Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #4

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Not that again.

He's had a hard day.

His new play opens at

National Theatre tomorrow.

Oh, that's good.

Good? Good?

What do you know about

getting up at 5 A.M.

to fly to Paris, back at

the old Vic for drinks,

sweating the day through press

interviews, television interviews,

then getting back to wrestle

with the problem

of a homosexual

nymphomaniac drug addict

involved in the ritual murder

Of a well-known

Scottish footballer?

That's a full working day, lad!

Dont shout at the boy, father.

Hampstead wasn't good enough

for you, was it?

You had to go

poncing off to Barnsley,

you and your coal mining friends.

Coal mining is a

wonderful thing, father,

but it's something

you'll never understand.

Just look at you!

Oh, ken, be careful.

You know what he's like

after a few novels.

Come on, lad. Come on.

Out with it.

What's wrong with me?

Yer tit!

I'll tell you

what's wrong--

Your head's addled

with novels and poems.

You come home reeling of

Chateau La Tour.

Look what you've

done to mother.

She's worn out

meeting film stars,

attending premieres,

giving gala luncheons.

There's naught wrong

with gala luncheons, lad.

I've had more gala luncheons

than you've had hot dinners.

Oh, please!

Aah! Arrgh!

Oh, no!

What is it?

It's his writer's cramp.

You never told me about this.

We didn't like to, Kenny.

I'm all right, woman.

Just get him out of here.

Oh, Ken, you'd better go.

All right.

I'm going.

After all we've done for him.

One day you'll realize

there's more to life

than culture.

Theres dirt and smoke and sweat!

Get out, you labourer!

We'll continue

with a man with a stoat

through his head.

And now...

Oh, coochy, coochy,

coochy.

Wuchy little bitty

jelly bum.

# ah dee do yellow #

# dear little fellow #

Look at them blue eyes.

Twinkle in his eye.

This is a sweetie baby.

Come here.

Let me give him a cuddle.

He's a little dear, isn't he?

You shouldn't let him suck

on the thumby, my dear.

Oh, my god! No!

Don't touch it!

[pop]

What?

Oh, yes, he's such

a clever little boy,

just like his father.

Do you think so,

mrs. N*gger-Baiter?

Oh, yes.

Spitting image.

Good afternoon, mother.

Good afternoon,

mrs. N*gger-Baiter.

Ooh, hes walking already.

Yes, he's such a clever boy,

aren't you, coochy-coo?

Hello, oochy-coo.

Hello, oochy coochy.

Look at him laughing.

He's a chirpy little fellow,

isn't he?

Isn't he a chirpy

little fellow?

Does he talk?

Does he talk, eh?

Of course I can talk.

I'm minister

for overseas development.

Ooh, he's a clever little boy!

He's a clever little boy.

Do you like your rattle, eh?

Do you like your rattle?

Look at his little eyes

following it.

Look at his iggy piggy

Piggy little eyeballs.

Ooh, he's got

a tubby tum-tum.

Mother, could I have

a quick cup of tea?

I have an important

statement on Rhodesia

to make at the Commons at 6:00.

[explosion]

Mrs. N*gger-baiter's exploded.

Good thing, too.

She was my best friend.

Oh, mother.

Don't be so sentimental.

Things explode every day.

I've been a hunter all my life.

I love animals.

That's why I like to kill 'em.

I wouldn't kill an animal

I didn't like.

G'day, Roy.

Hank and Roy Spim are

tough, fearless backwoodsmen

who have chosen to live

in a violent,

unrelenting world

of nature's creatures

where only the fittest survive.

Today, they are off

to hunt mosquitoes.

[Roy] The mosquito's

a clever little bastard.

You can track him for days

until you really know him.

He knows you're there,

and you know he's there.

It's a game of wits.

You hate him,

then respect him,

then you kill him.

Suddenly Hank spots

the mosquito they're after.

Now, more than ever,

they must rely on skills

they have learned

from a lifetime's hunting.

Hank gauges the wind.

Roy examines

the mosquito's spoor.

Then...

It's a success.

The mosquito now is dead.

But Roy must make sure.

[Roy] There's nothing

more dangerous

than a wounded mosquito.

But the hunt is not over.

With well-practiced skill,

hank skins the mosquito.

The wings of a fully grown

male mosquito

can fetch anything

up to .8 of a penny

on the open market.

The long day is over,

and it's back to base camp

for a night's rest.

[snoring]

[loud banging]

What--what's going on?

What the hell is going--

Now I can't even sleep.

[snoring]

What--what are they doing?

[snoring]

[clang]

Wh--ab--da--bada--

What's going on?

Oh, I can't stand it.

Oh...

[snoring]

[alarm clock rings]

Oh!

That does it.

That does it!

Argh--humph--

What a lovely day!

Oh, I think I'm going to...

I say!

What a simply super day!

Gosh, yes!

Gosh, yes!

It's so...

You know...

Sunny!

Yes, isn't it?

I say, anyone for tennis?

Oh, super!

What fun.

I say, Lionel.

Catch.

Ohh!

Oh, crikey!

Oh, darn!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Oh...Oh...Oh!

Ah, yes, you must be

mr. Williams.

Well, do take a seat.

What seems to be

the trouble?

I've just been

stabbed by your nurse.

I probably better have

a look at you, then.

Could you fill in

this form first?

She just stabbed me!

Yes. She's

an unpredictable sort.

You seem to be bleeding

rather badly.

Hurry up.

Fill in that form.

Couldn't I fill it in

later, doctor?

No. You'd have bled

to death by then.

Can you hold a pen?

I'll try.

Jolly good.

It's a hell of a nuisance,

all this damn paperwork.

Really, it is.

It's a real nightmare,

this paperwork.

It really is

a hell of a nuisance.

Something ought to be

done about it.

Do I have to answer

everything?

No, no. Just fill in

as many as you can.

No need to go into

too much detail.

I dont know why we bother

with it all, really.

Such a nuisance.

Well, let's see

how you've done, then.

Oh, yes.

Oh, dear, oh dear.

That's not very good, is it?

Look, surely

you knew number four!

No, I didn't.

It's from the Merchant of Venice!

Right.

Now, I know some hospitals

where you get the patients

lying around in bed,

sleeping, resting, recuperating,

convalescing.

Well, that's not the way

we do things here, right?

No, you won't be

loafing about,

wasting the doctor's time.

You--you horrible

little cripple!

What's the matter with you?

Fractured tibia, sergeant.

"Fractured tibia, sergeant."

"Fractured tibia, sergeant."

Oh...Proper little

mummy's boy, are we?

Well, I'll tell you

something, my fine friend.

If you fracture a tibia here,

you keep quiet about it!

Look at him!

He's broke both his arms,

And he don't go shoutin'

about it, do he?

No, 'cause he's a man--

He's a woman, you see--

So don't come with that

broken-tibia talk with me!

Get on at the double.

1, 2, 3.

Pick that crutch up.

Pick that crutch right up!

Oh...

I got a triple fracture

of the right leg,

dislocated collarbone,

and multiple head injuries...

So I do most of the heavy work,

like helping the surgeon.

[interviewer]

What does that involve?

Well, at the moment,

we're building him

a holiday home.

What about the nurses?

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