Party Husband

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1

The bride is now cutting

herself a piece of cake.

Next year the groom will

cut himself a piece of neck.

Old Jay Hogarth is a good old soul.

Old Jay Hogarth is a good old soul.

Speech.

Speech.

Quiet please, quiet please.

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Someone called for a speech.

What's that got to do with you?

I'm the best man.

The best-man always wins.

That's why I'm a bachelor.

Forgive them. They know

not what they're up against.

Now that this couple have entered into

a state of coma - I mean matrimony.

I would like to have them tell us

what they intend to do about it.

Well, not that it's anybody's business.

Especially the worst

best-man I ever saw.

But Laura and I are going to be

the most modern couple imaginable.

We intend to retain our

separate individualities.

That's a good trick

even if you don't do it.

And you?

We intend to take marriage

apart and see what makes it tick.

For the benefit of the less intelligent

among you .. I will translate.

Nevertheless, I will translate.

This is a marriage of advanced ideas.

A bigger and better matrimony.

There will be individual latchkeys,

toothbrushes and telephones.

But, there will be community gin.

Now that you have heard

both sides of this argument.

Your applause will determine the winner.

Now suppose you sit down and

give those brains of yours a rest.

The best man will give the

floor to a better best man.

Laura darling, hadn't

you better be on your way?

Yes, mother.

A good idea.

I allow my wife.

All liberties. But I do not

wish her to associate ..

With hoodlums, scoffers and whatnots.

Mister, whatnots to you!

Oh .. Mrs Hogarth.

Yes, mister Hogarth?

I'm afraid our wedding was

a big success. Yes.

It interested me more than any

wedding I've been to in ages.

Do you love me?

So much that I'm scared.

Happy?

Sort of floating .. delirious.

I'm so happy.

We'll have the longest

honeymoon in captivity.

Break.

Isn't it wonderful when two

great intellects like these unite?

Oh, go to ..

Naughty, naughty.

Come on, girls.

Say Jay, where is that little red book

of yours with all the telephone numbers?

Now you know I never had any ..

Don't give me that.

I'll be big-hearted. I'll let you

use it whenever you want to.

And what's more, I'll add

a few numbers myself.

Where is mother?

She didn't seem exactly pleased

with the way you were being razzed.

That kind of a spat wasn't a bit funny.

It seems to me the honors

went to you and Jay.

Perhaps I haven't done some solid

thinking on this marriage subject.

Do you mind if I give you

one little piece of advice?

Go ahead if you like.

Just one little crack?

Shoot.

Well then ..

Whether you believe it or not.

Pretend to yourself that

marriages are made in heaven.

Hang on to your husband.

Even when you think

you are a fool to do it.

Is that how you think a wife should be?

That's how I think love should be.

Oh for heaven's sake, Kate.

I'll shut up now.

Well, what's up?

I think she's been going batty lately.

Come on, get out.

Mary.

Jay.

Yes?

Can you come in.

Right away.

Well mother, you can relax.

I'm off your hands.

Well, I hope so.

Especially after all that twaddle

about the modern ideas of marriage.

People may sneer at

marriage and its restrictions.

But nobody yet has ever found

a satisfactory substitute for it.

You talk as if Jay and I aren't serious.

How long have we planned

our marriage, darling?

Why, ever since we were kids.

I want you two to get all the

happiness you can out of life.

And that's not easy.

With all these crazy ideas

about "separate individualities".

Mother .. your worries

are over right now.

Get ready. Here they come.

Goodbye, children.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Laura.

Better go to Reno for your

honeymoon. It saves a trip.

Good luck!

There they go, Kate.

Come here .. I've got a message for you.

Whisper away.

Did you get my message?

I got it.

What's funny?

Your face.

Granted. But it never moved

you to raucous laughter before.

Oh no?

Well, take a look.

So I've married an

old lip-rouge spreader.

Maybe I should have

worn a baseball mask.

You must have a skin

lip-rouge loves to touch.

Better tall all your

women to be careful.

There. All traces of the crime removed.

Beg pardon.

Huh?

You-all want your berth made up?

Huh?

Oh .. alright.

He said Yes.

Oh, it's been heavenly here with you.

I never want to leave.

Why talk about leaving?

Well, we have to soon.

I have a wife to support.

But it's been such a short time.

It's been a whole month.

So the door of paradise opens.

And off we go.

It's your Mama phoning

from long distance.

Hello, mother.

Hello.

How are you and Jay getting on?

You haven't written me lately.

We're fine.

But we both have little colds .. uhuh.

I will.

And mother. Guess what?

I'm cooking my last dinner.

Now what?

Oh don't be alarmed.

It's only that I've got a job.

I mean, a position.

Really. Jay got it for me.

I'm a reader in a swell,

elegant publishing house.

I start Monday. Isn't it great?

Well if you really crave my

opinion, I think it's ridiculous.

Your job is to run Jay's home.

And keep him purring with contentment.

You ought to know that,

even if he doesn't.

Now don't be such a wet blanket.

Where are my grandchildren coming from?

A desk?

But darling, you don't understand.

I understand perfectly.

That you need a job just about

as much as I need roller-skates.

Guess who's dining with us tonight?

Kate Steinhart.

Yes. She's taken an apartment

in New York for the winter.

I ran across her shopping today.

Mother. Married life is glorious.

Yes, I will.

I'll write soon.

Goodbye, mother.

Mother called up to see

how I liked housekeeping.

I told her I was going to work.

But you don't need a job.

It gets lonesome without

anything to do all day.

Come on, help me set the table.

Give me.

So you are resolved to have

two careers in the family, eh?

No slaves to marriage around here.

What did you marry for?

You would be surprised.

Love.

I would stay home and work at that.

It's risky leaving love at

home to take care of itself.

You think so?

Well, let me tell you something.

Ours is husky.

Even so.

Uhoh.

Love can always use nourishment.

There is plenty of that.

Is there?

You at your office .. Jay at his?

You come home and Jay is not here.

He comes home, you're not here.

What do you do when you're jealous?

We're not that primitive.

That means that ..

Jay may run around with other women?

And you with other men?

Well, why not?

We won't exactly lose control, you know.

It's a good trick, if you can do it.

Oh rats.

You think marriage was made

perfect in the dark ages.

Well, Jay and I don't. That's all.

You try to make yourselves believe that

you are a pair of young sophisticates.

Some day you might find out.

Alright.

Here comes the old man now.

Tell him.

I'm through.

Hello, sweet.

How are you, darling?

Who do you think is here?

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