help.

Have you any special position

in mind for him?

No, so long as

it has the semblance of promotion.

Would it matter if we sent him

very far away?

- The farther, the better.

- Let me see.

Come on, Willie.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

I'm not. I've been here before.

- I hope you've explained the situation.

- Well, I was just...

It does not conform with our dignity

to have a relative tapping wheels.

- We've never had a tapper in our family.

- There was Uncle Joe.

You were meant to be sorting parcels.

What were you doing on the line?

After checking 200 Stilton cheeses,

I needed some fresh air.

- You've never given him a chance.

- We've tried him in many capacities.

What positions has he held?

In 1934, we made him chief coupler

at Miggleswick

- and you know what you did there.

- Yes, I coupled.

Yes, a coal train to the Scotch express.

I did nothing of the sort! I did not couple

the coal train to the Scotch express.

I coupled the express to the coal train.

Fancy a man of Willie's intellect

coupling trains!

On Derby day, 1935,

we put you on the indicator board.

- Yes. Quite right.

- You sent 12,000 racegoers

to a temperance convention in Wales.

- Did you hear about that too?

- Yes, from 12,000 racegoers.

- Charles!

- Yes, my dear.

Either Willie gets promoted or...

What vacancies are there?

- One for a sleeping-car attendant.

- He'd be up too late.

- A guard for a milk train.

- That'd get me up too early.

- That's all there is.

- Come on, Willie.

There must be something.

We've offered him two posts!

What does he want?

Just a minute.

Have you got any stationmasters?

London terminus, I suppose?

- Oh, no, no. I'll work my way up.

- Well, there aren't any vacancies.

See what I'm up against? Victimisation.

- That's the one job I know I can do.

- What's this?

It's just come in.

A place in Ireland called Buggleskelly.

There's a place in Wales called

Llanfogwhyllwhylantysiliogogogogola.

They want a stationmaster

at Buggleskelly. Excuse me one minute.

Mr Leadbetter, I thought we'd filled that

stationmaster post at Buggleskelly.

Yes, sir, but it's vacant again.

Don't know, sir. We've sent them

five stationmasters in 12 months.

What happened to the last one?

I'll read you his letter.

Sounds a bit queer.

''Sir. Since coming here, I have

discovered I am Napoleon Bonaparte.

''Since you won't transfer me

to Waterloo, I resign.

''PS. Forward all mail to Moscow.

I intend to retreat there.''

Extraordinary. And the one before him,

why did he leave?

No idea, sir.

But I remember we sent a wreath.

- Sounds the very place.

- Can I have it?

- You've got it.

- It's rather off the beaten track.

- Oh, as long as it's near the railway.

- Let me see.

Here's our line,

running through Northern Ireland

and here is Buggleskelly...

Would you mind?

Thanks.

What a grand clock

you have there, mister.

It was a present from my staff

when I left London.

What might the inscription be?

''To William Porter,'' - that's me -

''from his colleagues on his promotion

to stationmaster at Buggleskelly.''

What's that he said?

This gentleman is the new stationmaster

at Buggleskelly.

- Poor man. And him a stranger.

- Why? What's wrong with it?

You're a brave man. No chick nor child

o' mine'll walk abroad there after dark.

- Is it damp or something?

- Did you ever hear of one-eyed Joe?

- I never follow greyhounds.

- Follow?

You'll be a lucky man

if Joe never follows you.

He was murdered by the railway,

so he was.

In the old days, he was a rich man

and a miser too.

He owned the mill on Pooker Hill.

You should be able to see it from here.

One day, the railway came along

and ran a tunnel right through the hill

without by-your-leave or nothing.

He should have sued them.

He cursed the tunnel. He swore that any

train entering it should never come out.

That would mess up the timetables.

The first train that came along, there

stood one-eyed Joe, his arms upraised.

''Hold back,'' he cried.

- But the driver rode straight on.

- Over cock-eyed Joe?

And the next morning,

his body was found on the line.

And every night,

when the moon gives light,

The ghost of the miller is seen

As he walks the track

with a sack on his back

Down to the Black Borheen

And the mill wheels turn

though the night is still

And the elf lights flash

from the ruined mill

He haunts the station, he haunts the hill

and the land that lies between!

- Buggleskelly.

- Oh.

- Oh. That's your... Pardon.

- Thanks.

Hey, it says two miles to Buggleskelly.

- I can't help it.

- How do I get there?

Walk. Follow this road

around Pooker Hill

past the witch's oak,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes