Petunia

Oh, you are so handsome.

Have you met my granddaughter, Bethany?

Hello, Charlie.

It's nice to meet you.

Will you excuse me?

I need a drink.

You two should make me

a million grandbabies.

Give back to this wonderful world.

Charlie, could you come

with me for a minute?

So...

how about a dance

with your new sister-in-law?

I can't dance.

I hate these things.

Charlie...

Have another drink.

Loosen up.

I'm loose enough.

There's no point in being

miserable all the time.

I'm not miserable.

I'm in control.

What?

I can't believe your brother

threw up already.

At his own wedding reception.

He acts as though he's

never had a drink before.

What?

Who's...

George.

You guys haven't met?

He's my cousin.

He's a little shy.

No. I'm terrible at meeting

people in these situations.

Come on. He's sweet.

What is with that?

It helps in controlling my sexual urges.

Oh, God.

Hold on.

Charlie, meet George.

George is my cousin.

He went to Yale.

He's a financial advisor.

But we don't hold that against him.

George, meet Charlie -

as of an hour ago,

my brother-in-law.

- He's a blogger.

- Writer.

Blogger.

It's nice to meet you, George.

The pleasure is all mine.

God, we sound so civilized.

You've got a little, chocolate on...

Really?

Oh, God.

It happens.

I was always worried that

I'd have a conversation

that went something like this.

It's happening.

OK, you guys.

Come on, let's dance.

It's my f***ing wedding night.

Let's go.

Now.

Feel better?

I GET SO, I GET SO

I GET SO:

SO PENT UP...

I GET SO, I GET SO

I GET SO:

SO PENT UP:

Charlie...

Why aren't you dancing?

Because I don't dance, Grace.

Because I have no rhythm.

I look epileptic when I do it.

What's epileptic?

Never mind.

My mom says you're a friend of Dorothy.

Who's Dorothy?

From The Wizard of Oz.

I'm more like the lion.

I like Dorothy.

Hey, have you seen Vivian?

She was on the dance floor when I left her.

That makes sense.

Charlie, you got a condom?

- Me?

- Yeah.

Protection...

Preferably, a hybrid magnum.

I don't have sex, Adrian.

Oh, that is sad.

It's all overrated.

Those STDs were making me anxious.

And being anxious was making me

even more anxious.

It was just easier to call it quits.

Well...

Michael. You?

I'm married now.

I don't use them.

Whatever.

Hey, bro, enjoy your honeymoon.

Happy marriage.

You're married.

Can you believe it?

Yeah...

I, um, puked... Twice.

It's nerves, I'm sure.

I'm just ready for this wedding to be over,

and the marriage to start.

The wedding's supposed to be the easy part.

Hey. Could you do me a favor?

I want you to take down the number

of where I'm staying, just

in case something happens.

Nothing's going to happen.

Just in case, OK?

I don't want to give it to Mom.

She'll just use it to harass me

and I'm not going to pay those

international phone charges.

And Adrian will just use it as a cum rag.

OK, here it is.

Enjoy yourself.

You will never get to relive this day again.

To my brother, Michael,

and his lovely new bride, Vivian.

Michael, I always thought

you would end up alone

eating Lean Cuisines.

And you might be because Vivian cooking

probably won't happen.

But you two were made for each other.

So, here's to you.

Charlie...

Tell your father we either dance, or we go.

I'm not gonna just sit here.

Dad, Mom says either you dance with her

or she's leaving.

Tell her I'd rather stab myself in the eye

with a salad fork.

He says you look really nice.

Tell him his ear wax is making me nauseous.

She says you look good too.

To suffocate me in our

sleep, not to hesitate.

Mom, I think Dad's gonna sit this one out.

OK, Mom, Dad, will you excuse me?

- You OK?

- I'm fine.

I just need a little air.

Sh*t.

- George?

- Oh! Hey, hi.

What are you doing here?

Did you follow me?

Are you that rapist that follows people

into their doorways and rapes them?

I live here.

- Seriously?

- Yes.

In this building?

Petunia in 2A.

Oh, you're right on top of me.

You haven't even bought me a drink yet.

Maybe you're the rapist.

Is it rape if two rapists rape each other?

I think I saw that on The View once.

I love The View.

Do you want me to open the door?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

I don't even think these are my keys.

I love you, so much.

Oh.

Are you still going to love me

if I lose all my hair?

Oh, what?

What if I had a glandular problem

and I gained 60 pounds?

No.

What if I had gigantism?

It depends on where.

The hands.

I just had like a giant hand.

Well, no.

How about if I ate my

twin before I was born...

...and I had like an extra

enzyme in my DNA...

...and you couldn't see it or

feel it or acknowledge it...

...and I just told you

about it right this moment?

Are you trying to make me vomit?

No.

Well, are you saying that I got to remain

exactly as I am for the duration

of this marriage or you'll stop loving me?

Yes.

Stay exactly as you are.

You know that I'm gonna love you

no matter what?

I know...

That's why we're married.

Why don't you grow that giant hand of yours,

and pour me a glass of champagne, huh?

You know, Michael...

You just married a vivacious

20... something.

We're going on our honeymoon.

You're talking about twins, and gigantism.

It's our wedding night!

It's not like we've been

holding out on each other.

Hardly.

Why can't we talk?

We can talk.

Just right now, you're giving me a migraine.

OK.

Just know, this is the voice

that you're going to be hearing

for the rest of your life.

Ah...

Oh...

I love you.

Ah...

Oh.

I wish you would quit breathing so loud.

- Hey, Michael

- No, don't talk.

Just take in the moment.

Absorb the beauty.

Come on.

I miss New York.

Already?

I cannot function outside the city, OK?

Besides, it smells like dead fish out there.

And I prefer my fish to be live.

And in tanks.

Vivian, you're gonna be fine.

No fish.

No sushi.

Just me...

Me and my body.

OK. Can you not stare

at me for a little while?

I'm trying to find myself.

You're right here.

No, the book on tape, or whatever.

You know what?

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna jazzercise.

Jazzercise?

Oh, my God.

It's a Molton Miller.

Oh, this is a classic.

It's an ass.

It's art.

No, this is going to be worth

a lot of money someday.

I read about him in an art blog.

It's still an ass.

You know who needs this ass?

Charlie.

Yeah, Charlie needs this ass.

He is so gonna love this ass.

Yeah.

Wow...

Talk about overdressed, eh?

Walking with a swagger.

He's got that whole vibe going on.

Right, he waddles.

Oh, Michael.

Where did you bring me?

They said this was the perfect place

for honeymooners.

Honeymooners? From where?

Iceland?

This is actually what

happy couples look like, Viv.

They're just trying to fill

that God-shaped

hole in the sky with, you know, mimosas

and fake foliage.

How about them?

They look sweet.

They look like they are having a blast.

Yeah, well, speaking of a blast,

I'm just going to have to get blasted.

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