Oh, Mr. Porter! Page #5

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Impossible. My trip's not running till 10.

That's too bad. The deal's off.

Don't say that.

I'll see that it runs early for you.

- And er, how about the doings?

- That'll be all.

Don't forget. Six o'clock in the morning!

Six o'clock? Yes.

Er, good night. Good luck

to the Tuesday, er, the Wednesday.

- Come on, what's all this?

- He's drunk and he's out!

What are they doing

with my station trolley?

That's how he gets home.

Albert pushes him.

- Who's going to push him tonight?

- It looks like you are!

Pardon.

Hey, Harbottle. Albert, get up, get up!

- Help me get this train away.

- Hey!

Is it right that

you're starting the train now?

Of course.

The passengers are due any minute.

Get a move on. Get in your cab.

Oh, good morning, gentlemen.

Tickets, please.

Morning. Tickets, please. Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Tickets, please. Morning.

Ah. Good morning, sir. Tickets, please.

All aboard for fast,

nonstop special express,

dining car, saloon train to Connemara!

All aboard! Tickets, please.

Oh, I've got them. You can't take

luggage like that on an excursion.

- Those are the goalposts.

- That's all right, then.

I say, what's in that?

- Those are lemons for half-time.

- Oh, I see.

- Here, don't put that on the rack.

- Ready?

- Sure.

- Let her go.

Hey, you, come here.

Why are we waiting?

Have you got to do all that?

Oh, yes. Very important. Still, if you're in

a hurry, you could clip them on the way.

Take care of yourselves!

Hello, Bracken. This is Buggleskelly,

reporting excursion away.

There's nothing under my schedule

for four hours.

I don't care about your schedule.

Expect my excursion any minute.

Hey, hey, come on! Get up!

Get out of it! Come on!

Get up! Fancy lying in bed at this time.

Get up. What do you think it is?

A rest-home?

- What's the idea?

- I'll show you what the idea is.

I'm not running this station by myself.

See this clock? Sleeping to this hour!

Come on, get up. Come on.

- Our day don't start till eight.

- It starts when mine starts.

Your hours must conform

to the prescri...the...

You get up when I tell you! Go on.

Whoo! Yoo! Whoo!

Here, what are you doing?!

I'm doing everything!

I had to get that train off by myself.

- What train?

- Yeah, what train?

- The one that's just gone.

- Last train was Tuesday.

- You'll say I'm talking rubbish next.

- I'm saying it now.

I never heard no train go out.

You were in no state to hear anything.

I'll attend to that.

Hello? Stationmaster, Buggleskelly, here.

What's this train that's left your place?

It has not!

It left here at six o'clock.

I looked at our clocks.

You sure you haven't seen it?

Oh, well, maybe it's had a puncture.

What do you mean, am I sure it left?

Of course. Don't talk to me like that!

You let me tell you... Hello? Hello?

Oh.

Hmm...

- Bracken Junction hasn't seen the train.

- There never was one.

I know a train when I see one!

- Even after a night at Barney's Bar?

- I suppose there were passengers too.

Of course. The Buggleskelly Wednesday

football team.

Our only team is the Swifts

and they won't go without me.

- I'm their centre forward.

- Do me a favour.

Before the express comes,

nod off on the rails.

- If it's one of your trains, it won't hurt.

- Listen!

I clipped all the tickets and

the clippings'll be on the platform now.

Hello?

Look, I've held the down express for

four minutes. Has your train come back?

He's held up the express.

What do I tell him?

Tell him to let it through.

You tell him.

Hello. Let the express through.

The excursion doesn't leave till ten.

- Oh, the old man? He had a thick night.

- Yes!

OK. Suits us.

Says he's going to report him.

- Poor old guv'nor.

- He's going like the others.

There'll be another clock here soon.

'Ere, we better humour him.

The clippings are not there now.

- Of course they're not.

- Well, they were. Must have blown away.

- Of course they must.

- I'm not barmy!

Of course you're not!

I saw that train off at six.

Don't say, ''Of course you did.''

- Where is it now?

- Bracken.

- We'll soon know.

- Why?

Go on, tell him.

- If you had a drain...

- And a rabbit went down it.

- But you weren't sure.

- What would you do?

- Get a plumber. What about the train?

- You bung a ferret in.

- What? In my train?

- If it comes out with blood on its nose...

Somebody's punched it

and that'll happen to you.

- If it comes out with no blood on it...

- Then the rabbit isn't there.

What are you talking about?

What rabbit is this?

- An allegorical rabbit.

- A what?

- What's it got to do with my train?

- Your train's a rabbit.

- What's the ferret?

- The express.

- He let it through.

- What? You let the express through?!

If there's any blood on my train's nose...

Get out of the way.

- Did you see any blood?

- Not a drop.

Tell 'em about the football team.

- The one that left this morning.

- What team?

- The man bought their tickets.

- What man?

- In the back room.

- That's my room.

- There'd be nobody in there.

- What's wrong with you lot?

You know very well...

No, I can see you don't.

We fixed up sending away

Buggleskelly Wednesday.

- I expect there's no such team.

- I never heard of it.

They went on my excursion.

You remember me selling the tickets.

I do not.

Was anybody here last night?

I can see you were.

You must have seen me.

I was busy with two other fellas.

- You admit there was a fight.

- There was an argument.

It was then I went and met this man.

He'd got one eye.

One eye? Did he say who he was?

No, but he told me to call him Joe.

One-eyed Joe, the miller!

He went with the party on the train.

The train! He's seen that too.

Of course I have. I waved it out!

Why? What's the matter?

You've seen the miller.

You're no company for the likes of us.

What's the idea of all this?

The mill wheel turns

though the night is still

He haunts the station, he haunts the hill

And the land that lies between!

A house agent, is he?

I want his name and address.

He was took by a train ten years ago.

Yes, and he was took to my train

this morning.

Don't be talking about such things

in this house.

Let sleeping ghosts lie.

I'll stand for ghosts carrying their heads,

but not goalposts.

I want my train back. Come on.

No, we're not coming.

They're open in half an hour.

- Hey...

- I know, I'm wasting my time!

- Hello?

- Doesn't anyone answer your phone?

I've been to the local...

the local signal box.

- Where's this excursion?

- Haven't you seen it?

- No. Nobody has.

- Oh. That's funny, isn't it?

No, it's not.

Are you certain you sent it off?

- Are you certain you sent it to me?

- Of course!

- Well, I'm certain I sent it off.

- Then where the blazes is it?

I dunno. Who had it last?

The train was sent to you

and it hasn't been heard of since.

I can't fathom it.

Does your driver know the way?

- Has there been an accident?

- Not according to my ferret.

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