Paper Heart Page #5

of ordering the BL

is saying, "I'll have a BLT,"

and the simplicity of it,

- and they know what you want.

- Well, mine is pretty simple.

It just doesn't have the bacon.

It has cheese and pickles.

The sandwich is simple,

but ordering it isn't simple, I mean.

So just order your weird

pickle cheese sandwich...

Whatever.

...and say, "Can you bring me

all the fixings?"

What are you gonna get?

I think I'm gonna get

the Mexican beach salad.

I want to say that to the waiter.

Yeah, sounds very exotic.

A Mexican beach salad, yeah.

He'll look at me and think,

"Oh, this guy gets around."

Pretend I'm the waiter.

Hi, can I take your order, please?

- A Mexican beach salad.

- You got it.

Now.

I really didn't like you

when I first met you.

Yeah, I know.

How could you tell?

Well, it was pretty obvious.

Yeah?

You were pretty hasty

with your judgment.

- Was I?

- Little did you know

that I would be someone

that would be taking you out to lunch.

And you kept avoiding me.

And you kept

walking away from me.

You really didn't like me.

Yes.

Okay, I won't waste your time.

Hey.

Sorry that took so long.

That didn't go as I planned.

- You're a jerk. You're awful.

- I didn't think it would take that long.

I had to walk

all the way around.

I just thought

it would be a quick thing.

Sorry. Did you think

I really left?

Yeah.

Funny, though, right?

I'll pay for your lunch.

You're bribing me?

You're bribing my heart?

Yeah.

That's right.

Oh.

- Turn turn turn!

- Wow.

Argh!

Whoa.

Give it a throw.

There it is.

Oh.

Hey, guys,

you guys want to do

anything like...

anything like an arm around each other

or a kiss or anything?

This is fine.

- Forget it then.

- Thanks for the tip.

Keep going, whatever you guys

wanna do.

They weren't into it.

How did you guys meet?

First time we didn't meet, actually.

- First time we didn't meet.

- He stood me up.

- Really? Why?

- I didn't.

I was supposed to meet him

at a restaurant.

Go ahead and tell the story,

or the lie.

- You tell the lie.

- Yeah, go for it.

He never lets me forget this.

We set out to meet.

I had just moved to town.

He said, "Do you know this place?"

I said, "Yeah."

I didn't know the place.

I went to the wrong restaurant

and I'm like, "That's not the restaurant

I thought it was."

And so I had to think

quick on my feet.

I just like called, "Uh, I had to take

my nephew to the hospital.

Sorry." So I lied.

So I meet him a week later and I was like,

"Oh, so how is your nephew doing?"

He's like, "What do you mean?"

- Busted.

- I'm a really bad liar.

Your second date, when you actually met,

what happened there?

I think we had sex.

- Second date... yeah, I think, yeah.

- Oh.

- We're gay. That's what you do.

- Yeah, no.

- Really?

- Not really. I don't know, maybe.

Not all gay guys, but we do.

I think it was something

really charming

- like a parking lot.

- No, it wasn't.

- Yeah, it was.

- Not me.

You guys met at a parking lot

and you guys did it?

No, not in the parking lot, no.

We went back to his house

and watched a movie, I think.

Check this out...

when I'm in his house...

- I forgot how much dirt he has on me.

...you're looking at the sh*t

people have on their

mantel and stuff,

and like, "Oh, books books,

tchotchke,

dead boyfriend,

books, books, tchotchke."

- He had his dead boyfriend cremated...

- His ashes.

- Oh, man.

- So I almost flipped out.

I was like, "That's a little creepy."

It was really creepy.

Do you guys want

to get married?

He proposed.

I said no.

People that I know are married

aren't happy,

most of them,

the straight ones.

And the gay ones

aren't really happy either.

It's like, what's the point?

And for us it's not real.

And you believe in marriage?

Basically if a piece of paper says

that he can be covered

by my insurance...

- that's a good thing.

- Yeah.

And we've been together 10 years.

He doesn't have insurance.

Have you guys ever had

your heart broken?

Um, a lot, actually.

When you're gay and, like, you...

I'm not really attracted

to effeminate dudes,

so when you're in high school,

you're growing up,

you're in college or whatever,

you tend to fall for the straight guy.

And that doesn't tend

to work out.

What about you?

I didn't have my heart broken

so much.

You know, I had an ex in a box.

It wasn't like he broke my heart...

- Yeah.

...did anything to me,

but, you know, he died on me,

the bastard.

It's like, you could have just said,

"I don't like you anymore," and left.

But no, he had to die.

I can't with my left hand.

Jab jab, boom!

Good, come at me now.

One, two, strike!

The other night I had this dream.

And I was onstage

and a spotlight hit me,

and when I looked down

I was wearing this beautiful pink dress

and my hair was

all blonde and curly.

I tried to do magic

before my song,

but it didn't work.

It was like...

it was like I'd lost my zing.

Do you think it's 'cause

you're with Mike

and you're afraid you're becoming,

like, all girlie and stuff?

I don't know.

I've never been one of the girls, you know?

- Yeah.

- I want to be his girlfriend,

but I don't want to be

"the girlfriend."

I mean, no one ever

remembers "the girlfriend."

Sure. You want to be

one of the dudes.

I am one of the dudes.

Well...

How would you define

a divorce?

I think probably the best

definition of divorce

is the taking of two people

who once proclaimed

their love for each other

and separating them

as far as you can apart.

Why is there so many divorces?

Well, one thing is they're not

getting to know each other enough

before they decide to get married,

and they get married too quick.

That could be one thing.

And another thing is, you know,

we're not a very patient society.

And so I think that maybe people

get into relationships,

and if they're not exactly

the way they want them

and there's no quick fix,

they just give up.

Do you think that this job

has given you perspective on love

or changed it at all?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, the people I see in here...

makes me realize

that there are many many people

more dysfunctional than I.

That's nice.

That's reassuring.

When we go home at night,

we've spent all day

hearing clients,

or people in his court,

you know, say terrible things

about each other

and talk about the terrible ways

they're treated each other.

We both go home at night and think,

"Whew, aren't we lucky?

We don't have all those problems."

And it really gives you

a different perspective, I think.

If you can hang in there

and you really love 'em,

it gets better all the time.

Well, that, and the learning to overlook

other people's shortcomings.

We all have bad breath

when we wake up in the morning.

That's true.

Accepting the fact

that just because he says,

"Pull this finger," and giggles...

you can get along with that.

Sally and I met in Houston in,

oh, I guess, 1980.

I was working as an associate judge

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