Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python

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Good evening.

In the late 1960s,

a comic force emerged

which was so original,

so zany,

so fabulously different,

that many people felt that

the world of entertainment

had been changed forever.

Intelligent, some would

say even intellectual,

yet massively popular.

Subtle, but also simple.

Dangerous, but warm.

Visual, but still

enormously literate.

Big-hearted, generous,

anarchic,

and above all, funny.

Brilliantly funny.

But enough about me.

What about this

Monty Python crowd?

Well, some people

like 'em, I guess.

The pythons--

Undoubtedly one

of the greatest

writer/performer teams

of the 20th century.

Young, talented,

and virile,

and incredibly,

they were British.

Six fantastically gifted,

unforgettable guys--

John, Paul, George, Ringo...

Bob, and...

One other unforgettable guy.

They were tall,

they were beautiful,

they were crazy.

I'm not going to say that bit.

I can't.

Because it's a lie, that's why.

I'll tell you why

I can't say it.

Because its not in my--

I love them.

Over the next hour,

I'm going to be

showing you a selection

of the very best

of Monty Python's work.

Much of it has been

seen before.

In fact, many, many,

many, many times before.

But never in this form.

But first, we have

a little surprise for you.

Some brand-new

Monty Python material

never before seen in this country.

If you've never seen

Monty Python before,

you won't have never seen

anything like this.

Enjoy.

[William Tell overture plays]

Hooray, you've done it!

Well done!

[speaking foreign language]

[moo]

[moo]

[moo]

[moo]

[moo]

[moo]

[speaking foreign language]

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha oh ho!

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Monty Python--

nutty, zany, crazy.

[poot]

Welcome to Munich for

the 27th Silly Olympiad,

an event held traditionally

every 3.7 years,

which this year

has brought competitors

From over four million

different countries.

Here we are at the start

of the first event--

The semi-final

of the 100 yards

for people with no sense

of direction.

I'll present

the competitors--

Lane 1, Kolomowski.

Lane 2, Zatapathique.

Lane 3, Grobovich.

Next to him, Drabbel.

Next to him, Clanades of Spain,

and in the outside lane,

Bormann of Brazil.

[gunshot]

Well, that was fun,

wasn't it?

And now, over to the

other end of the stadium.

We're waiting for the start

of the 1,500 meters

for the deaf.

They're under starter's orders.

[gunshot]

We'll be coming back

the moment there's any action.

Over to the swimming.

You join us at the absurd pool

just in time for the 200 meters

freestyle for non-swimmers.

Watch for the top

Australian champion Ron Barnett

in the second lane.

[blows whistle]

We'll be bringing you back here

the moment they start

fishing the corpses out.

Now over to Hans Kleig for

the marathon for incontinents...

Well, we've got

an enormous entry--

44 competitors from

29 different countries,

all of them with the most

superbly weak bladders.

Not a tight sphincter in sight.

Ready to embark, nevertheless,

on the world's longest race,

and they're just aching to go.

Get set.

[gunshot]

And they're off!

They're off!

Well done.

Back at the 1,500 meters,

and the starter's putting up

a magnificent show.

Get set!

We've had scattered

random fire, fusillade, firing.

We can't get

the buggers moving.

It's enough to make you

chew your own foot off.

We're back with the marathon

for incontinents.

Theres Polinsky in the lead.

Now Aburro has taken over!

There's the runner from France!

Aburro has overtaken him!

There goes Byrd!

There goes Gurney of Austria!

Now it's Olvares of Cuba,

followed by the Norwegian.

There's McNorton,

McNorton, the Scottish lad,

but he can't hold it.

Makiovich of Yugoslavia

has taken the lead.

These must be some

of the weakest bladders

ever to represent

their countries.

Stand and deliver!

Drop that gun!

[gunshot]

Let that be

a warning to you all.

No false moves, please.

I want you to hand over

all the lupines you've got.

Lupines?

Yes, lupines.

Come on, come on.

What do you mean, lupines?

Don't try and play for time.

You mean the flower lupines?

That's right.

We havent got any lupines.

Look, my fine friends,

I happen to know

That this is the lupine express.

You're out

of your tiny mind.

Get out of the coach.

Come on, get out!

Just as I thought.

Not clever enough,

my fine friends.

Come on, concord.

# Dennis Moore,

Dennis Moore #

# riding through

the night #

# soon every lupine

in the land #

# will be in

his mighty hand #

# he steals them

from the rich #

# and gives them

to the poor #

# mr. Moore #

# mr. Moore #

# mr. Moore #

[moaning]

Try to eat some, my dear.

It'll give you strength.

Oh, mr. Moore. Mr. Moore,

she's going fast.

Don't worry, I've...

I've brought you something.

Medicine at last?

No.

Food?

Nope.

Some blankets perhaps?

Clothes? Wood for the fire?

Nope.

Lupines.

Oh, christ!

I thought you'd like them.

I'm sick to death of them!

So am I!

She's bloody dying,

and all you bring is lupines!

All we've eaten for the last

four bleeding weeks

is lupine soup, roast lupine,

Steamed lupine,

braised lupine

in lupine sauce,

lupine in a basket

with sauted lupines,

lupine meringue pie,

lupine sorbet.

We sit on lupines,

we sleep in lupines,

we feed the cat

on lupines!

We burn lupines,

we even wear

the bloody things!

Looks very smart.

Shut up! We're sick

with their stench!

[meow]

[thud]

Look!

The cat's just choked

itself to death on them!

I don't care if I never

see another lupine again!

Why don't you go out

and steal something useful?

Like what?

Like gold and silver

and clothes

and wood and jewels--

Hang on,

I'll get a piece of paper.

# Dennis Moore,

Dennis Moore #

# dum dum dum

the night #

# Dennis Moore,

Dennis Moore #

# dum de dum dum plight #

# he steals dum dum dum #

# and dum dum dum

dum dee #

# Dennis dum #

# Dennis dee #

# dum dum dum #

In this picture,

there are 40 people.

None of them can be seen.

We hope to show you

how not to be seen.

This is mr. E.R. Bradshaw

of Napier Court,

Black Lion Road, Southeast 5.

He cannot be seen.

Now, I'm going

to ask him to stand up.

Mr. Bradshaw, will you

stand up, please?

[gunshot]

This demonstrates the value

of not being seen.

In this picture, we cannot

see mrs. B.J. Smegma

of 13, The Crescent, Belmont.

Mrs. Smegma, will you

stand up, please?

[gunshot]

This is mr. Nesbitt

of Harlow New Town.

Mr. Nesbitt, will you

stand up, please?

Mr. Nesbitt has learned

the first lesson

of not being seen--

Not to stand up.

However, he has chosen

a very obvious piece of cover.

Mr. E.V. Lambert

of Homeleigh,

The Burrows, Oswestry,

has presented us with a poser.

We do not know

which bush he is behind,

but we can soon find out.

Aah!

Yes, it was

the middle one.

[orchestra plays Blue Danube]

Oh, no, not again.

Oh, come on.

Stand and deliver again!

Your money, your jewellery,

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