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Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #5
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 1989
- 72 min
- 192 Views
Well, I don't know
about them.
They're not allowed to
mix with the patients.
Do all the patients work?
No. The ones that are
really ill do sport.
Yes, one thing
patients here dread
are the runs.
Inspector.
I'm terribly sorry, but I was
sitting on a park bench,
took my coat off for a minute,
and 15 taken from it.
Well, did you, uh,
see anyone take it?
Anyone hanging around?
No. There was no one there.
Well, there's not very much
we can do about that, sir.
Oh.
Do you want to come back to my place?
Yeah. All right.
[whistling]
There. Finished.
What?
I've finished cutting, cutting,
cutting, cutting your hair.
You havent started cutting it.
I--I have. I did it quickly,
your honour--sir!
Look here, old fellow,
I know when a chap's
cut my hair,
so will you please stop
Fooling around and get to it?
Yes, I will, sir.
I'm going to cut
your hair, sir.
Going to start cutting
your hair, sir.
Start cutting...Now.
[snip snip snip
snip snip snip]
Nice day, sir.
with a drop of rain.
You see the match
last night, sir?
Uh, good game, I thought.
[shaver sounds]
Hurst played well.
Beg your pardon?
He was the only one who did.
Can you put your head down
a little, sir?
I prefer to watch
Palace nowadays.
Oh, sorry.
Was that your ear?
No. Didnt feel a thing.
Hey, what's going on?
Look, I came here
for a haircut!
Yes, it's a nice spot.
It looks nice, sir.
It's the same
as when I came in.
I confess, I haven't
cut your hair.
I hate cutting hair.
I have this terrible un-un-un--
uncontrollable fear
whenever I see hair.
As I kid, I hated seeing
hair being cut.
My mother said I was a fool.
She said to cure it
I had to become a barber,
at the hairdressers'
training centre at Totnes.
Can you imagine what it's like
cutting the same head
for five years?
I didnt want to be
a barber, anyway.
I wanted to be
a lumberjack...
Leaping from tree to tree
as they float down the mighty
rivers of British Columbia.
The giant redwood,
the larch, the fir,
The smell of
fresh-cut timber.
# ahh #
With my best girlie
by my side.
# ahh #
we'd sing,
# ahh #
sing, sing.
# la la la #
# I'm a lumberjack,
and I'm O.K. #
# I sleep all night,
I work all day #
# he's a lumberjack,
and he's O.K. #
# he sleeps all night,
and he works all day #
# I cut down trees,
I eat my lunch #
# I go to
the lavatory #
# on Wednesdays
I go shoppin' #
# and have buttered
scones for tea #
# he cuts down trees,
he eats his lunch #
# he goes to the lavatory #
# on Wednesdays
he goes shoppin' #
# has buttered scones
for tea #
# he's a lumberjack,
and he's O.K. #
# he sleeps all night,
and he works all day #
# I cut down trees,
I skip and jump #
# I like to press
wild flowers #
# I put on women's clothing #
# and hang around in bars #
# he cuts down trees,
# he likes to press
wild flowers #
# he puts on women's clothing #
# he's a lumberjack,
and he's O.K. #
# he sleeps all night,
and he works all day #
# I cut down trees,
I wear high heels #
# suspenders and a bra #
# I wish I'd been a girlie #
# just like my dear mama #
# he cuts down trees,
# suspenders... #
# and a bra #
# I wish I'd been a girlie #
# just like my dear mama #
Oh, Bevis!
And I thought
You were so rugged!
Dear sir,
I wish to protest in the
strongest possible terms.
Yours sincerely, brigadier
Read that back, will you, Brown?
"Dear sir, I wish to complain
"about the song which you
Have just broadcast
"about the lumberjack
who wears women's clothes.
"Many of my friends
are lumberjacks,
"and only a few
are transvestites.
Yours faithfully, brigadier sir
Charles Arthur Strong. (mrs.)"
Coming to this cinema soon,
the tender, compassionate
story of one man's love
for another man in drag.
Jordan!
Thrill to the excitement
of a night emission
over Germany
when the pilot Jennifer
has to choose between
his secret love for Louis,
the hot-bloodedly
bisexual navigator,
And Andy, the rear gunner,
who, though quite
assertive with girls,
tends to take
the submissive role
in his relationships with men.
With ginger as the half-man,
half-woman parrot
whose unnatural instincts
brought forbidden love
to the aviary.
And Roger as pip,
The half-parrot
half-man, half-woman,
three-quarter-badger,
ex-bigamist, negro preacher,
for whom banjo playing
was very difficult,
although he took several courses
and went to banjo college,
uh, and everything.
Don't miss it!
Coming to your cinema soon,
only five minutes
from this restaurant.
Morning.
Morning.
What you got?
Well, there's egg and bacon,
egg, sausage, and bacon,
egg and spam,
egg, bacon, and spam,
egg, bacon,
sausage, and spam,
spam, bacon, sausage,
and spam,
spam, egg, spam, spam,
bacon, and spam,
spam, spam, spam,
egg, and spam,
spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,
baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam,
Or lobster thermidor
aux crevettes
with a mornay sauce
garnished with truffle pate,
brandy, and a fried egg
on top and spam.
Have you got anything
without spam in it?
Well, there's spam, egg,
sausage, and spam.
That's not got much spam.
I don't want any spam.
Why can't she have egg,
bacon, spam, and sausage?
That's got spam.
Not as much as spam, egg,
sausage, and spam.
Look, could I have egg,
bacon, spam, and sausage
without the spam?
Yecchh!
What do you mean, yecchh?
I don't like spam!
# spam, spam, spam, spam #
# spam, spam, spam, spam #
# lovely spam,
wonderful spam... #
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You can't have egg, bacon, spam,
Why not?
It wouldn't be egg, bacon,
spam, and sausage, would it?
I don't like spam!
Don't make a fuss, dear.
I'll have your spam.
I love it.
I'm having spam, spam,
spam, spam, spam, spam,
Baked beans, spam,
spam, and spam.
Baked beans are off.
Can I have spam instead?
You mean, spam, spam,
spam, spam, spam,
Spam, spam, spam, and spam?
Yes!
Yecchh!
# lovely spam,
wonderful spam... #
Shut up!
Shut up!
Fine.
O.K.
And now for something
completely different--
A man with a tape recorder
up his nose.
[the Marseillaise plays]
[tape stops]
[tape rewinds]
[the Marseillaise plays]
[tape stops]
[applause]
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have in this box
23 white mice...
Mice which have been
painstakingly trained
over the past few years
to squeak at a selected pitch.
Uh, this is E-sharp,
and, uh, this one is "G".
Uh, you get the general idea.
Now, these mice are so
arranged upon this rack
that when played
in the correct order,
they will squeak
The Bells Of St. Mary.
Ladies and gentlemen,
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"Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/parrot_sketch_not_included:_twenty_years_of_monty_python_15621>.
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