Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #3

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[continues unintelligibly]

Baa baa baa.

Le derriere du mouton...

Choo choo choo.

Merci beaucoup.

Mais...

O sont les bagages?

O sont les bagages?

O est le voyageur?

Le voyageur.

Merci.

Les voyageurs!

Les bagages!

Ils sont ici!

Et maintenant...

Baa baa.

Baa baa.

Baa baa.

Fantastique.

Un, deux, trois.

Baa baa!

Baa baa!

[music plays]

And now for something

completely different.

Gentlemen, we have

two basic suggestions

for the design of this

architectural block--

The residential block.

I thought it best that

the architects themselves

came in to explain the

advantages of both designs.

[knock on door]

That must be the first

architect now.

Ah, yes, it's mr. Wiggin

of Ironside and Malone.

Good morning, gentlemen.

This is a 12-story block,

combining classical

neo-Georgian features

with all the advantages

of modern design.

The tenants arrive

in the entrance hall,

are carried along the corridor

on a conveyor belt,

and pass murals depicting

Mediterranean scenes,

towards the rotating knives.

The last 20 feet

of the corridor

are heavily soundproofed.

The blood pours down

these chutes,

and the mangled flesh

slurps into these--

Excuse me.

Did you say knives?

Oh, rotating knives. Yes.

Are you proposing

to slaughter our tenants?

Does that not fit in

with your plans?

No, no. We wanted

a simple block of flats.

I see. I hadn't correctly

divined your attitude

towards your tenants.

You see, I mainly design

slaughterhouses.

Yes, a pity.

This is a real beaut.

None of your blood

caked on the walls

and flesh flying

out of the windows,

inconveniencing passers-by.

Well done, but we did want

a block of flats.

Won't you reconsider?

Think of the tourist trade.

It's just that we wanted

a block of flats

and not an abattoir.

Yes, well, of course.

That's the sort

of philistine, pig ignorance

I've come to expect

from you non-creative garbage.

You sit there on your loathsome,

spotty behinds

squeezing blackheads,

not caring a tinkers cuss

about the struggling artist.

You excrement!

You lousy, hypocritical,

old whining toadies

with your lousy colour TV sets

and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs

and your bleeding

masonic handshakes!

You wouldn't let

me join, would you?

You blackballing bastards!

I wouldn't become

a freemason now

if you went down on your lousy,

stinking, purulent knees

and begged me!

We're sorry

you feel like that,

but we did want a block of flats,

nice though the abattoir is.

Oh, pfft the abattoir.

If you could put in

a word for me,

I'd love to be a freemason.

If I was a mason,

I'd sit at the back

and not get in anyone's way.

Thank you.

I've got a second-hand apron.

Thank you.

I nearly got in at Hendon.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about that, gentlemen.

The second architect is a mr. Leavey

of Wymis and Dibble.

Good morning, gentlemen.

This is a scale model

of the block.

There are 28 stories

with 280 modern apartments.

There are three main lifts

and two service lifts.

Access would be

from Dibbingley Road.

Uh, the structure is built on

a central pillar system

with cantilevered floors in

prestressed steel and concrete.

The dividing walls

on each floor section

are fixed with recessed magnalium

flanged groov--

By avoiding wood

and timber derivatives

and all other inflammables,

we've almost totally

removed the risk of...

Quite frankly, I think

the central pillar system

may need strengthening a bit.

Won't the cost rise?

It might.

Well, I don't know

whether I'd worry about

strengthening that much.

They're not meant

to be luxury flats.

I quite agree, provided the

Tenants are of light build

and relatively sedentary.

I think we're on to a winner.

Oh, thank you!

What other ways are there

of recognizing a mason?

Good morning.

I'm sorry to have

kept you waiting,

but I'm afraid my walk has become

rather sillier recently,

so it takes me rather long.

Now, then, what was it again?

Well, sir, I--

I have a silly walk,

and I'd like to obtain

a government grant

to help me develop it.

May I see your silly walk?

Yes, certainly. Yes.

Uh, that's it, is it?

Yes. That's it. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

It's not particularly

silly, is it?

The right leg

isn't silly at all,

and the left leg merely does

a forward aerial half turn

Every alternate step.

With backing, I could

make it very silly.

The very real problem

is one of money.

I'm afraid the ministry

of silly walks

is no longer getting

the support it needs.

You see, there's defence,

social security,

health, housing,

education, silly walks.

They're all supposed

to get the same,

but last year,

the government spent less

On the ministry

of silly walks

than it did on national defence.

Now we get 348 million a year,

which is supposed to be spent

on all our available products.

Coffee?

Yes, please.

Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you bring

us in two coffees, please?

Yes, mr. Tea Bag.

Out of her mind.

And now the Japanese have a man

who can bend his leg

back over his head

and back again

with every single step,

while the Israelis--

ah, here's the coffee.

Thank you. Lovely.

You're really interested

in silly walks, aren't you?

Oh, rather.

Well, take a look

at this, then.

They're under

starter's orders

for this very valuable

Queen Victoria handicap.

And they're off.

Queen Victoria

got a clean jump off,

followed by Queen Victoria,

Queen Victoria,

and Queen Victoria.

It's Queen Victoria,

Queen Victoria,

and Queen Victoria

making the early running

on the inside.

At the back, Queen Victoria

already behind the leaders.

Queen Victoria moved up

to challenge Queen Victoria

with Queen Victoria

losing ground.

Queen Victoria

still the back marker

as they approach

the halfway mark,

But suddenly

pass Queen Victoria

with Queen Victoria

still well-placed

as they approach

the first fence.

And at the first fence,

it's Queen Victoria

ahead of Queen Victoria

and Queen Victoria

falling away.

Queen Victoria losing ground,

and Queen Victoria

tucked away neatly.

Queen Victoria

still the back marker

as they approach

the halfway mark.

They're making ground...

[knock on door]

Oh, dad.

Look whos come to see us.

It's our Ken.

[spits]

About bloody time,

if you ask me.

Aren't you pleased

to see me, father?

Of course hes pleased to see you.

All right, woman.

All right.

I've got a tongue in me head.

I'll do the talkin'.

Bli'. I like your fancy suit.

Is that what they're wearin'

up in Yorkshire now?

It's just an ordinary

suit, father.

It's all I've got

apart from the overalls.

How do you like it

down in the mine?

It's not too bad, mum.

We're using new

tungsten carbide drills

for the preliminary

coal-face operations.

That sounds nice, dear.

Tungsten carbide drills?

What the bloody hell's

tungsten carbide drills?

It's something they use

in coal mining.

"It's something they use

in coal mining."

You're bloody fancy talk

since you left London.

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