Pojktanten Page #2

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are twice as many as one.

It's like in the book

when Sebastian thinks

that the world becomes magical.

That's how I see life.

Especially when I'm alone.

That the boundaries between

the inner and outer world fade.

You're simply blown away by

the incredible beauty of the world.

It's not always pleasant, or cozy.

But real beauty

can give you an experience of...

reality being broken into pieces.

You get a glimpse

of something that's bigger than you.

It's something that...changes

whoever experiences it.

In the book it is described

as meeting another body.

I really hated guys.

I thought it was disgusting.

Sometimes I slept with some guy.

But the only thing

I wanted from them was sex.

They became kind of...faceless.

Out of those encounters...came words.

Words that turned into texts.

It was as if this danger,

this uncertainty...

It was somehow like

a path to the real me.

The violence became a path into me.

I really wanted to die.

But then I decided to write this.

It seemed like a better idea.

So I felt that this book

was going to be

a memorial stone,

a funeral for who I was.

- The Boy Hag-Lady, or...?

- Yes.

I didn't want

the old Boy Hag-Lady to just disappear.

It seemed so strange that I wouldn't

be able to see him in the mirror.

Has the Boy Hag-Lady

disappeared altogether?

Do you feel that you've

left her, or it, or him, behind?

Is that what you want?

I'm not dead yet.

Definitely!

I'm not dead yet,

and I'm glad as hell about that.

And I'm glad that I'm glad

that I'm not dead yet.

? Funny how a breaking heart ?

? can make me start to say: ?

? What good is my life? ?

? Funny how I often think - to think I'll ?

? never find another dream in my life. ?

? Till I look around and see. ?

? This great big world ?

? is part of me and my life. ?

? This is my life! Today, tomorrow ?

? love will come and find me. ?

? But that's the way I was born to be. ?

? This is me, this is me. ?

? This is my life! ?

? And I don't give a damn ?

? for lost emotions. ?

? I've got such ?

? a lot of love to give. ?

? Let me live! ?

? Let me live! ?

? It's my life! ?

? And I don't give a damn ?

? for lost emotions. ?

? This is my life! ?

I'm tired

of sitting in this damn bathtub.

I...

The Boy Hag-Lady was just a way

to put a name on the horrible

loneliness and worthlessness

of just being a failure.

A failure as a boy,

and a failure as a girl.

A failure as a human being.

It gave me the strength to choose...

...to choose who I was.

But I don't think

you really can do that.

It's...

I feel that you sometimes hope

that I'll be more...

someone with sharp nails

that you can drive into people.

Yes. I'm not going to deny

that I probably

was desperate to find a sister.

And that made me sad.

I can be your...

your partner in crime,

but not your sister.

I love you

for all that you are.

I feel good about that.

That sometimes you're the little boy,

the super femme...

and the transvestite,

and the a**hole.

That's why I like you.

Not because you're a Hag-Lady.

I just woke up

from a feverish dream.

With my make-up smeared

on my face and a headache.

I carefully wash

my silicone bra pads. My breasts.

They bob up and down

in the lukewarm water.

For a moment I'm not sure

if they're really a part of me.

I wrap them in a towel.

When I put them back in my bra,

I feel I'm home.

I wonder how people see me.

I want to make it clear

that I'm neither male nor female.

I want to make it clear that I don't

know who I am, and that's fine.

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