Panto!

1

Da-da da-da-da-da-da!

And again.

I'm so sorry. Oh, for god's sake,

Chantelle, concentrate.

Forget it.

Let's just go to work.

So that's the band named after a

one-armed swimmer. One Direction.

Come on, leave it.

It's a little bit too early for that.

This is Lewis Loud in the morning.

Lewis Loud, standing proud.

"It's a beautiful

winter's day out there."

"And tonight is going to be

a beautiful night

because, tonight,

I star in my first ever panto."

Dick Whittington."

You should see my producer's face.

She's in bits, she's so excited

about this, aren't you, Debs?

"Wooh!" "Today's a very exciting

day at the panto because we've

got our final dress rehearsal."

"I'm playing Jack the Lad,

which people might say

is typecasting."

But seriously,

this is a show for all the family.

And what a top-quality cast

we've got for you.

"Probably the best there's ever

been." Come on. Sell, sell, sell.

"We've got Chesney Hawkes."

Chesney Hakes.

"Whose song The One And Only

was in the top-twenty

of all songs bought in the 1990s."

"Coming in at number 20.

Yes, what a nice bloke."

"And a legend. I should know,

I share a dressing room with him."

"That's true.

You've got two legends in one room."

"Ooh, er, missus."

"Along with Chesney,

there's the breathtakingly

beautiful Tamsin Taylor."

"Better known as

serial killer Mad Mindy

from the nation's favourite soap."

"If you thought

she was a killer on telly,

you should see her in real life."

"She will definitely

take your breath away,

even when she's dressed as a fella."

"Chase me." "That's some cracker

I wouldn't mind pulling for Christmas

or finding in my stocking."

We've also got rising star

Chantelle Jenkins.

Don't slouch, Chantelle.

One mention on the radio

doesn't make you a star.

"Our producer,

veteran panto performer Di Jenkins,

is playing the fairy." Veteran?

"Everyone knows

in a panto you need a dame."

"And we've got the

Shakespearean actor Johnny Darby,

the man best known for his role

as King Lear on Channel 5."

"Yes, he was in

Channel 5's King Lear."

"People say he only got the part

because he went to school

with Shakespeare."

"I'm only joking. He's not that old."

"With a cast like that,

beg, steal or borrow a ticket,

cos what could possibly go wrong?"

Argh!

Who's the unlucky lady? Eh? You must

be seeing somebody in that panto.

Since you started rehearsals,

you've been late every day.

Not every day, Debs.

Er, four times this week.

There you go. Not every day.

It's only Thursday.

A word to the wise.

Think with that and not with that.

Just be here on time tomorrow, OK?

All I know is, Di,

the show is set in London

and you've given me old Peking.

I'm recycling

from last year's Aladdin.

Design are giving us

a complete make-over.

Look, there's Big Ben.

It's the Gherkin. A gherkin?

You know my opening line? "Hello,

boys and girls, how are you doing?"

Can I change that to, "Hello, boys

and girls, how are you diddling?"

Inspired. I think that I'm more

of a diddler than a doer. Really?

Diddler, my arse.

He called me old on the radio.

Look, do you think Kylie gets upset

when she's called

a veteran pop star?

Well, that's not the first time

I've been likened to her.

What are we going to do

about the Chesney situation?

Re-cast?

Why? Did the hospital get it wrong?

You can have that.

Have it. Put it in.

I can't do without him now.

It's opening night. Yes, but-

If he can breathe, he's in.

If he can sing, it's a bonus.

That's debatable.

Morning, Greg.

Am I allowed to say he's grumpy?

He'll be all right. Like most men,

he just wants a bigger part.

Actors! Don't touch the scenery.

Ooh, babes, you were amazing

on the radio this morning.

I wanted to shout it from

the rooftops, "That's my man."

And you were amazing last night.

Who'd have thought strip KerPlunk

could be that much fun?

Is this the first time

you've kissed a man?

Since I last went to Bangkok, yeah.

Oh! Sorry.

After.

"Are you standing proud?

It's me Lewis..."

If he won't answer,

we'll drop you at the theatre.

See how he likes that.

Paul, you are looking forward

to staying with your dad? Am I?

You slap a smile on your face,

you miserable mare.

Don't go all guilty

on me now, Gina.

I can't help it, it's Christmas.

You have him for 51 weeks

of the year. It's about time his

dad did a bit. It's only one week.

It's all arranged. Come on!

"Are you standing proud?"

There was a chap on my jaw,

my brother has the most

extraordinary sense of humour.

That's terrific stuff, John.

How kind. I really need a wee.

Cue Tamsin.

Hello, boys and girls. My name

is Dick... Stop! Stop! Finlay?!

Where's Greg? He is in this scene.

Well, he... Er...

No, don't explain.

Just go get him, it'll be quicker.

Now, we're going to carry on

as if he were here.

And, Chantelle.

Um... Oh, my! What a lovely p*ssy.

He looks like he eats his Go-Cat.

Sorry. It's really hard

saying it to an empty space.

Oh, come on, darling. Focus.

Compliments like that, fair damsel,

will get you everywhere.

Do I look like a damsel in distress?

No, but you look like

a damsel in dat dress.

The name's Whittington.

Dick Whittington.

And I am Alice. That must be why

I feel like I'm in Wonderland.

Might I kiss you, fair Alice?

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Tamsin off. And...

Like A Virgin

Sorry, I've forgotten the line.

OK. Just sing.

I made it through the wilderness

Somehow I made it through

Didn't know how lost I was

Until I found you

I was beat

Incomplete

I've been had

I was sad and blue

But you made me feel

Yeah, you made me feel

Shiny and new

"# Like a virgin"

"# Touched for the very first time"

"# Like a vir-ir-ir-ir-gin"

Hello? You know you're...

Just getting my tail on. We're

on a tight...

Oh, sh*t.

Everyone! Everyone, stay close.

We should be able

to get back in v. shortly.

Listen...

We have to do something

about Like A Virgin.

I know. The staging is awful.

No, I mean-

It's all right. I've got an idea.

After the show tonight, do you

want to go and get some fajitas.

OMG. I adore fajitas.

We've got so much in common, babes.

- What's your favourite filling?

- Lewis!

Lewis.

You were supposed to be at ours

two hours ago. Since when?

Since we made the arrangements

back in October. October?

Me and Tony are going

to Puerto Banus for Christmas.

We won a competition

for writing that jingle

about the toilet cleaner.

You want your loo

to be really spesh?

Try a little squirt

with Toilet Fresh.

Good him, isn't he?

Bet your Valentine's cards are ace.

Which means you're having our Paul

for a week. Or had you forgotten?

Of course I hadn't.

All right, mate. Are you sure

you'll be all right with him?

You'll be busy in the evenings.

You can sit in the dressing room.

You OK with that?

All right, babe?

Stay away from her.

I'm not really a serial killer.

That was a part.

Now, behave yourself. He'll be fine.

I wasn't talking to him.

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