Once in the Life Page #10

to help me, man. My hand don't

work no more. I can't do this one

by myself. Don't you even

f***ing look at me. I hope that

sh*t kills you. Don't say that. I got it, baby. What you need? I just need you to hook it up

for me. Ok. Like this? Yeah, that's good. Hey, Tony, man... Thanks. No problem. I'm sorry about

throwing up on you. It's just when I get

sick like this, I can't help myself. And you, too, Mike. I'm sorry about

pissing my pants in front of your

friend here, man. Hope I didn't

embarrass you. It's just

when I get sick, I can't help... Torch: Come on, man. Don't look at me

like that. I hate it

when people look at me

like that. Don't f***ing look

at me like that. What you do that

sh*t for anyway, man? I don't know. Because it's

all I got. That's bullshit. No, it's not

bullshit. It's not bullshit. You are

bullshit, man. You're bullshit. Oh, no, I

almost forgot, you're my long lost

half brother, right? You tell me, what

else have I got? I got no

real family. Got no job. Ain't been able

to keep one the past 5 years. Last job I had,

I missed so many workdays

from being sick, I said "f*** it." Started stealing

full-time to support my habit. It's part

of the reason I started hitting

myself in the feet. This way, I don't

got to walk around wearing long sleeves

all the time. Sure, you know,

it gets messy-- walking around, blood dripping

out of your shoe. It's easy to hide. You want to know

why, Mike? You really want

to know why I shoot dope? Because I have to. The colds,

they come. I don't,

I get sick. You ever been sick? So f***ing sick your

whole body aches, your guts feel like

it's on fire, your blood's

boiling? There's not

a f***ing thing in the whole

wide world you can do about it. It's not

a good feeling, bro. Stop looking at me

like that. 20/20 my ass. Yeah, you got eyes in the back

of your head. You got any idea

what it's like to want to quit and

know that you can't? Like you really,

really want to quit, but you just can't? Like in the past

5 years alone, I tried to kick

3 different times. Cold Turkey

the first time. Next two times, tried a 10-day

methadone program they got

over in Brooklyn. I had 7 out of 10

days clean on my first

go-around. Big f***ing deal,

right? Next time,

two years later, on the 11th day,

my girlfriend pattie came to pick

me up. Off we went

to cup. I had 11 days clean, $60 in my pocket. Bought 5

bags of dope, a pack

of cigarettes. Shot them up

just like... I remember the high

I got from that sh*t like it was

yesterday. Felt like

superman. Invincible,

you know? Here I come,

man... Looking at you

with those eyes. Only it

wasn't your face I'd be looking at. It was my own. I'd be staring

in the mirror, begging and crying for him

to let me stop, but he wouldn't. Just kept

staring back at me with this look

on his face that's saying, "who's that crazy

strung-out junkie "looking at me? "Can't be who

I think it is. "I don't look

like that, do I? "This guy looks

dangerous. "Too dangerous to be

on the street. Too dangerous

to be me." But it is you. It's you exactly

the way you are, sure as sh*t. What scares you

the most is, that's what

people see when they

look at you the way you

look at me. Whoa. Mike? I'm not feeling

too good, man. Mike: Billy, stop

f***ing around, man. Billy? Billy? [Slapping Billy] Ok, um... Ok. I got to pick

you up. All right? We're going to walk,

Billy. Come on. Going to walk

with me, bro? That's it, huh?

Come on. What's the difference

between the police and the po-lice? No idea. Well, obviously

you've never been chased

by them. Come on, Billy. Come on. Come on, Mike.

Look at you. What you

look like, man? Tony, you're supposed

to be helping me, man. Oh, I'm supposed

to be helping you? Ain't that a b*tch? Don't move, Billy. You stay

right there. I'm going to fix

you up, ok? We're going

to fix you up. Ok. Come on.

Don't be dead. Come on.

Don't be dead. Don't be dead, ok? Billy, Billy,

don't be dead, ok? Come on. It's supposed

to be my dope. Yeah. The dope you stole? Mine. But you said-- you said you

was out of the life. Oh, come on, Mike. Once in the life,

always in the life. You know the game. Hey, Tony.

Look, uh, I need you

to help me now. Ok? I want to, Mike. I really do. Besides killing

you myself... I can't do nothing

for you, baby. You going

to kill me, man? I don't know,

man. You don't know? You don't know? Come on, man. You just now said you was going

to kill me. Me--godfather

to your firstborn. You remember me? Too much crime, too much time

like this, yo. Now you standing

there telling me that all that sh*t

don't count? Like it don't

mean nothing? Like, what,

all of a sudden I'm--I'm--I'm

a f***ing stranger? I don't mean sh*t

to you no more? I can't believe

that, man. I mean, I know

a lot of sh*t can happen

in 2 0r 3 years. You know,

people change. But, Tony, yo, what the f***

happened to you? The f***ing world

happened to me, Mike. I got a criminal

record, Mike. The world don't want

no parts of me. It don't give

a f*** about me. It don't owe me sh*t.

Not a goddamn thing. So I did what

I had to do, Mike. Now I don't owe

nobody nothing. Yeah, nobody

but Manny. You owe him. The motherf***er

owns you. No, motherf***er.

Oh? You own me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry

about the dope, man. I didn't know it

was yours, you know? Talk to Manny.

Maybe-- Manny ain't

interested in no conversations

about nothing. Take a look

out the window, Mike. Go ahead. Take a look

out the window. This ain't no

flimflam. This ain't no

riker's f***ing island. This is the life,

Mike. What do you think

they're going to do to me when I don't

come through? What do you think

they're going to do to Maxine,

my little girl? They got Max? They got precious? I'm sorry,

Tony, man. I didn't mean to put

you in no sh*t. You are so f***ing

full of sh*t, Mike. I just thought

that I could-- you thought? You thought what? That you

could be Manny? That you could

trust nine lives? You see, that's

your problem right there,

Mike. You don't think.

You never f***ing did. 20/20 Mike. You walk

around like a f***ing

blind man, man. I ain't ready

to die today, Tony. Brother, I ain't ready

to die for you. Ok. Ok, I'll make a deal

with you then. F*** a deal. Come on, man. Look, I'm going

to go downstairs like you said.

I just-- ok, I'm going to go

downstairs. I'm-- shut the f*** up,

Mike. I ain't trying

to hear you. I need you to stall

them for me. I ain't trying

to hear you, Mike. Listen to me. I'm going

to go downstairs like you said, but

I'm going to try-- f*** that, Mike. Get your f***ing

ass in here. I'm going to try

and make it. I just-- I'm going to make it.

I'm going to-- get that f***ing

hand down. Tony, I'm begging you. [Speaking spanish] I'm begging you, man.

Please don't kill me, all right? Tony, I'm begging you.

I'm begging you, please. Please don't

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