One Percent More Humid Page #3

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I thought you said you're

not doing it anymore.

I'm not.

- No, I'm not.

- Guys!

- To the pond.

- Yes.

- It's gonna be beautiful!

- I know...

Mmm, you have man hands.

- That's what I ordered.

- Hmm.

Hey, you want to meet my dad?

I'm having lunch with

him on campus tomorrow.

I thought I could bring him by.

"Father, you remember how I told you

"that I'm not a little girl anymore?"

He's a nice guy.

I'm not your boyfriend.

A, it's been two weeks.

B, I'm not your boyfriend.

C, I'm a dirty, old man.

And,

D, my wife's coming up.

She's gonna be here all weekend.

She comes up every weekend.

Except the last three because of work.

Fun.

It's gonna be fun for all of us.

Just a minute!

Iris.

I'm so f***ed!

There's this tool from Brown who's

had my book from interlibrary loan

for three weeks.

I think he's dead in his thesis carrel,

the book under his decaying

ass, and I'll never get it back.

Glad to see you.

As heard.

Gerald's wife is coming up this weekend.

I'm an a**hole.

You're an a**hole.

It's only been, like, two weeks, but still.

How long has he been married?

We don't talk about it.

It's not funny, Catherine.

Let's just smoke weed all weekend.

Okay. Do you have any?

No, but I'm sure Jack does.

I haven't spoken to him in, like, a week.

Been staying at Professor FuckBuddy's.

You look really skinny.

Like, coke-skinny or meth?

Those are my two choices?

Boo!

Just get me some weed.

I need to get my grub on.

Why don't you just come in? It's gorgeous!

No, I can't swim in this.

F*** if I care. Take it off.

Do you care what I've been up to at all

while you've been sleeping

with Professor Von Slurpy?

Yeah. What?

Professional escort work.

I had a G-spot orgasm from being on top.

Nice.

Did you pee?

Just now?

No. When you came, hello?

You know, sometimes

women, when they ejaculate,

they think it's urine, but it's really not.

It's just love potion.

I don't know.

I mean, I get, like, really wet,

but it's not like a burst or anything.

Oh, my God, you're, like, all sexed up.

- It's insane. It's like you're possessed.

- Hmm.

Possessed by Mae.

One of us has gotta be the slut, right?

Well, you're in lurve, so

it's not actually slutty.

Is it good with Professor Von Slurpy?

Yeah.

Good.

Come on, get in.

No, I'm just gonna warm my soul.

Ah, you're never coming in.

- Yo!

- Hey.

How was your sleep?

- Fine.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- I have the paper.

Oh!

Look at all these tag sales.

Let's go.

Look what I've got.

Really? Like, right here, right now?

Car pass. I don't want...

Come on, Iris.

'Cause I'm missing

more than just your body.

They eat the whole thing.

Sh*t.

Henry? Wait, who'd you kiss?

Yeah, that was, like, my

first spot for make-out.

Well, my first kiss.

Oh, my God, so you're talking,

like, peck on the cheek.

I'm getting so high.

Perfect.

God, Iris, come here.

No.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sexually confused.

- How much for this record?

- 20.

- Too much, it's like...

- 15?

Deal.

This belongs to us now.

This would make me throb.

20th century Psoriasis...

Sounds like something my dad would say.

It's got a distinct aroma.

Iris, this is my grandma, 1970s.

It's f***ing freaky.

- Can you hear me?

- Yeah.

That's Von Slurpy.

What?

Yeah, and missus.

- Oh, my God. He's old.

- Let's go.

Hey.

Iris, hey.

- Hi.

- Hey.

- Hi. Good.

- How are you?

Uh, Lisette, this is Iris.

She's one of my students.

I'm advising her on her thesis.

- Catherine. Hi.

- Hi.

Hey, nice to meet you.

They, uh, grew up in

Ansbury, just right near here.

Oh! Just such a wonderful place

to grow up. It's so beautiful.

Yeah, it is.

Gerald's a really great professor.

You know, he's also a really good bowler.

Uh... Stop.

Where...

I was looking for one of those

toasters that pop up, you know.

Really?

Yeah, you know, the timer things.

I just gonna go look over

here and see if one's there.

- Good to see you guys.

- Bye.

Wow. I'm, like, really thirsty right now.

Yeah, me, too.

I know, it's hot as balls.

Gerald was saying something

about the smog layer

preventing the heat from escaping.

That's f***ed up.

I'm dying to check out her linens.

A box over there. It's

nice to meet you guys.

Nice to meet you.

I have to go over there.

This is a hideously small town.

Mmm.

- You want a blowj*b in the barn?

- That's not funny.

It's a little funny.

Hey, Gerald!

- Hey, Catherine, we should go!

- Otherwise, we're gonna be...

- Yeah, we're gonna be late for church!

- Yeah.

Bye. Nice to meet you.

- Bye.

- See you.

- That was insane.

- I'm insane.

F***, our record.

Come on. Let's go.

I feel dirty and naughty.

In a bad way.

Our relationship lives in a dark closet.

It's like a poison mushroom.

I'm sorry.

Why can't we go out around here?

In a non-touchy way?

Are you 21?

Yeah.

Sh*t!

Hey, are you in line?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. I'm going.

What?

Wait! Iris!

- No. No.

- Stop. Stop.

- What are you doing with him?

- I don't know.

Why would you be with

someone that hates you?

It's f***ed up!

And you're so happy with me?

You make it worse!

- Why would you say that?

- Hey, what are you doing?

I'm doing exactly what you're doing, Iris.

Not knowing what the f*** I'm doing!

- Okay.

- Mmm-hmm.

At least I know it's not love.

Are you all right?

What's going on?

Let's just go.

I told him I love him.

- What? What?

- What?

What did he say?

It was so f***ing beautiful.

He said, "I love you"

back and it's so insane.

Don't worry. I love you, too.

Hey, we need to get out of the car, guys.

Where's Mae?

We got blood everywhere.

Come on. We have to go. Come on.

- No.

- Come on, come on.

We have to go, come on.

Come on.

Come on.

I thought you were...

I got you. I've got you, I've

got you. Come on. Come on.

Stop.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I was just driving.

It was nothing.

I just flicked the cigarette out my

window, and it just got away from me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey.

It's Sunday, we don't have

to be talking on the phone.

Hello.

It's the lawyer, Dan.

Are you cold?

What?

Are you cold?

No.

Iris!

Sh*t!

Sh*t. Sh*t.

Iris?

Jesus, Catherine!

They're filing a civil suit. Mae's parents.

They're suing me for wrongful death.

Can they do that?

Yeah.

Hey, Lon, do you have

Harvey Faulkner's cell phone?

One of my students is in legal trouble and

I wanted her to talk to

him as soon as possible.

Can you give me a call?

All right.

My lawyer is fine.

He has a certain...

They can't prove you did anything wrong.

- I didn't.

- No, you didn't.

They say Catherine recently confessed

to averting her eyes from the road

to toss a cigarette out the window,

and that after that she

lost control of the car.

That moment, hands leaving the wheel,

that constitutes a failure

to pay attention to the road.

That's negligence.

Jesus, Catherine!

You told someone that?

Billy!

Billy, please open up.

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