Plunkett & Macleane

Captain James Macleane...

...for drunkenness, unruly behaviour...

...causing an affray

and disturbing the King's peace...

...I hereby sentence you to be placed

in the Knightsbridge debtors'jail...

...and to be held there until you are sober.

Take him away.

# You're my whore

# You're the one

# Even old and poor

# My twisted heart adores

# Like a dog I will paw...

Go!

Oh, Jesus. Rob!

- It's all right, son.

- There was a ruby.

I swallowed it to keep it... for myself.

I'm sorry.

- Come on, son.

- Go! There was a beggar in there.

- He might've seen your face. Go!

- Come on, Rob. Come on, my son!

- Go! Go! Go, I'm dead.

- Here. Take a bastard with you.

Name?

Skull Dean.

I hanged Skull Dean a month ago.

Argh!

- Who's your partner?

- Be sure he'll kill you.

- Argh!

- Who's your partner?

Argh!

Dog!

All right. All right.

Psst!

- Don't shoot me. Please! Don't shoot me.

- Now shut up!

- I've got money. I can get you money.

- Shut up and dig, you bastard beggar.

I'm neither of those things, actually.

I'm the son of a clergyman.

Get on with it.

Faster.

Oh.

Jesus Christ.

After you'd gone...

...soldiers came...

...and a man with a dog.

- Mr Chance.

- You know him?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna f***in' kill him.

I swear.

Here.

- Do it.

- I'm not very good at this sort of...

All right.

OK.

Do it!

No, you're too low. Go higher up.

It's in his guts.

Clean it.

Oh, yeah.

Oi!

Not so fast, vicar's boy.

Not my face! Not my face!

- Sh*t.

- Wait. Wait! Wait! Wait!

F***! Piss off.

- No, listen. Wait.

- Bugger off, vicar's boy.

Wait! Wait!

- We've got to surrender. They'll shoot us.

- Surrender's for wankers.

- We surrender!

- Hold your fire!

- Body snatchers, sir.

- Not now!

- Jamie?

- Lord Pelham.

- Are you freed?

- In a manner of speaking.

My debts are to be paid in full.

Sorry, Pelham.

Mr Harrison, give Captain Macleane

my berth in the royal suite.

I'm sure he'll prove a lucrative guest.

- It could be arranged.

- Thank you, my lord.

Hope it's quick.

When one goes, Jamie,

one must go with style.

Macleane.

You can tell a gentleman.

And you can tell a bag of scum.

After you.

Captain.

# Climbing up the heavenly stairs

# You know where you're going

when you know where

# You're going to hell

# Yes, you're going to hell

# You're going down

a hundred and eighty degrees

# You can see when you can see

# You're going to hell

# Yes, you're going to hell

# You were weak,

you were easy to squeeze

# They did with you as they pleased

# You're going to hell

# Yes, you're going to hell

# They're gonna tear you limb from limb

# Because of your so-called sin

# You're going to hell

# Yes, you're going to hell!

Captain Macleane!

This man says he's got

urgent business with you.

Much obliged to you, Mr Harrison.

Saved his life once.

He's followed me like a dog ever since.

It's rather sad, actually.

What do you want? You've just

seriously compromised my social...

- Don't be a prick all your life.

- Gentlemen, please!

- If you must be uncouth, do it elsewhere.

- My fault entirely, gentlemen.

- Shouldn't have mentioned the French.

- No, perhaps you shouldn't.

All right, chinless.

You remember that ruby?

What, the one everyone eats?

We can buy our way out of this place.

Well, where is it?

That's marvellous.

My freedom's at the mercy of your bowel...

- Our freedom.

- Slip of the tongue.

Yeah.

I provide the ruby,

you do the talking, right?

We have a gentleman's agreement.

That's nice.

Now, if you'll excuse me, the

jailer's daughter requires my attention.

And do help yourself.

I recommend the prunes.

Know what I mean?

Who ate all the pies?

Oh, my angel. My siren's song!

You've ambushed me

in the forests of your hair.

You've drowned me

in the pools of your eyes.

You've shackled me

to the poetry of your lips.

Oh, I do like to hear a fine gentleman talk.

Lady Tipton went to Hampstead...

...with the Duke of Northumberland...

...won fifteen hundred...

...and left with the Duke of Norfolk.

- Oh, really?

- I've heard it a hundred times before!

Bastard.

I'll wager ten guineas that Macleane

whips his cream before the strumpet.

Twenty says the whore squeals first.

Thirty guineas says they arrive together.

Care to express an opinion?

Yes. You've more money than brains.

Come on. Eyes shut,

head down, think of England.

Come on, the jessie.

Ride him hard. Ride him low.

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Oh.

- F***!

Thirty guineas each, gentlemen.

F***!

Come on.

Push, push, push.

Go on. Go on, go on, go on.

Yes.

Congratulations. It's a girl.

Yeah. Ruby.

This goes a long way towards

establishing your innocence, Macleane.

Mr Harrison, if wisdom grew on trees,

you would be a bush.

- You mock me, sir?

- Mock you, sir?

Mock me not, sir. No man mocks me, sir.

The wise man mocks the man.

The mocked man mocks the mocker.

Right.

Good.

Leave this with me.

Well...

...a gentleman always keeps his word.

Yeah, but you ain't

no gentleman, are you?

Yeah.

While you were f***ing, I was listening.

Yes, well, there you are, you see.

No, no.

I mean I was listening to your friends.

You see, a wise man

might get rich by listening...

...in the right places.

I'm sure he might.

See, what I'm saying is that

we could prosper together.

You and me. Eh?

Look, I'm not altogether sure

what you're suggesting, but, you see...

...I'm a gentleman

and, well, no offence intended...

...but would you mind awfully f***ing off?

Whoops. Sorry. What to do

with these f***ing beggars.

Bastards!

Ooh, hello.

- No, I didn't think so.

- Apparently some sort of child prodigy.

- What, on the piano?

- Yes.

Course, the problem is...

You know the rich...

...but you ain't one.

They're laughing at ya.

- Poppycock.

- I could set you up.

Young man.

More money than sense.

They'd welcome you with open arms.

Then you'd discover

who was worth stealing from.

When. Where.

Right?

I'm not sure.

I'm sick of taking scraps.

I'm talking...

...big.

- You forget something. I have morals.

- Oh, do ya?

Most definitely. Yes, I do.

How big?

Big.

America. One or two big jobs, then I'm off.

- Hm. Hardly a place for a gentleman.

- Exactly.

I've got the brains, skill...

And you can pass yourself off

as a gentleman.

You in or out?

To pass as a gentleman I would need

a good address, exquisite clothes...

...servants, a huge pile of loot.

Let's shop.

- # You are my whore

- Here we are, sir.

# You are the one I adore

# You're the one

# My heart beats for

# You are my whore

# Even now, old and poor

# You're the one

that my twisted heart beats for

# You are my whore

# Like the dog, I will gnaw

# Like the dog, a dog

# I will paw

# You are my whore

# On my knees on the floor

What?

# You're the one, the one

# I adore

# You're the one

that my twisted heart beats for

What?

The walk?

Everyone's doing it this summer.

Come on, then.

Don't let playing the gentleman

go to your head.

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