Oh, Mr. Porter! Page #4

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You shut up too.

- Now, I'm Gladstone.

- No, I'm Gladstone.

We can't have two Gladstones.

Then I'm not going to play.

That's the...

You've got me all mixed up now.

Show us, clever clogs.

- I say Gladstone's here.

- How can Gladstone be there?!

Whoa!

- Stopped.

- Has it?

We've got to stop Gladstone too!

Come on, don't let it get away from you!

Hurry up!

Don't let it get away!

Go on! Hurry up!

Go on, stop her!

Harbottle, run on the sleepers!

Albert, get ahead of it and head it off.

Go on! Don't let it...!

Good morning, gentlemen.

Just a staff drill in case

one of our engines ever got away.

- You'll be the new stationmaster.

- I am...

We represent local tradesmen

and we want some trains!

Oh, trains?

Oh, yes, we've got plenty of them here.

- But the devil if one of them stops.

- What? You mean ''didn't stop''.

Why, we had a train stop here on...

Tuesday.

- Where do you want to go?

- To the places listed on them tickets!

- All of them?

- No less.

We've supplied goods to them tickets'

value. Give us trains or our goods back.

That's nonsense.

We don't demand our journeys back.

- Hold on there.

- We'll ask your head office. Good day.

Oh, gentlemen, wait a minute.

I didn't say I wouldn't do it.

In fact, I'm making up a special now.

I'm just waiting for the OK.

Oh, excuse me, my engine.

- Could you come back tonight?

- What?! At night?

We will not!

I'm busy now. Where could I see you?

- You know Barney's Bar?

- I know Barney's bull. Oh, yes, the local.

I'll see you there. But just now, I've got

some shunting to do, so I'll shunt off.

There's the signal. Hold tight.

Funny. How did that happen?

- Do you know where those trucks went?

- Yes, down there.

- We've got the carriage anyway.

- But you better get it off the mainline.

The express'll be here any minute.

Well, what are you waiting for? Go on!

Why won't it start?

Do something! Pull some levers!

You've gone and let all the steam out.

We can make some more

when we want it.

Yes, but we want it now.

The carriage is still on the mainline.

Well, don't stand dithering there.

Get out and push.

'Ere, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm coming.

'Ere, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. What day is it?

- It's our last if we don't get this shifted.

- It's the 19th.

''On April 19th, summertime will start.

Adjust your clocks.''

See, we got lots of time.

Correct... That's addressed to me.

Why are you opening my letters?

- To tell you who it's from.

- In future, you leave my letters alone!

''To adjust the service, the 11 o'clock

express will run at 12 o'clock.''

- What's the hurry? We've got two hours.

- How come?

The clocks go back an hour

and the train's an hour late.

No, the clocks go forward and the train

back. The express is due any minute.

- How can it be if it's an hour late?

- It's summertime.

He's potty. Summer or winter,

if a train's late, it's late.

- But the clocks go forward.

- Then the train's gone!

- No, no, the clocks go back.

- You take an hour off the end of the day.

- No, off the beginning.

- That's wintertime!

- Wintertime you put 'em back.

- I said that!

You said you put it back in summer.

If the clocks go forward, the train's early.

You put the clocks back not forward

and you put the train back.

- I see. You put everything back.

- Yes.

- Sorry. You're right.

- The train's two hours away.

That's your fault. I said

we should have put the clocks forward.

- What are you doing?

- A trick. Fill 'em up and I'll show you.

I bet you would.

- Sold any tickets for the excursions?

- No.

- Well, sell some.

- Nobody wants to go to Connemara.

- You've not sold them in the right way.

- All right, you have a go. Double one.

- It's been a nice day.

- It has that.

Connemara would be nice today.

You know Connemara?

- Indeed I do. I have an uncle there.

- Have you? Have a drink.

Thanks. I'll have a pint of porter.

- Grand old place, Connemara.

- It is that.

- Salmon in the river.

- Grouse on the moor.

- Deer in the hills.

- Mischief in the town.

Oh, your health.

So you've an uncle in Connemara?

I'm running an excursion there

tomorrow.

- How about a surprise visit?

- That wouldn't surprise him.

- Why not?

- He's in the cemetery.

You're wasting your time!

You frozen-faced old...

Oh, good evening, gentlemen.

- Now, what about it?

- Eh? Oh, yes, yes.

Regarding the matter of your tickets,

I have a solution.

Forget solutions.

Have you got our trains?!

In a way.

Perhaps not trains, but I've got a train.

I've arranged an excursion for you.

I'll give you new tickets

in exchange for your old.

An excursion? Will it be

after visiting all the places on our list?

I couldn't guarantee that.

The excursion is to Connemara.

Connemara? Where's that?

What? Connemara? Well, it's...

You er, go down the line

and take the first tunnel on the left.

- And my ticket to Tipperary?

- It's a long way to Tipperary.

- The reason we're going to Connemara...

- It's Ballybunion I want to be at!

Perhaps later. Now, Connemara...

If you ask for turnips in my shop,

I don't try to give you carrots.

I'm asking for Tipperary.

That's where I want to go.

Don't get excited, don't get excited!

If you really want Tipperary,

perhaps I can alter the excursion.

- That sounds reasonable.

- Reasonable?!

- My ticket's for Ballybunion!

- Just trying to please. Tell him.

The gentleman said Tipperary.

To blazes with Tipperary

and Ballybunion! What about my Cork?!

We're going to Ballybunion,

the finest place in Ireland.

Are you going to stand for that?

It's the finest place in the world,

and that down your throat!

- What do you say to that?

- As if Connemara weren't bad enough!

What's that you said about

my home town, Connemara?

- You keep out of this.

- He can't talk to you like that!

And neither can you!

Look what he's done to your beer.

- Would you step this way?

- I'd be delighted.

- Go on, tread on the tail o' me coat.

- All right, knock that off.

Double ones again.

And I come from Dublin.

So you'll sort me out, will you?

Sit down.

- I'm sorry, I can't...

- Sit down!

I was about to send for you, Mr Porter.

Take a drink.

- As a matter of fact, I...

- Take a drink!

Here's long life to you, Mr Stationmaster.

Same to you, Mr...

I didn't catch your name.

- Call me Joe.

- Joe, yes.

What's this train you've got tomorrow?

It's a little idea I had.

Special excursion to...

- Going east or west?

- Both. East going, west coming back.

- It's going to Connemara.

- Peect. How many tickets have gone?

Oh, let me see now...

- Have you sold any?

- No.

- Right, I'll take the lot.

- What? The whole 200?

- You must have a large family.

- Oh, no, it's for a football team.

The Buggleskelly Wednesday.

We're playing a match.

What, on a Tuesday? How funny.

- What about the money?

- What?!

- Just a formality.

- I'll pay when I come back.

- Win or lose?

- Yes, and I want that train at 6am.

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