Parrot Sketch Not Included: Twenty Years of Monty Python Page #6

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I give you on the mouse organ

The Bells Of St. Mary.

Thank you.

[eek eek]

[eek eek eek]

[eek eek eek]

Oh, my god!

Somebody stop him!

Oh, stop him!

Stop him!

[eek eek eek]

Stop him!

Stop him!

Yes. The mouse problem.

This week,

the world around us

Looks at the growing social

Phenomenon of mice and men.

What makes a man

want to be a mouse?

Well, it's not a question

of wanting to be a mouse.

It just sort

of happens to you.

Uh...All of a sudden

you realize

that's what you want to be.

And when did you

first notice these,

shall we say, tendencies?

Well, I was about 17,

and some mates and me

went to a party.

And, uh, we had

quite a lot to drink.

And then some

of the fellows there

started handing cheese around.

Well, just out of curiosity,

I tried a bit, and...

Well, that was that.

And what else

did these fellows do?

Well, uh...

Some of them started

dressing up as mice a bit.

Um, and then when they

got the costumes on,

they...

started...

squeaking.

And was that all?

That was all.

And what was your reaction?

Well, I was shocked,

but, uh...Gradually

I came to feel

that I was more at ease

with other mice.

A typical case, whom we

shall refer to as mr. A,

although his real name

is this...

[humming Greensleeves]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Grrr! Grrr!

Aah! Aah!

Grrr! Grrr!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, oh,

69's late again today.

Grrr! Grrr!

[crunch crunch]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah...

[toilet flushing]

These trees behind me now

were planted over 40 years ago

as part of a policy

by the then crown woods,

who became the forestry

commission in 1924.

The forestry commission systematically

replanted this entire area. Shh!

That's 40,000 acres

of virgin forest.

By 1980,

This will have risen to 200,000

Acres of soft woods.

In commercial terms,

a coniferous cornucopia,

an evergreen el dorado,

A tree-lined

treasure trove. No!

A fat, fir-coned future

for the financiers.

But what of the cost...

It's mine!

Go away!

In human terms?

Who are the casualties--

For this was

sir Walter Scott's country.

Many of his finest romances,

such as Guy Mannering

or Redgauntlet--

Give me that back!

No. Scott showed himself

to be not only a fine--

The spruces and firs

of this forest

will be used to create--uhh!

Also a writer of humour and--

Britain's timber resources are

being used up at the rate of--

One man who knew Scott

was Angus Tinker.

[plays Tchaikovsky's piano

concerto no. 1 in b-flat minor]

What do you want?

I was told outside--

Don't give me that, you snotty-faced

heap of parrot droppings!

What?

Shut your festering gob,

you tit!

Your type makes me puke,

You vacuous, toffee-nosed,

malodorous pervert!

I came in here

for an argument.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

This is abuse.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Well, that explains it.

No, you want

12a next door.

I see. Sorry.

Not at all.

That's all right.

Stupid git.

Come in.

Is this the right room

for an argument?

I've told you once.

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

When?

Just now.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Didn't.

I did.

Didn't.

I'm telling you I did.

You did not.

Is this a five-minute argument

Or the full half-hour?

Oh, just a five-minute one.

Fine.

Thank you.

Anyway, I did.

You most certainly did not.

Let's get one thing

quite clear.

I most definitely told you.

You did not.

Yes, I did.

You did not.

Yes, I did.

Didn't.

Yes, I did.

Look, this isn't an argument.

Yes, it is.

No. It's just contradiction.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

It is not.

It is. You just contradicted me.

No, I didn't.

Oh, you did.

No, no, no!

You did just now.

No, nonsense.

This is futile.

No, it isn't.

I'm here for an argument.

No, you're here

for an argument.

Argument is not contradiction.

Can be.

No, it can't.

An argument's a connected

series of statements

to establish

a definite proposition.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

It isn't just contradiction.

If I argue, I must take

a contrary position.

It isn't just saying,

"No, it isn't.".

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Argument's an intellectual process.

Contradiction's just

the automatic gainsaying

of anything the other person says.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

Not at all.

Look, I'll--

[bell rings]

Thank you.

Good morning.

What?

That's it.

Good morning.

But I was just

getting interested.

Sorry. The five minutes is up.

That was never five minutes.

I'm afraid it was.

No, it wasn't.

Sorry. I'm not allowed

to argue anymore.

What?

You'll have to pay for

another five minutes.

But that was never

five minutes just now.

Oh, come on.

This is ridiculous.

I'm very sorry,

but I told you,

I'm not allowed to argue

unless you pay.

Oh, all right.

There you are.

Thank you.

Well?

Well, what?

That was never five minutes.

I'm not allowed to argue

unless you've paid.

I just paid.

No, you didn't.

I did. I did.

No, you didn't.

I did.

You did not.

Let's not argue about that.

Sorry. You didn't pay.

Aha! If I didn't pay,

why are you arguing?

Got you!

No, you haven't.

Yes, I have.

If you're arguing,

I must have paid.

Not necessarily.

I could be arguing

in my spare time.

No.

No!

No, no, no, no!

We're not about to

allow this sort of smut

to be shown on screen.

Trouble at the mill.

Oh, no.

What sort of trouble?

One on't crossbeams

gone owt askew on treddle.

Pardon?

One on't crossbeams

gone owt askew on treddle.

I don't understand

what you're saying.

One of the crossbeams

has gone out of skew

on the treadle.

What on earth

does that mean?

I don't know.

Mr. Wentworth told me to say

there's trouble at the mill.

I didn't expect a kind

of Spanish Inquisition.

[jarring chord]

Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition.

Our chief weapon

is surprise,

surprise and fear,

fear and surprise.

Our two weapons

are fear and surprise.

And ruthless efficiency.

Our three weapons are fear and

surprise and ruthless efficiency

and an almost fanatical

devotion to the pope.

Ah...Four--no!

Amongst our weaponry are

such elements as fear--

I'll come in again.

I didn't expect a kind

of Spanish Inquisition.

[jarring chord]

Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition.

Amongst our weaponry

are such diverse elements

as fear, surprise,

ruthless efficiency,

an almost fanatical devotion

to the pope.

A nice red uniform--

oh, damn!

Oh.

Oh.

Heh heh heh heh.

Heh heh heh.

Ha!

Now, old woman,

You're accused of heresy

on three counts--

Heresy by thought, heresy by word,

heresy by deed,

and heresy by action-- four counts.

Do you confess?

I don't understand

what I'm accused of.

Ha! Ha ha ha!

Then we shall

make you understand.

Biggles, fetch...

Fetch the cushions.

[jarring chord]

Here they are, lord.

Now, old lady,

you have one last chance.

Confess the heinous sin

of heresy,

reject the works of ungodly--

two last chances--

And you shall be free--

three last chances.

You have three last chances,

the nature of which I have divulged

in my previous utterance.

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