Peeples Page #7

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(all cheering)

Gloria:
Oh, my God! You

should not have seen that!

(Daphne screams)

We have been robbed!

What?

You know those vintage diamond

earrings you bought for me

after you did that thing

I asked you not to do,

and we said we

wouldn't talk about it?

Calm down.

I went to put the rest of my

jewelry away, and they weren't there.

Okay, mother,

maybe you misplaced them.

You know how you misplace

things. Yeah, Mrs. peeples.

Oh, no, no, no!

I haven't worn them in months.

They have been in

the very same place.

Of course.

Well, what's different?

Nothing's different.

Well, I look around, and the only

thing different I see is wade.

Dad.

Wade is what is different.

Oh, Virgil,

that is so not cool.

Well, I did see him

in your closet this morning.

What were you doing

in mom's closet?

That I can explain.

Virgil, I did not

take Daphne's earrings.

Of course not, honey.

Nobody's saying that.

I think Virgil is.

And I think he's overlooking

another potential suspect.

Like who?

I don't know.

Maybe somebody without a job

who's sporting

a $16,000 watch around here.

We wear Timex.

We are Timex people!

(Watches ticking)

Why are you looking at

me like that? Like what?

Like that!

I think we should

just all turn in

(tearfully) And get a fresh

start in the morning.

Mom.

(Sobs)

Grace:
Mom?

(Wails)

Grace:
Mom?

Honey, we'll figure this out.

(Grunts)

Mom?

He's tripping.

Virgil's no angel.

I could tell you some things.

Like what? Freaky stuff?

Freaky rich people stuff?

For a minute, I swear, it

seemed like grace believed Virgil

when he said I

took her mom's things.

Shhh.

You know,

Nana told me about Gloria.

Told you what?

Her and Meg are together.

Like, doing it.

She told you?

You knew?

What's going on?

Si in the house.

What's up? What's up?

What is that

little scrub doing?

Wade:
Simon sticky-fingers.

Oh!

He stole his momma's earring.

That's cold.

Wade:
Thinks he's got to be

a thug to get respect.

See that? That's rich

people problems right there.

I should stay out of it.

You should. You should stay

out of it. But you won't.

Simon:
Huh?

(In a rough voice)

What's up, fool?

Keep your head forward!

(In a deep voice) Yeah.

My father is...

Wade:
I don't give a damn

who your father is!

We're your father now.

Oh, sh*t. Wade:
You know

what I do give a damn about?

These rocks in your ear.

Oh!

Wade:
Yeah.

I like these rocks.

Oh, God.

You don't need God now. You're

gonna be on your knees soon enough.

Don't take them.

Heh. They're my mom's.

You stole earrings

from your momma?

I didn't steal them.

You think stealing is a joke? No.

You'll end up in lock-up. Lock-up is hell!

(Whispering) Hell.

I know because

my sister told me.

Which sister?

My sister grace.

She was in jail

for like, three days.

And then my

father got her out.

Wade:
What did this grace do?

Listen, man,

snitches get ditches. Okay?

I thought

snitches get stitches.

Nah, snitches get

ditches, because you die...

Both of you, listen!

All right?

This is what you're gonna do.

You gonna take

your little momma's

earrings back to

her jewelry box.

Okay.

Because we're watching you. Watching.

That was

always my plan.

Wade?

And Chris.

Wade:
Si,

what's wrong with you?

Why are you stealing

your momma's earrings?

Man, I took them to

impress this girl,

but she isn't

looking at me no way.

Si, you're a genius.

You're smart.

You build robots

and stuff, man.

Talk about what you know.

Girls love smart guys.

That's why I'm a doctor.

Wade:
Shut up.

That's not gonna work.

Explain how

I got your sister.

(Imitates explosion)

I wasn't scared, though.

I wasn't scared.

(Stammering) I just... I negotiate.

I just make sure I stay living.

I hate to say this about my

girl's dad, but he's an a**hole.

Yeah!

Just a straight-up a**hole.

And I haven't even mentioned

anything I've seen around here.

Not even to grace. You know? Out

of respect for his a**hole ass.

Not even after he

accused me of stealing.

Not even after

I saw his balls!

I know.

Wait, you saw his balls?

Every time I close my eyes.

Look, bro, you got to

get on point, man.

You can't waste time just

deflecting man-balls, dude.

You need to go to

the house tonight

and say, "look,

I'm marrying your daughter

"with or without your

approval. " You're right.

I know I'm right.

Damn right, I'm right.

He's at the sweat lodge.

What? The sweat what?

I know exactly what I'm gonna

do. You just saved my life.

Well, I am a doctor.

A doctor.

# Ladies love the kid

what are you doing here?

I'll tell you what

I'm doing here...

Your offering, brother?

It's no free ride, wade.

You can't take a seat unless you

make an offering to the spirit gods,

which watch over

and guard this sacred teepee.

I ain't trying to

do nothing free.

Your offering will be purified

and returned to you blessed.

You do still have my change

from the supermarket, don't you?

You know what I've got?

This is what I've got.

I came here to

propose to grace.

With that chip?

My grandfather saved for

months to get this ring,

and he was

married for 62 years.

All I see is a man who can't

afford to buy his own ring.

That's not true!

You're coming in

here acting all humble,

but I see what

you really want.

You want to be

king in my castle.

I don't play chess, so I

don't get your little analogy.

Get this. This ain't

checkers, southside Willie.

Who?

As the heat rises,

we must focus our energy.

You know, you're not

the first one, wade.

Grace has brought home dozens

of men, all seeking my approval.

Mmph. The erudite lawyer,

the nerdy scientist,

skip, Martin, the twins.

The twins?

But I see them for what

they really are, phases.

You, for example,

are her loser phase.

You don't define me, Virgil.

Well, that's more like it.

Now the lion is in the forest.

What?

Man 1:
Time to...

Man 2:
Time out.

You getting hot?

Shh. Walk through

the flame into your manhood.

We can settle this

right now if you want.

What do you want to do, huh,

judge? What would settle this?

Well, you heard the chief. Walk

through the flame into manhood.

What? Is that supposed to

scare me? Think this is hot?

This ain't nothing but July

in my bedroom growing up.

Rama putu riki.

More coals.

A lot more!

Kumu pa tiki.

Whoa. Hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry. Am I lost?

Have sex with me.

Virgil:
I am an iceberg,

crisp, frigid, frozen in

a Mountain of glassy ice.

I am a frog, swimming

in a cool, cool pond.

I am a Fluffy white snowflake

riding the icy north winds,

floating gently to the ground.

(Wade panting)

Uh...

Yeah? You like that?

Yes. Very much. Perhaps

the ear, if you could try.

I'm a 44-ounce big

gulp grape slurpee.

# Wade in the water

I'm an ice cream truck filled

with delicious, cool treats.

# Wade in the water,

children

on a hot summer day.

# Wade in the water

damn!

# Wade can't make

it without water #

I'm a cold pitcher of grape

Kool-Aid with a smiley face on it.

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