Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #2

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your--hang on.

"Your clothes, your snuff,

"your ornaments,

your glassware,

"your pussycats...

Don't say anything

about the lupines.

Your watches, your lace,

your spittoons..."

# Dennis Moore,

Dennis Moore #

# riding

through the woods #

# Dennis Moore,

Dennis Moore #

# with a bag of things #

# he gives to the poor #

# and he takes

from the rich #

# Dennis Moore #

# Dennis Moore #

Here we are.

# Dennis Moore #

[Also Sprach Zarathustra

plays]

[crowd cheers]

Good evening.

Tonight is indeed

a unique occasion

in the history of television.

We are very privileged

and deeply honoured

to have with us

in the studio Karl Marx,

founder of modern socialism

and author of the

communist manifesto,

Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov,

better known to the world

as Lenin,

leader of

the Russian revolution,

writer, statesman, and

father of modern communism,

Che Guevara,

the Cuban guerrilla leader,

and mao tse-tung,

leader of the Chinese

communist party since 1949.

The first question

is for you, Karl Marx.

The Hammers.

The Hammers is the nickname

of what English football team?

The Hammers?

No? Well, bad luck there, Karl.

So we'll go to you, Che.

Che Guevara, Coventry City

last won the F.A. Cup

in what year?

No?

I'll throw it open.

Coventry City last won

the F.A. Cup in what year?

I'm not surprised

you didn't get that.

It was, in fact,

a trick question.

Coventry City have never won

the F.A. Cup.

With the scores all equal,

we go on to our second round.

Lenin, it's your starter for 10.

Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr

won the Eurovision

Song Contest in 1959.

What was the name

of the song?

Teddy Johnson

and Pearl Carr's song

In the 1959 song contest?

Anybody? No?

[buzzer]

Yes, mao tse-tung?

Sing, little birdie?

Yes, it was, indeed.

Well challenged.

Well, now we come to

our special gift section.

The contestant is Karl Marx,

and the prize this week is

a beautiful lounge suite.

Karl has elected

to answer questions

on the workers'

control of factories,

so here we go with

question number one.

Are you nervous?

"The development of

the industrial proletariat

is conditioned by

what other development?"

The development of the

industrial bourgeoisie.

Yes. Yes, it is, indeed.

You're on your way

to your lounge suite, Karl.

Question number two--

"The struggle

of class against class

is a what struggle?"

A political struggle.

Yes, yes.

One final question, Karl,

and the beautiful

lounge suite will be yours.

You going to have a go?

You're a brave man.

Karl Marx,

your final question--

"Who won the cup final

in 1949?"

Uh, the workers control

the means of production.

The struggle of

the urban proletariat.

No. It was

Wolverhampton Wanderers

who beat Leicester 3-1.

[announcer] And here

come the Germans now,

led by their skipper

Nobby Hegel.

They've certainly attracted

the most attention

from the press

with their team problems.

Let's now see their line-up.

The Germans playing 4-2-4,

Leibniz in goal,

Back four--kant, Hegel,

Schopenhauer, and Schelling,

Front runners Schlegel, Wittgenstein,

Nietzsche, and Heidegger,

and the midfield duo

of Beckenbauer and Jaspers.

Beckenbauer obviously

a bit of a surprise there.

[crowd cheers]

And here come the Greeks,

led by their veteran

centre half Heraclitus.

Their team, as you'd expect,

is a much more

defensive line-up.

Plato's in goal,

Socrates a front runner,

And Aristotle as sweeper--

Aristotle very much

the man in form.

One surprise is

the inclusion of Archimedes.

Here comes the referee

K'ung Futzu Confucius

and his two linesmen Saint Augustine

and Saint Thomas Aquinas.

As the two skippers come

together to shake hands,

we're ready for the start

of this exciting final.

The referee mr. Confucius

checks his sound...

[blows whistle]

And they're off.

Nietzsche and Hegel there.

Karl Jaspers number 7

on the outside.

Wittgenstein there with him.

There's Beckenbauer.

Schelling's in there,

Heidegger covering.

Schopenhauer.

And now it's the Greeks--

Epicurus.

Plotinus number 6.

Aristotle.

Empedocles of Acragas

and Democritus with him.

There's Archimedes.

Socrates--there he is--

Socrates.

Socrates there going through.

There's the ball.

There's the ball.

There may be no score,

but there's certainly

no lack of excitement here.

Nietzsche has just been booked

for arguing with the referee.

He accused Confucius

of having no free will,

and Confucius, he say,

"Name go in book."

We've just over a minute left.

There's Archimedes.

And I think he's had an idea.

Eureka!

Archimedes, Socrates,

Socrates back to Archimedes.

Archimedes to Heraclitus.

He beats Hegel.

Heraclitus a little flick.

Here he comes

on the far post--

Socrates is there!

Socrates has scored.

The Greeks are going mad.

Socrates scores.

The Germans are disputing it.

Hegel is arguing reality is

Merely an a priori adjunct

of non-absolutist ethics.

Kant is holding that

logic can be possessed

only in the imagination.

But Confucius blasts them

with a final whistle.

It's all over.

Morning, squadron leader.

What-ho, Squiffy?

How was it?

Top hole. Bally jerry

pranged his kite

right in the how's your father.

Hairy blighter, dicky-birded,

feathered back on his sammy,

took a waspy,

flipped over

his betty harper's,

and caught his can

in the bertie.

Uh, afraid I dont quite

follow you, squadron leader.

Give us it slower.

Banter's not the same

if you say it slower.

Hold on, then. Wingo.

Bend an ear to the squadron

leader's banter, would you?

Can do.

Jolly good.

Fire away.

Bally jerry...

pranged his kite...

right in the

how's your father...

Hairy blighter...

dicky-birded...

feathered back on his sammy...

Took a waspy...

flipped over

on his betty harper's...

and caught his can

in the bertie.

No, I don't understand

that banter at all.

Something up with

my banter, chaps?

[airplane overhead]

Bunch of monkeys

on the ceiling, sir!

Grab your egg and fours

and let's get

the bacon delivered.

Do you understand that?

No, not a word of it.

Sorry, old man.

We dont understand your banter.

You know, bally ten-penny ones

dropping in the custard.

I still don't get it.

Um...

Cabbage crates

coming over the briny?

No. No. No.

Ferdinand von Zeppelin

was born in Constance in 1838,

the brother of Barry Zeppelin,

the least talented of

the 14 Zeppelin brothers.

Hmm.

What exactly are

the commercial possibilities

of ovine aviation?

Bonsoir. Ici nous avons

les diagrammes modernes

d'un mounton Anglo-Francais.

[continues in French]

Maintenant...

Baa baa baa...

Nous avons dans la tete,

Le cabine. Ici, on se trouve

le petit capitaine Anglais

monsieur Trubshawe.

Vive Brian, wherever you are.

D'accord, d'accord.

Maintenant, je vous

presente mon collegue,

le pouf celebre

Jean-Brian Zatapathique.

Merci.

Maintenant, le mouton,

le landing, les wheels.

Bon.

Les wheels, ici.

C'est formidable,

n'est ce pas est bon?

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