Oh, Mr. Porter! Page #2

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drop down into Hell's Collar.

- I only asked a civil question.

- The station's in front of you.

- Thank you. Good night to you.

- Goodbye to you.

Well, you're the funny-looking bird.

Why you, you flat-faced pullet!

Next train's gone!

- The next train's gone.

- What do you mean? That's nonsense.

- It's like saying the last train hasn't...

- What?

- Well, gone... Come out and let me in.

- Come out? At night?

- Not me.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- There you are.

- You here again?

I haven't been away yet! You're

keeping me out of my own station.

Phew.

Phew. What a station.

- Look at that.

- Officious, ain't you?

- No disobedience. Who are you?

- I'm Harbottle.

Deputy stationmaster when there isn't

a stationmaster which is often.

Well, there's one now, see.

- Where?

- Here. I'm a stationmaster.

- Where's your presentation clock?

- How did you know I'd got one?

They all bring 'em.

Bung it with the others.

They look lovely when they're new.

''William Porter.'' Ah, another William.

- That was William O'Shea. Poor Bill.

- Why? What happened to him?

- They put him away. Had to.

- Oh.

Mick Maguire. Well, why did he leave?

Nobody knows. Went out after dark.

Never seen again but we heard him.

- At least Albert did.

- Who's Albert?

- He stands in for me.

- Which is his clock?

- He hasn't got one. He's still alive.

- Give me that!

- Why not put it with the others?

- They're tombstones!

- What's that?

- If it's two howls and a toot, it's Albert.

He's not afraid of the dark.

No, he plays with the pixies.

Oh, does he? Well, all that's

going to stop from now on.

Here's your supper, Jeremiah.

Mine ready?

- What's he want?

- New stationmaster.

- Got a nasty cough, hasn't he?

- Never mind my cough.

Show a little more respect to

your superiors. And put that back!

And take your cap off!

And you! What have you got there?

- My supper beer. Have some?

- Certainly not!

This place is far too free and easy.

A stationmaster doesn't hobnob with his

staff. You keep your place, I'll keep mine.

What is it? Bitter?

Move over. I want to come out.

You'll have to wait.

I've got to empty this cow.

Hey, who does she belong to?

- Who? Her? She's ours.

- Oh, yes?

I suppose that's her name, is it?

- Something burning?

- Albert's cooking the breakfast.

Smells more like

somebody cooking Albert.

- I think I'm going to like Buggleskelly.

- In the daytime.

You've got a big cheese here.

Yeah, this is where you sit.

Thank you.

- Where did this come from?

- Doesn't it say?

No, it just says where it's going to.

What's the idea?!

This doesn't belong to you.

Well, we haven't had any pay

since we came to Ireland.

We can't starve so we borrow things.

Borrow? You mean

you steal things from the railway.

It's not stealing.

It's living off the country.

Danish. Not particular

which country either, are you?

- We paid for that.

- What did it cost?

- A ticket to Belfast.

- A what?!

- It's how we get everything.

- Good, innit?

So you've been getting goods

by giving away company tickets.

It's absolutely dishonest!

You're in a position of trust.

If the company checked up on you,

you'd be in a fine mess.

- That's right.

- It isn't right.

- In future make sure tickets come back.

- How?

Give them return tickets.

Mmm. Nice piece of bacon, this.

Danish too?

- No, home-grown.

- Have some sauce.

- Go on. Somebody in the shop.

- It's his turn.

Don't keep customers waiting!

- Murphy wants his pigs.

- Well, give them to him.

- Can't. Not now.

- Not now? He can have them anytime.

- Well, not all of them.

- Not all of them? Well, why not?

- Where did you get this bacon?

- That's right.

That's a nice state of affairs!

You not only steal company goods

but you pinch from customers.

- Who'll tell him?

- You're the stationmaster.

That's not my duty. A man comes back

for his pigs and what does he find?

- Finds you've eaten them.

- How was I to know?!

- Somebody better tell him.

- Well, I'll tell him.

I shall report this to the company.

Disgraceful. Sitting there like

a pair of pigs eating... You're cannibals!

- Er, good morning.

- There you are.

- How can I help you, Mr...

- Murphy and I wants me pigs.

Have you got your voucher?

Are you sure you left them here?

Of course I am! Let's have 'em.

They've been here a while.

You should have come sooner.

It's been cold and pigs are only human.

- My wife had quins.

- Like that woman in Canada?

Have you got two pigs o' mine or not?

Well, as a matter of fact, I...

I won't keep you a moment.

- What, here? Alive?

- Yes.

Where are they?

I thought you said we'd eaten them.

Would you come and identify

your property, Mr Murphy?

There you are.

It says two here. Whose is the other one?

- Him. There were six.

- Ah, yeah...

Let me congratulate you. Your pigs

have had a visit from the stock.

Seems they've had one from

the butcher too. Where's the rest?

- The litter?

- Oh, we'll clear it up.

- I mean the little pigs.

- Oh, this?

But you don't call one a litter, do you?

- Patsy-Jane farrows at least seven.

- She can't keep it up all the time.

- I wants my property.

- Take it. Two pigs, it says.

- And my litter. 'Tis the law of nature.

- But not of the railway.

What doesn't go in, can't come out...

What you don't put in, you can't take out.

See for yourself.

''The company is liable...

in the aggregate...

''negligence...more than...

if it's left on the premises.''

You see. You left two pigs.

Plain as a pigstaff.

- I'll sue the company.

- I'm sorry but rules are rules.

I'm acting within the litter...

the letter of the law.

I'll settle with you!

- Well, you can settle this bill.

- Bill? What for?

- For the keep of two pigs, 15 shillings.

- What?!

But I'll take the small pig in settlement.

So you not only steal me pigs,

you charge me 15 shillings for it!

You can't break company rules.

I will break

something belonging to the company...

Hello?

- Has he gone?

- No.

This is the station.

What can I do for you?

What's that? A fire? Where?

- At the farm?

- Whose farm?

- Good gracious.

- What are you on about?

What? The haystack's gone?

And the barns?

- Whose barns?

- Oh, dear. And the house?!

- Whose house?

- Yours!

How's Mrs Murphy and the quins?

Here, what was all that about?

Never you mind. You send

those pigs back to Murphy's farm.

If you see a stork, throw something at it.

- What's that?

- Oh, the express.

- A train?! When?

- 10 minutes but it won't stop.

- It will!

- It only stops at important stations.

In future, this will be an important

station. It's going to stop today.

Well, I... Don't just sit there.

There's a train coming!

Tidy up the place a bit! Go on.

- Get those things off the line.

- It ain't a thing. It's a melon.

- Take the washing down.

- It's not dry.

We're a station, not a laundry!

You'll cop it for stopping a train

for no reason.

I'm stationmaster!

If I want a train to stop, it stops!

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