Oh, Mr. Porter! Page #6

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Hello?

Just a moment.

This is Bracken. Where is your train?

Have you sent that excursion off?!

- Yes!

- 'Well, where is it?!'

We've mislaid it. Excuse me.

- It went at six o'clock.

- 'When?'

- 'What? It was scheduled for ten#

- 'Is that a different one?'

- No!

- 'Are you contradicting me?'

- No, not you. You!

- 'Yes?'

- No!

- Why did you change the schedules?

- It suits my customers better.

- What customers?

- I'm not talking to you.

- Pull yourself together.

- I am together.

- Where is it?

Get off the line. Ring off!

Do you know who you're talking to?

- Yes, to him.

- I'll report this to Brocker.

Too late. I'm talking to the old fool now.

Old fool? What are you gibbering about?

I can't hold up the service.

Can I stick me signals up?

If it'll give you any pleasure.

I'm ringing off.

Oh, are you? You can pack up

your things and go back to England.

- If you're not out by tonight...

- Tonight? What's the hurry?

- You're fired!

- Fired?

- Yes, fired!

- Oh.

Well, I've been thrown out

of better stations than this!

- What you packing for?

- I'm leaving.

- Tonight? Have you told head office?

- They told me.

What's the matter?

- He's got the push.

- Poor old guv.

Here, you can't go like this.

Have some bacon.

- I won't deprive you.

- It won't keep much longer.

I knew you wouldn't stay.

He never liked stationmasters.

- Who?

- One-eyed Joe, the miller.

Listen, I've had enough of him.

I've never heard such a lot of rubbish.

Every night, when the moon gives light

The miller's ghost is seen

- He walks the track, a sack on his back...

- And his earhole painted green!

He haunts the tunnel, he haunts the hill

and the land that lies between...

Nah, it's all my eye.

Here, I'll give you this.

There isn't a tunnel on our line.

- No, but there is on the old loop line.

- Loop line? First I've heard of that.

- It runs through Pooker Hill.

- Disused.

- Where does it lead?

- Across the border.

Border? Loop line? Tunnel?

I've got it! Go on.

- Where we going?

- To find my train!

- No more arguments. We're going.

- But we might overwork Gladstone.

- It's haunted.

- Shut up. Let's see the map, Albert.

There's Pooker Hill

and the mill on the top.

There's the line to Bracken Junction.

The line crosses the border there.

- Here's where the old line branches out.

- One-eyed Joe was killed right there.

A banshee!

Banshee! It's Gladstone on the boil.

Come on.

- Whoa!

- What's he say?

- He said whoa.

- Oh, I thought he said Joe!

This is the branch line all right.

Where's the point lever?

- Be quiet!

- I've got it.

- I got it first.

- That's oil!

Hello...

- What does that prove?

- There's been a cattle show.

That's a football favour!

It shows we're on the right track. Go on.

Right.

Look, there's the tunnel.

- There's something across it.

- It's disused.

Slow down. You'll hit it.

- Eh?

- Put your brakes on!

Brake! Brake!

Brake!

Why didn't you stop when I told you to?

- I have stopped.

- You couldn't help it with that there!

Look, there it is - my excursion.

Now who's potty?

- I wonder where everybody is.

- Could be playing football.

- Who plays football in the dark?

- Night schools.

- They haven't unpacked the goalposts.

- Let's go back now.

What? After they've pinched my train

and left it here? Not me!

They haven't even paid for their tickets.

Hey...

- My tickets. They're not even clipped.

- Some more over there.

Blimey, they chucked 'em away.

Well, what a nerve!

- Follow me.

- I'm not going in there.

Do as you're told. And you too.

I won't poke me nose

in other people's tunnels.

So you'll let me go in alone to face...

- whatever there is to face?

- Yes.

All right, I'll... Get inside!

- It's all right. I'm behind you.

- Would you like to come in front?

No, I can see fine from here.

What was that?

- Voices.

- Must be somebody there.

What's that growling?

- It's my stomach.

- Well, keep it quiet.

Hey...

- Guns!

- Odd things to take to a football match.

They're gunrunners, not footballers.

- Come on, boys, get that lot down.

- What's the hurry?

If we're not over the border by sunrise,

we'll all be in jail.

Get that lot down. I'll get the other one

from upstairs. Come on, Mickey!

Hurry up. Don't take all night.

This is a funny-looking place, innit?

- We're in one-eyed Joe's cock-eyed mill!

- Oh, dear!

Quick! Behind this.

We go to the left.

- No, right.

- No, it's left.

- Of course it's left.

- I say it's right.

Stubborn old git. If we turn left,

we get there by the other road,

whereas... Good evening.

Get up.

All of you.

What are you doing here?

Oh, er... You dropped your tickets.

- Don't try anything. There's three of us.

- No, two.

- One.

- Follow me.

Come here!

Come on downstairs. And hurry.

Bull's-eye!

Let's barricade the door.

- Then we can't get out.

- They can't get in!

- Open this door!

- You open it yourself.

- Where's Harbottle?

- He must be up there.

- They're not here.

- They must have got out another way.

It's all right. They're going.

What's the matter? I thought you'd gone.

- You think too much. Tie him up!

- You can't do that. I'm a British subject.

What are you going to do?

You can't do that!

And who's gonna stop us?

Glory be! The ghost!

The phantom miller...

One-eyed Joe!

Aa-choo!

That's no ghost.

After 'em!

- They're not here, Grogan.

- They can't get away.

We'll get them when we come back.

Slip that bolt!

- They've taken the ladder away.

- Now we can't get down.

Let's tie a rope to that hook

and slide down.

It won't bear our weight. Use that beam.

- But that goes round in the wind.

- We can try it. Give us a rope.

- We haven't got a rope.

- What are we arguing about then?!

- What was that?

- I dunno.

- You touching something?

- No, I'm holding on.

- We're oscillating.

- I shall be sick in a minute.

Stick your fingers in your ears

and count to 100.

Hey, what's this?

Cor, look!

Oh, the propeller.

- We could ride on one of these sails.

- It isn't going round.

Something's holding it.

Must be a brake somewhere.

Ah, perhaps this is it.

It's turning now.

- Has it stopped?

- Yes.

Then it's under control. Come on.

- Yes, what is it?

- We're going down. You're first.

- Right down there?

- No, go along this horizontal sail.

- Which?

- This one, pointing to three o'clock.

- Drop off at six o'clock. Understand?

- Yes. What time is it now?

No, no, six o'clock at the bottom!

- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

- Come on, come on.

- Right along here?

- Yes, go on.

- It's a long way down.

- Never mind. You'll soon be there.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- You all right?

- Oh, dear! Oh, dear! Just a minute.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

I'm back again.

Hurry up.

- Are you nearly there?

- Nearly.

- I'm ready.

- He's ready.

- All right, he'll be OK. Go on, you're next.

- Stop it, then.

Oi!

Do I have to fall in the water?

Oh, dear.

The blood's running to my hat.

- It's bending.

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