Pieces of April Page #3

There's our Christmas card.|Come on, Mom.

- Without April?|- Since when was she in the picture?

Wait. Wait!

I'm coming.

You can keep the mitts.

- Where's the strainer?|- Good luck.

Thanks.

- Hi, it's just me.|- Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure.|- Alone.

Yeah. Okay.

There's something|I need you to know.

I never eat anything|that has a face.

Don't worry, you won't be eating it.|I'll just be using your oven.

But for me, that was once|a living, breathing soul.

- I'm a vegetarian. I understand.|- But I'm a vegan.

Even the smell of flesh cooking...

I don't think I can help you.

Latrell, man, this is Bobby.|I'm at the spot.

Can anybody hear me?

Does anybody have|a stove I can borrow?

- Please?|- Try Wayne in 5D.

He's got a new stove.

Talk louder, lady.

Try Wayne in 5D.|He's got a new stove!

Thank you.

Hey, babe.

I'm just callin'|to see how everything is goin'.

If you don't need me,|you don't have to pick up.

I'm just callirh' to make sure|you're doirh' firhe

I love you

Okay

I need this.

- If I could borrow your...|- They don't speak English.

I know that.

- If I could borrow...|- You're wasting your time.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Are you Wayne?

Wayne with the new stove.

Technically, it's a self-cleaning|convection oven.

It has an automatic|meat thermometer,

audible preheat signal,|dual bake element,

hot surface lights, roasting rack,

and my favorite...

the frameless glass oven door

with deluxe big-view window.

Wow. It's beautiful.

Yes, it is.

- I don't know how to ask this...|- Be my guest.

- Really?|- We'd be delighted.

Bernadette.

It's all right. She doesn't bite.

Latrell, where you at, man?

- Where am I?|- Yeah, where you at?

So the big marh warhts to krhow|where Latrell is

Hell, yeah, I wanna know|where you at.

Right here.

Where you been, man?|You're gonna make me late.

- Where you been?|- I been standin' right here.

Do we know a Tyrone?

- Tyrell?|- Tyrone.

Anyway, how far we got to go?

Here she is.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

- You said you worked in retail.|- I didn't lie.

Help me out.

Quality men's clothes?

You told me you can get me|a deal on quality men's clothes.

You'll get some quality|men's clothes. Trust me.

Trust you.|Come on, man.

- I had you all wrong, man.|- You had me wrong.

'Cause I thought you was|the type of brother

that ain't really need no fancy labels|or no Armani Prada bullshit.

Get outta here, man.

Ninety percent|of the people in the world

would love to have these clothes.

What I'm tryin' to tell you is,|as long as it's useful,

as long as we can wear it,

as long as people|that we love can wear it,

it's gonna be on that rack.

So, best get to lookin'.

Were I you, I'd start down there.

Were I you, if I don't find nothin',|you better not be here.

Pull over, Jim.|Pull over now, now!

- Are you woozy?|- Do you feel sick?

- Do you feel tired?|- Do you need some fresh air?

- Mom, you should probably...|- I'm fine.

I'm fine. I just...

It's just... I keep waiting|for a good time to tell you,

but there's really no good time.

I need everyone to listen.

I don't know how to say this.

We need to discuss how|each of you... Oh, God...

It's okay, sweetie.

How each of you,|in your own way,

is going to handle...

discarding food without|letting our hostess know.

Oh, please.|Joy, really.

That's not very funny.

Here's what I suggest...

Take a bite of whatever it is...|let's say the green bean casserole.

Pretend to chew, cough,|bring napkin to mouth,

spit food into napkin,|excuse yourself.

Drop food in toilet.

Flush.

Honey, roll it tighter next time.

Sorry, Mom.

Won't you tell me why?

Tell me why.

The thing about Smack Daddy is...

- Who?|- Smack Daddy.

Have I ever heard of|Smack Daddy?

He's a black singer, Dad.|You wouldn't know him.

Oh, no, I never heard of...|James Brown or Barry White,

or Puffy the Dog.

- May I finish?|- Please.

The thing about Smack Daddy is,|you know with him,

it's no one-night stand,|that it's forever.

Millions want him,

but it's as if|he's only singin' to me... baby.

Age doesn't matter.

He doesn't care that I'm old|and sick and falling apart.

He sees my soul. He's not fickle.

- He's there for me.|- Like Dad?

Well, your father can't sing.

But Smack Daddy...|man alive, is he sexy, which...

it does lead|to this whole sexual thing.

I mean, it...

does bring up|some sort of nice memories.

- You mean with Dad, right?|- Him, too.

Hello?

Hello?

- What?|- Hello. It's you.

I was knocking on a lot of doors|looking for you.

Yours was ajar.

Come in.|How's it goin'?

No foreseeable problems.

I was about to check|your turkey myself.

Then I thought,|since it's yours,

maybe you'd prefer|to do the checking.

I certainly could do it for you,|and will, if you'd like.

Didn't want to presume...

That's fine, whatever.

It's a common misconception

that you can just|stick a turkey in the oven.

Turkey needs to be tended to,|he needs to be cared for lovingly.

One must pay|close attention to poultry.

Sure.

So much can go wrong.

A turkey can burn in places,|be overcooked, undercooked...

which is a health hazard...|and what about basting?

Look, Wayne,|I'll be up in a second, okay?

The second's up.

Just give me a minute.

Tick-tock.

Tick-tock.

- Wait. Here I come.|- I don't think so.

Bernadette has a small bladder,|and if I don't get her outside...

- Can't I just pop my head in?|- I'm afraid not.

- I'll be real quick.|- No.

Do you know that good feeling|that often comes from being helpful?

- Yes.|- I'm not having that feeling here.

Look, I'm sorry. I didn't realize...

So I ask myself,

"Wayne, it's very clear|what you're doing for her,

but what are you|getting out of this?"

I think you need to take|some time and think about that,

so that maybe later,|you help me understand

what I'm getting from this exchange...|if we can even call it an exchange.

Come along, Bernadette.

All crap, Latrell!

Keep lookin'!

These are pimp clothes, man!

- Money green.|- No!

- Lapel surprise.|- No!

- Velvet.|- Hell, no! No!

How am I supposed to wear this?

Big man... look, I was savin'|this little number for myself,

but I think|it's more your size, try that.

What do you have there?

These are some photos|I've taken of Mom, before and now.

- How nice.|- I got a camera for my birthday.

Timmy is very talented.

- All of our children are talented.|- Yes, Beth's talented, too.

Oh, how nice.

Maybe this isn't the best time.

- This was before.|- So I could remember them always.

- Okay, that's enough.|- I think so.

There's one more|I want to show you.

Where's that one?

This is my favorite.

Look how the light and...

...how the arm is.

I think I prefer Beth's singing.

Wayne?

Hey, you ever hear the phrase...

"Beware the occasion|that warrants a new suit"?

- Nope.|- I'm tellin' you, beware.

You never been in love.

I never been in love, and I don't want|to be in love, thank you.

It does things to you.

Like what?

You do things you thought|you never could ever do.

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