Oh, Mr. Porter! Page #3

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The gate! Where's the wheel

that opens that gate?

- Is the gate opening?

- No.

- Opening now?

- No.

- I've turned this wheel four times.

- That wheel don't work.

- You mean I've broken my back...

- You have to open it by hand.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Albert, come and undo this padlock.

- We lost the key.

- How do you open it?

- You lift it off the hinges.

- Oh...

You go and open the other one.

Oh, the signal.

'Ere! 'Ere, 'ere! Easy with my tomatoes.

What do you think this is?

Kew Gardens?

- I brought these up by hand.

- Well, they're coming down by foot.

- Put that back!

- Leave me alone!

- What do you make o' that at all?

- It's a distress signal.

Whoa, laddie.

What are you stopping my train for?

- I'm the new stationmaster.

- What about it?

- I thought we'd make acquaintance.

- What?!

I don't want my train held up every time

some dirty little halt changes staff.

- Don't say that about my station!

- Station? It's a dump.

- No decent train'd stop here.

- They're going to!

Dirty indeed! It's as clean as your train.

- Take your hands off my train!

- Take your feet off my platform.

- Can't you move up a bit?

- No.

- Can't you move up a couple of yards?

- Go away.

- A couple of inches, then?

- What's the trouble?

Look at my pants!

They're as dirty as when he took 'em off.

- Right away.

- Wait!

You can't tell him that.

I'm the stationmaster!

- All aboard for Ballyhooley, Ballykelly...

- Go on.

Stay there. When I'm ready. All aboard

for Ballybuggle...and other bally places.

- You don't know where it goes.

- I wash my hands of it after here.

All right, push off.

He goes when I say. Go ahead.

- I don't want any impertinence from you.

- You big floppy misfit. Get a proper hat.

What does he mean, a proper hat?

Your station smells like a dustbin.

It isn't even on the map.

- You guard, you!

- Black thief!

Four-eyes! And you mind you stop here

next time or there'll be trouble!

Huh!

Not on the map indeed.

Sauce!

Oh, well.

Maybe it could do with a coat of paint.

Hey! You knocked those up?

- No, they got out at the wrong station.

- Oh, all right.

Well, don't stand there! Shell some peas.

Post! Another for the stationmaster.

What are you doing to the station?

Putting it on the map. Guv'nor's idea.

- Harbottle?

- Eh?

That's wrong. There are two Ls in Kelly.

- Can't have that. 13 letters. Unlucky.

- Oh.

Well, take one of the Ks out.

Nobody'll notice.

You're wasting your time.

- What's that?

- You're wasting your time.

- What are you doing there?

- Watching you wasting your time.

- You waste yours and I'll waste mine.

- What are you burying?

I'm burying nothing. I'm planting lobelia.

- You're wasting your time.

- Why?

You won't be here when they come up.

- Won't he go away? Is he a relation?

- No, but we go out with the same girl.

Well, let's ignore him.

You go and wait by the office

in case my Belfast call comes through.

You're wasting your time!

All right, I'll buy it. What is it?

- There was no wind last night.

- What's that got to do with me?

Yet the sails of the windmill

went round and round and round.

Good day to you!

- What are you doing?

- Taking a bit of chocolate.

- What do you think the slot's for?

- To blow down if the kick don't work.

I'll tell you something.

Telephone's ringing.

Get out of it!

- Hello?

- Belfast here. You called. Who is that?

- This is Buggleskelly.

- What's that?

Buggleskelly.

B for Basket. Eh? What? Who did?

I did not!

Buggleskelly is the name of my station.

Oh, it's you again. What is it this time?

All right, I'll put you through to Mr Brock.

Mr Brock.

Yes?

Porter? Where?

I'm not a railway porter. I'm Porter

the stationmaster. No, not both.

I'm Stationmaster Porter at Buggles...

On your railway.

What now? You've had

200 posters and 50 gallons of paint.

What have you got there? A circus?

Oh, you want to run an excursion.

Where to?

There must be

a lot of nice places in Ireland.

There's Kilkenny,

where the cats come from.

And Connemara, with all the bogs.

There's Limerick, home of poetry.

Limerick...

There was a young lady of Gloucester...

- How many tickets could you sell?

- What shall I say?

- Whose sweetheart double-crossed her.

- Whose... What?

The young lady from Gloucester.

I'll kick that one tooth of yours out,

you old fool.

No, not you. How many people

would go to Connemara?

- The party from the church.

- The church party.

- The girl at the post office.

- The post office staff.

- And my bird.

- And his bird. Get out of it!

I can't give you the exact number

but in rough figures,

I should say quite a lot.

Oh, I should think

two carriages would be enough.

Oh, there's one other little thing

we shall want. An engine. Thank you.

- What rolling stock have we got?

- Coal trucks.

Not coal trucks. I mean carriages!

- We ain't got any carriages.

- Oh, go and play with your Plasticine.

There's an old carriage

but I doubt it'll roll.

Everything here is either too old

or it won't work! And you're both.

Roll, the pair of you.

- Here y'are.

- Yes...

- We get it out from among those trucks.

- That's right.

- What is?

- We get it out from among those trucks.

- I just said that.

- I know.

Well, get your coats off and get to it!

- We shall need Gladstone.

- What?

- You don't know who Gladstone is.

- The man with the bags?

- Gladstone's our engine.

- Why didn't you say you had an engine?!

Show me. Albert, oil those wheels.

- Haven't got an oil can.

- Get one out of the cruet.

There she is. Isn't she a beauty?

- What is it? The Rocket?

- That's Gladstone. Lovely lines, eh?

- Does it go?

- How do you think it got here?

Well, maybe that stork brought it.

Wait a minute. Let me go first.

She knows me.

- Why the decorations?

- Relief of Mafeking.

Blimey. You just heard of it?

- Where's the self-starter?

- She has to be on the boil.

Well, come on, do something about it.

- Oh, good morning.

- Got a match?

There you are.

- I'll start her.

- The hand must point to 80 first.

- How do you get it to 80?

- Stoke her.

- Where's the coal?

- In the scuttle.

- Not enough to boil an egg.

- There's wood in the tender.

You can't destroy these!

They're company property.

Destination boards.

Belfast, Tipperary, Dublin...

- Cheltenham? You can burn that one.

- Oi!

I've oiled it, but I don't see

how you'll get the carriage out.

- We're going to shunt it out.

- Those trucks shouldn't even be there.

I know that, they've got to be shifted.

Come on.

Now, look here.

There's the carriage there.

Turn out your pockets, Albert.

Now, that'll be the line of trucks there.

And this is the siding, innit?

That's the station.

You're on the wrong side! Get over here.

Now, then. Let's see. Where were we?

There's Gladstone. These are the trucks.

How do we get the carriage out?

- If we had a crane, we could lift it.

- A crane?!

With dynamite, we could blow it out!

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