Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #5

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Well, I don't know

about them.

They're not allowed to

mix with the patients.

Do all the patients work?

No. The ones that are

really ill do sport.

Yes, one thing

patients here dread

are the runs.

Inspector.

I'm terribly sorry, but I was

sitting on a park bench,

took my coat off for a minute,

then found my wallet stolen

and 15 taken from it.

Well, did you, uh,

see anyone take it?

Anyone hanging around?

No. There was no one there.

Well, there's not very much

we can do about that, sir.

Oh.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Yeah. All right.

[whistling]

There. Finished.

What?

I've finished cutting, cutting,

cutting, cutting your hair.

You havent started cutting it.

I--I have. I did it quickly,

your honour--sir!

Look here, old fellow,

I know when a chap's

cut my hair,

so will you please stop

Fooling around and get to it?

Yes, I will, sir.

I'm going to cut

your hair, sir.

Going to start cutting

your hair, sir.

Start cutting...Now.

[snip snip snip

snip snip snip]

Nice day, sir.

Yes. The flowers could do

with a drop of rain.

You see the match

last night, sir?

Uh, good game, I thought.

[shaver sounds]

Hurst played well.

Beg your pardon?

I thought Hurst played well.

He was the only one who did.

Can you put your head down

a little, sir?

I prefer to watch

Palace nowadays.

Oh, sorry.

Was that your ear?

No. Didnt feel a thing.

Hey, what's going on?

Look, I came here

for a haircut!

Yes, it's a nice spot.

It looks nice, sir.

It's the same

as when I came in.

I confess, I haven't

cut your hair.

I hate cutting hair.

I have this terrible un-un-un--

uncontrollable fear

whenever I see hair.

As I kid, I hated seeing

hair being cut.

My mother said I was a fool.

She said to cure it

I had to become a barber,

so I spent five ghastly years

at the hairdressers'

training centre at Totnes.

Can you imagine what it's like

cutting the same head

for five years?

I didnt want to be

a barber, anyway.

I wanted to be

a lumberjack...

Leaping from tree to tree

as they float down the mighty

rivers of British Columbia.

The giant redwood,

the larch, the fir,

The mighty Scots pine.

The smell of

fresh-cut timber.

# ahh #

the crash of mighty trees.

With my best girlie

by my side.

# ahh #

we'd sing,

# ahh #

sing, sing.

# la la la #

# I'm a lumberjack,

and I'm O.K. #

# I sleep all night,

I work all day #

# he's a lumberjack,

and he's O.K. #

# he sleeps all night,

and he works all day #

# I cut down trees,

I eat my lunch #

# I go to

the lavatory #

# on Wednesdays

I go shoppin' #

# and have buttered

scones for tea #

# he cuts down trees,

he eats his lunch #

# he goes to the lavatory #

# on Wednesdays

he goes shoppin' #

# has buttered scones

for tea #

# he's a lumberjack,

and he's O.K. #

# he sleeps all night,

and he works all day #

# I cut down trees,

I skip and jump #

# I like to press

wild flowers #

# I put on women's clothing #

# and hang around in bars #

# he cuts down trees,

he skips and jumps #

# he likes to press

wild flowers #

# he puts on women's clothing #

# and hangs around in bars #

# he's a lumberjack,

and he's O.K. #

# he sleeps all night,

and he works all day #

# I cut down trees,

I wear high heels #

# suspenders and a bra #

# I wish I'd been a girlie #

# just like my dear mama #

# he cuts down trees,

he wears high heels #

# suspenders... #

# and a bra #

# I wish I'd been a girlie #

# just like my dear mama #

Oh, Bevis!

And I thought

You were so rugged!

Dear sir,

I wish to protest in the

strongest possible terms.

Yours sincerely, brigadier

sir Charles Arthur Strong.

Read that back, will you, Brown?

"Dear sir, I wish to complain

"about the song which you

Have just broadcast

"about the lumberjack

who wears women's clothes.

"Many of my friends

are lumberjacks,

"and only a few

are transvestites.

Yours faithfully, brigadier sir

Charles Arthur Strong. (mrs.)"

Coming to this cinema soon,

the tender, compassionate

story of one man's love

for another man in drag.

Jordan!

Thrill to the excitement

of a night emission

over Germany

when the pilot Jennifer

has to choose between

his secret love for Louis,

the hot-bloodedly

bisexual navigator,

And Andy, the rear gunner,

who, though quite

assertive with girls,

tends to take

the submissive role

in his relationships with men.

With ginger as the half-man,

half-woman parrot

whose unnatural instincts

brought forbidden love

to the aviary.

And Roger as pip,

The half-parrot

half-man, half-woman,

three-quarter-badger,

ex-bigamist, negro preacher,

for whom banjo playing

was very difficult,

and he never mastered it

although he took several courses

and went to banjo college,

uh, and everything.

Don't miss it!

Coming to your cinema soon,

only five minutes

from this restaurant.

Morning.

Morning.

What you got?

Well, there's egg and bacon,

egg, sausage, and bacon,

egg and spam,

egg, bacon, and spam,

egg, bacon,

sausage, and spam,

spam, bacon, sausage,

and spam,

spam, egg, spam, spam,

bacon, and spam,

spam, spam, spam,

egg, and spam,

spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam,

baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam,

Or lobster thermidor

aux crevettes

with a mornay sauce

garnished with truffle pate,

brandy, and a fried egg

on top and spam.

Have you got anything

without spam in it?

Well, there's spam, egg,

sausage, and spam.

That's not got much spam.

I don't want any spam.

Why can't she have egg,

bacon, spam, and sausage?

That's got spam.

Not as much as spam, egg,

sausage, and spam.

Look, could I have egg,

bacon, spam, and sausage

without the spam?

Yecchh!

What do you mean, yecchh?

I don't like spam!

# spam, spam, spam, spam #

# spam, spam, spam, spam #

# lovely spam,

wonderful spam... #

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

You can't have egg, bacon, spam,

and sausage without the spam.

Why not?

It wouldn't be egg, bacon,

spam, and sausage, would it?

I don't like spam!

Don't make a fuss, dear.

I'll have your spam.

I love it.

I'm having spam, spam,

spam, spam, spam, spam,

Baked beans, spam,

spam, and spam.

Baked beans are off.

Can I have spam instead?

You mean, spam, spam,

spam, spam, spam,

Spam, spam, spam, and spam?

Yes!

Yecchh!

# lovely spam,

wonderful spam... #

Shut up!

Shut up!

Fine.

O.K.

And now for something

completely different--

A man with a tape recorder

up his nose.

[the Marseillaise plays]

[tape stops]

[tape rewinds]

[the Marseillaise plays]

[tape stops]

[applause]

Thank you, thank you,

thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have in this box

23 white mice...

Mice which have been

painstakingly trained

over the past few years

to squeak at a selected pitch.

Uh, this is E-sharp,

and, uh, this one is "G".

Uh, you get the general idea.

Now, these mice are so

arranged upon this rack

that when played

in the correct order,

they will squeak

The Bells Of St. Mary.

Ladies and gentlemen,

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