Plan 9

You are interested

in the unusual.

The mysterious.

The unexplainable.

That is why you are here.

And now,

for the first time,

we're going to bring

you the full story

of what will happen

on that fateful day.

The incidents.

The places.

We cannot keep

this a secret any longer.

My friend,

can your heart stand

the shocking facts

about grave...

cut.

-Stop? Really?

-F***. F***.

I gave you five perfect takes,

what do you want from me?

Let's start

with talent, Criswell.

Stop calling me that,

that's not my name.

No, on this set,

it is your name.

All right?

We talked about this.

Go check your contract.

Yes, my contract.

Listen to me for a minute,

-it could be fun...

-No.

Criswell, this has been

done hundreds of times.

All right, you gotta

give them something more.

You gotta give them something

they normally wouldn't

see in a remake.

Newsflash, bubby.

Remakes are overplayed.

They're overdone.

99.9% of them

suck donkey balls.

I don't know why

anyone in their right mind

would remake

this movie anyway.

-It's...

-One hour till deadline.

Please. Criswell...

For the love of everything

that is good and holy,

just please...

Care.

Look, this could

be your last chance

in getting back on top.

Let me tell you something,

you spineless dog dick.

I... have fallen.

My current

surroundings

and present company prove this.

Get the f*** away from me.

You've been in the business

all for about two days.

So it's probably not clear,

but have no fear.

I, your Criswell,

shall clarify.

It's this face

that you're banking

your career on.

Stop pissing it off.

Yes, we have the potential

to become a Phoenix

from the ashes of this Turkey,

but not if you're spinning me

on a thousand takes.

Why don't we get something...

Something in the can.

We'll look at it,

in the dailies,

and if we'll fix it,

we'll fix it.

Otherwise, I'll walk,

you can find yourself

another Criswell

to carry your sh*t.

Now get behind that camera

and call f***ing "action."

Can I get you anything else,

Mr. Criswell?

A gun.

20 years of my life back.

Shot of rum will suffice.

Are you ready,

Mr. Criswell?

I was born ready,

let's shoot this f***er.

Lights.

Camera.

Action.

A greetings my friends.

We're all interested

in the future.

Because that is where

you and I

are going to spend

the rest of our lives.

Lucy,

do you really have

to go to work now?

Yeah, grandpa.

I'm not ready

to feel it all yet.

Best to keep busy.

She was

so proud of you.

I can't do this now.

I need to forget

until I'm ready to feel.

Lucy, come home.

The lab needs me.

I'll be home in the morning.

Looks like we're

just gonna beat nightfall.

Better radio it in.

Yeah, Roger that.

Coast to Nilbog,

come in.

That you, Danny?

Yeah, Mac.

It's us.

Hot damn.

Welcome home, boys.

How long you been out there?

Months, man.

Ready to bring her in.

Here that, Danny boy.

There ain't

been a plane in all...

for f***'s sake.

My god.

Jeff, the time is now.

The end of my life!

God.

Hey, Edith. You okay?

I...

That'll change

your whole day.

Jeff, she's...

Wettish.

Mac, this is

Jeff Trent.

There's a large meteor

headed your way right now.

What?

A meteor. You have to

warn the people.

Right on the show, Jeff?

Look, I saw it with my own eyes.

Kelton.

I want you and Larry

to go out to the airport

see if there's...

seems to be some kinda sighting

of a meteor landing

somewhere in town.

Badass.

You mean, you don't know

where it landed?

No, it's

just a sighting.

Nonetheless,

Kelton, see if there's

something to it.

Hey, chief.

What's that?

Nobody likes you, Larry.

This is boss man Mike,

on the mic.

Welcome back

to "The Backflash."

The looking back,

looking forward show.

Solid oldies,

covered by solid bands.

We're gonna be broadcasted

all night long

this Halloween night.

Let me ask you ghouls and

goblins out there in spookville,

how you doing

this Halloween night?

You having a good time?

Boss man Mike is.

I'm gonna play you one of

my favorite ditties right now

so that you can

go out and collect

your treat in beats.

Lucy? What are you doing here?

You've had a loss

in your family,

you deserve to take

some time off.

No, I'd rather just work

through it, you know?

Plus, I've always loved

the graveyard shift.

Are you sure?

Yes. I'll be fine.

All right.

Well, if you change

your mind.

You know, you just power

things down and lock up.

Thank you.

And...

The biolab is overflowing

with cadavers,

so we're keeping this one

for Saturday's experiment.

Not a problem.

If he wakes up,

he can help.

Enjoy your evening.

See you in morn.

How the hell are you, boy?

-Mac!

-Man.

Mac.

With the stinkies.

You know.

-You sure you didn't see anything?

-No, man.

I throw on the radio,

nobody hit either.

I called for the police,

just like you said.

They should be here any sec.

We definitely

saw it.

Made Edith piss herself.

Well...

Aww.

Looks like

I better go help her.

It's okay, boys,

I like a wet one.

This is gonna be

the greatest day ever.

Jeff, you're missing it.

The show.

Mac...

Here comes 5-0.

Lovely.

You can report it.

And then the sweet

embrace of alcohol.

I was gonna

ask Edith to join,

but I don't

really want a wet one.

Jeff. Danny.

Nilbog's finest.

Larry, how's life

behind a shield?

So you saw a meteor?

Yeah. Right before we landed.

You see where it hit?

No.

Well, I guess if there's

no point in impact...

There's no sense in taking

the man power out

and going out searching for it.

If it did any damage,

somebody will let us know.

What did it look like?

Like a meteor.

So no description then?

Listen, why don't you

go back to the station

and send somebody out

who's gonna take this seriously?

Jeff, I know how to do my job.

I seriously doubt that.

All right, okay.

We have your statements.

We'll report to the chief.

It will be in his hands now.

You guys can call in

in the morning

for an update,

if you'd like.

Yeah.

That'll be fun.

Okay, great.

So we'll be on our way.

Right, officer Kelton?

All right.

Well, then...

Man, why do you gotta

hassle a guy like that?

Because they make fun of us,

Larry.

They're f***ing city d*cks.

There's no meteor out there.

They just want us out in the

sh*t and the mud all night,

while they're sitting

in some bar, laughing.

Well.

So...

Coming drinking

with us tonight?

No. I gotta

get back to Paula.

What? Why? Haven't you seen

enough of that woman yet?

You've been married

for like three months.

Yeah, and I've been

in the air for the last two.

I'll see you

later, Dan.

All right.

-Ready?

-Well, Mac.

Looks like it's

just you and me.

Let's find out where we're

gonna go throw up tonight.

Arr...

Boo.

How you

holding up, luce?

I'm good.

You got the figures?

I'm sending them right now.

Listen,

I'm sorry about

your grandmother.

Thank you, Alice.

Are these numbers right?

That they are.

Apparently splitting

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