Once Bitten

Wake up, sleepyhead. It's sunset.

Board of Education Chairman...

- Good evening, Sebastian.

- Good evening, Countess.

Austrian peasant.

Early 1700s...

O-positive.

Very nice...

but not vintage, and certainly not virgin.

Virgin blood isn't easy to come by

these days, Countess.

You're telling me.

How many days left

till Halloween, Sebastian?

Little more than a week, Countess.

I told you not to worry.

Not to worry?

How amusing.

You're not the one that has to have

the virgin blood of a young man...

not once, but three times

before All Hallows' Eve.

Not to worry?

Being a vampire in the 20th century

is a nightmare!

Did we get up on the wrong side

of the coffin this evening?

Must be the delegation from below.

You, wipe your feet.

After 120 years,

you still have Georgia clay on your boots.

You're a long way from Covent Garden.

Your report?

Countess, we've been all over

this metropolis.

With nothing to show for it?

Do you realize that it's less than 10 days

until Halloween?

Times have changed. When you found me,

it was 1864. Virginity was still popular.

Stop being so damned negative.

There must be a virgin out there. Find him!

Unless the Countess gets

what she must have...

you lose your refuge and her protection.

Is that clear?

The closest we've come so far

is an 11-year-old.

Don't be disgusting.

No more excuses! She's heard them all.

She wants action.

And she wants it now.

Get out there and find me a virgin!

I want to, I really do.

Robin, please!

Mark, we've been through this sex thing

a million times.

Halfway through it a million times.

It's what people do when they are in love.

It's natural. It's right.

It's not natural for me to do it in a car.

What about an ice-cream truck?

What?

Do you have a creamsicle?

Take a hike! We're closed for renovations.

Jeez.

Sorry. I'll put it in third.

Look, Mark...

I want to. I really do.

But I want it to be special.

Sorry.

Please understand.

Sh*t.

Based on my broad and varied experience...

I'm telling you,

girls have a six-year cutoff time.

If they haven't put out in the first six years,

they figure, "why bother?"

No. She just thinks if it's good, it can wait.

Oh, yeah? Look at me. I'm good. I can't wait.

- You call that well-done? It's still meowing.

- It's burnt.

I don't know. There's too much pressure

about getting laid.

It's like taking a driver's test for manhood.

I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Right now, I'm as close

to physical perfection as I'm gonna get.

That's depressing. Really depressing.

Sometimes I think I should just go out,

find some strange woman and get laid.

Then I could go back to Robin

without all this pressure between us.

Now that's a burger!

We should check out

some of the bars in Hollywood.

I don't want to do that.

- That's where all the weirdoes are.

- Exactly.

Because that's where all the action is.

We might as well.

Nothing ever happens here.

We live in a sexual wasteland.

What if Robin finds out?

Who's gonna tell her? Not me.

Come on. I wouldn't say nothing.

Not if she got down on her knees and...

Get out!

We'll have three beers, all around.

Watch.

Number 17.

Hi there! Number 17?

I'm Russ and I'm a Sagittarius.

I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners,

and Tolstoy.

Look, I'm a mature person,

and you are a mature person, so...

She said, "Come on over!"

You got it, honey.

Don't wait up.

Hi there, Russ.

- Hi.

- Sit down.

A Sagittarius! Dynamite! I'm a Gemini.

Hey, man, do you know what that means?

Like H2O!

Are you a guy?

Does it matter?

Sissy.

Want to leave now? This place is stupid.

Are you kidding? We haven't scored yet.

Score? Not here, that's for sure.

Look around you.

Yuppie city.

You got it. We don't belong.

Studs "R" Us.

Number four at the bar.

Am I sitting in the middle, wearing a red tie?

She wants you to have a drink with her.

- He'll be right there.

- All right, move it, man!

I don't feel good about this.

Come on, go for it. Live dangerously...

stud!

All right. Okay.

Come on.

Go for it!

Hello, tall, dark and handsome.

Me?

Hi.

What's your name?

Mark Kendall.

Can I buy you a drink?

I was hoping

you would share my champagne.

Oh, yeah.

What's your name?

- Just call me "Countess."

- "Countess"?

That's great. I like that.

I had a dog named King once.

Thirty-two.

Do you come here often?

This is my first time.

Beautiful. Great place.

Do you come here a lot?

Whenever I'm on the prowl.

How old are you?

Me? 21.

How old are you?

Older than you think.

That's okay. I look young for my age, too.

People say I could pass for 18.

...the horse threw me.

Whore! Caught in the act, you pedophile!

Why don't you sit down

so we can discuss this like mature...

Shut up, scumbag!

So...

you're Chester!

I think there's been

a little misunderstanding. I'm not...

I wouldn't sit in the same room

with you, degenerate.

- I'm Jamie...

- I wouldn't live in the same city!

We just came here to get some girls tonight.

I mean, meet some girls.

Mark's got an ice-cream truck,

and we came down.

We heard this was

a swinging place, that's all.

Figures. A kid! A degenerate kid!

Pornographer! I've read your letters!

- I wouldn't.

- They're my friends.

They can handle it. Don't do anything rash.

- You make me sick.

- Shut up, Harry.

Filth! That's what this is.

You slime, this is private!

We better get out of here.

How dare you write this filth to my wife!

This is a big misunderstanding.

I didn't write anything...

- This is a big mistake on your part.

- He's got a gun!

Oh, my God!

Don't hang up. It happens all the time.

Let's go.

Neither one of us

can afford to spend the night in jail.

Countess! Sir!

Wait, my truck! My ice-cream truck!

I know where it's parked. Give me the key.

You don't want to end up in the slammer.

- Daddy hurt his parts.

- Daddy was bad.

Is that a new kind of choke hold?

See, I told you we'd get lucky.

Is there anything you need? Food? Drinks?

A bib?

Thank you, no, Sebastian.

This is a nice house.

Don't see a lot of mansions where I live.

We just moved in.

The previous owner slaughtered his family,

and then hung himself.

You must've got it cheap.

Except for the cleaning bill.

May I get you a drink?

I have to ask you something.

I was wondering...

Are you a prostitute?

I'm whatever you want me to be.

Good, because I only have $5.

What would you like?

The same as you.

Try this.

I'm gonna slip into something

a little more comfortable.

- I'll be right back.

- Okay.

Okay, Sebastian. Out of the closet.

I came out of the closet centuries ago.

Very amusing. Come on, help me.

Make me lovely.

Have I ever failed you?

- How's my hair?

- Like golden wheat.

My eyes?

Bright as Venus.

I'm so excited. It's as if I were young again.

And so you shall be, lovey.

I told you not to worry.

I see you've made yourself at home.

That's very nice.

Did you...

Did they do that over at the shopping mall?

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