Once Upon a Time at Christmas Page #2

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- Jen?

- Yeah, Jen.

Sweetheart, she means

nothing to me.

There. Underneath the car.

It's probably just a raccoon.

Do you still wanna do this?

I don't know.

Babe, you're the only one for me.

There's nobody else.

Say more things like that.

The worst that could happen

is you get pregnant.

I'm on birth control, you moron.

Well, then what else

could go wrong?

I have no idea why I love you.

Baby, you...

Sh*t!

Get us out of here!

It won't start.

There's no battery!

My god!

My god!

- Get out!

- My door is jammed!

No!

- Sheriff.

- Fullard.

It's a mess.

- Who?

- Two kids. Teenagers.

What happened?

Be a couple days before the

fire inspector gets back to us.

Kathy says you saw them before.

Called something in.

Didn't you recognize them?

They're just kids.

I... I don't know...

Come on, it's a small town.

Look, sheriff, I haven't

been here as long as...

Some people.

Anything back on the DNA?

Sent to the state

lab last night.

You know we're not gonna be

first priority though.

We might be.

You don't think this is

connected to that?

Completely different mos?

I don't know what

I'm thinking right now.

Only I was looking forward

to a quiet holiday season.

Still haven't done my shopping.

I don't two mur... three murders

dragging us into overtime.

Look, it might be a coincidence.

No such thing.

Who could that be?

Can I help you?

Mrs. frenchen?

Yes?

I'm in need of a good lawyer

and you came highly recommended.

Could you open the door?

I'm afraid I just

specialize in divorce.

Well, then you're exactly

the person I'm looking for.

You see, Santa, he told me he wouldn't

buy me a bear trap for Christmas.

I reckon that's grounds

for divorce, right?

You can come

by my office next week.

I'd be happy to take a look

at what you need.

I'm afraid there's a real bad time

limit on what i need you for.

Who are you?

Why, I'm Mrs.

Claus, of course.

Tell me what you think

about my elf hair.

So, Santa asked you

to sit on his lap?

Please. If that a**hole

hits on me again,

I'm gonna pepper spray his ass.

Is Lisa coming?

Swim practice.

That's dedication.

She's gonna be selected

for the olympic squad

and we're still gonna be

stuck here in this mall.

Speak for yourself. If they start

giving out gold medals for blow jobs...

I'm going to reicher's

bar later.

- Do you wanna come?

- You're not gonna get served.

Please! I have b*obs.

Boys are dumb.

No debate here.

Hey, Jen, your break's finished.

Hey, Jen...

If you hate it so much,

why'd you come back?

It's either that or join in on my family's

awkward silences it's definitely happening then?

The divorce?

God, I hope so.

At least then we won't

have to play happy family.

What's that?

Joe and David wanted me

to hand these out.

Well, aren't you

a good girlfriend?

It's an annual tradition.

- Being a good girlfriend?

- I'm an amazing girlfriend.

He's so f***ing lucky.

And, no, the party is

an annual tradition.

It's a stupid tradition.

Says the girl who's

dressed like an elf.

Did you,

did you hear about Troy?

No.

He... died last night,

in an accident

with Michelle Weaver.

- My god.

- Yeah.

Did you guys...

Did you guys, like, do it?

No, we... we only went out

for, like, three weeks.

It's fine. In three weeks, i totally

would have f***ed him, like, 30 times.

Well, I didn't really

like him that much.

Who said anything

about liking him?

Well, what kind of accident?

- I don't really know.

- I hope his family's okay.

Confirmation from the fire

department on two dead.

Looks like it was deliberate.

Traces of gas have been

found at the scene.

What?

Come on.

Spit it out, fullard.

Manny was speaking

with the fire inspector.

It's early, but he thinks

it was deliberate.

Found traces

of gas on the ground

and the starter cables were cut.

Sh*t.

It might not be related

to the Santa claus at the mall.

Come on.

What are you thinking?

Like a serial killer?

Hey, I don't want anyone speaking

those words out loud, you got it?

- Then what?

- I don't know.

Let's just take it easy

and compile evidence.

Better yet, a suspect list.

Wait, shouldn't they

have the same mo?

They do.

They're all dead.

Mayor's office called.

They're worried about

Christmas being ruined.

Kathy, can you get NYPD homicide

on the line, please?

He's been on line two

for five minutes.

You know he called you

the grinch?

You gotta be f***ing kidding me.

I got three murders in two nights and he's

worried about people not spending enough?

Kathy! Line two!

He hung up!

Okay, I'll get him back.

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

I think the mayor's just worried

that one of the victims is a voter.

Doesn't wanna lose too many.

Kathy! Get me the bureau!

Feds?

Yeah, we're out of our depth

on this one.

- What do you need?

- A drink.

I'm okay.

Told Joe to f*** right off,

you know what I mean?

- My god!

- All right.

Cheers ladies!

Okay.

This one's totally going

on my Facebook wall.

Don't tag me.

My boyfriend thinks

I'm babysitting.

Yeah. My mom thinks

I'm studying.

Hey, beautiful lady!

- Hey, lady!

- God.

- Hey, sexy lady! Whoo!

- Great.

The last thing I want

right now is to be hit on.

Funny, that's the first

thing that I want.

Why don't we go to the sun house?

I have the key.

We'd have the whole place

to ourselves.

What's there?

More alcohol.

Hey, hot mama!

Sure.

Probably a small cock anyway.

I'm just gonna use the bathroom.

Let's not stay here alone.

Maybe we should have sacrificed

Courtney to those guys.

Remind me why

we're friends again?

Hello?

Are you okay?

Honey, honey.

Are you okay?

My god! My god!

Please, no!

No!

But baby, I wanna play!

Let's not be greedy,

Mrs. claus.

Four birds.

Four birds.

'Tis more than enough

for one day.

So, Santa claus?

And Mrs. claus?

Do you know why

they didn't hurt you?

One sec, okay?

Talk to me.

Four dead girls.

- Girls?

- Yeah, teenagers.

- Underage.

- Sh*t.

She say anything?

Yeah, something about two freaks

dressed up as

Mr. and Mrs. claus.

At least the mayor's

gonna love that.

Never mind the press. We need

to start running with it.

Get as much as you can on them.

Mayor's on the line.

He wants to talk to you.

That was fast. Jesus.

Get on the horn, right now.

Get the mall to pull

their Santa claus off.

What?

Before some yahoo

blows his f***ing brains out.

No, we've got

media blackout on this.

Really?

Twitter and Facebook disagree.

Pigs.

Why don't we call

your parents now, okay?

Or I can.

Santa claus?

He's dressed as

f***ing Santa claus?

Yes.

God damn it.

I'm gonna put a curfew in place.

- Excuse me?

- A curfew.

There's no evidence these two

are related, is there?

With all due respect, Mr. mayor,

you're not a law

enforcement officer.

No, I'm the mayor, and somebody

has to run this town.

Do you have any idea what will

happen to Christmas sales

if you close that mall?

If people keep dying, there

won't be any customers left.

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